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D R A M A++Q U E E N

What's the sleaziest thing you've ever done? Come clean in Drama Queen for a Day
(04/14/98)

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T A B L E++T A L K

TV and kids: How much is too much? Share your thoughts in the Mothers area of Table Talk

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R E C E N T L Y

Can you hold? I've got sobbing on Line 2
By Susan McCarthy
Working at home means trying to sound professional on the phone while your kids yell, "You big sucky poophead!" in the background
(04/14/98)

Boys without men
By Celeste Fremon
When a middle-class mom needs fatherly advice for her son, she turns to a gang member named Crazy Ace
(04/13/98)

Peep show
By Kate Moses
A passion for Peeps led to my loss of innocence
(04/10/98)

Not waiting to inhale
By Dawn MacKeen
Joycelyn Elders on why teens are going up in smoke
(04/09/98)

The water lilies look splotchy up close
By Polly Shulman
The artist is the hero in these sensuous children's books
(04/07/98)

ARCHIVES

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Mamafesto
By Camille Peri
Why it's time
for Mothers Who Think

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UNSPEAKABLE LOSSES | PAGE 2 OF 2

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So what does the range of reactions depend on?

Who the person is. What life circumstances they are in at the time. The unconscious fantasies that they've had about the child they lost. And our relationship with our own parents. A lot of our feelings about becoming parents depends on that.

Do you find there is a difference in the severity of grief between an early miscarriage and a later one? Or between a miscarriage and a stillbirth?

The traumatic power of a particular loss, whether it's early or later, depends on what kind of hopes and dreams were invested in the child, and how long the child was wanted.

In my practice and in my own experience, I find that people assume that the shorter the pregnancy, the less psychologically traumatic they were. And I haven't found that to be the case.

In the case of stillbirth, you encourage parents to see and touch the baby. Why?

There has been a trend in the last 15 years to do that. There's an organization in England call SAND -- Support After Neonatal Death. One of the things they recommend is that parents see, touch and take pictures of the baby in order to facilitate the grieving process. Most people that I've spoken to were afraid to see their baby, but afterward were really glad they had. It helped them move from a half-dazed state of belief that their child was still alive to realizing it was not. And it often is a way of honoring a lost child and saying goodbye with dignity and love. It prevents people from later feeling they let the child go without really saying goodbye.

You mention that rituals can help the grieving process. Can you give an example?

It can be something as simple as lighting a candle with your partner on an anniversary of a due date or loss. Or asking your rabbi or priest to acknowledge them during a service. It's a way of expressing caring. And that's what gets put aside when you can't talk about a loss. The person is filled with longing with no place to express it. Ceremonies can give you a sense that you are carrying out an important tribute. So there's a sense of completion, of fulfillment.

That must be especially helpful for people who have miscarried and feel they failed to protect their unborn child.

Absolutely. When traumatic things happen, we assign an unconscious meaning to them. One of my patients who had a miscarriage felt terribly inadequate. The primary parental responsibility is to take care of your child, and she felt she had failed.

Why did you include a whole chapter devoted to the impact of pregnancy loss on men?

I've been in contact with a lot of men who have been profoundly affected by pregnancy loss. They haven't been given their fair share of time to be heard on this topic and that is unfortunate. I've had men in my practice talk about abortions that their partners have had, and that they've been haunted by for years.

Is a man's grief different from a woman's?

There are certain cultural expectations that make it more difficult for men. They are not expected to openly cry or show strong emotions except anger. They get put into this role of needing to be the caretaker for women. Men are often left out of the grieving process.

What can friends and family do to help a person mourn a loss?

Stay available and listen. It's not easy, but you don't have to do very much but be there. You don't have to fix it. Just sitting with someone while they're crying is more healing than anything you could possibly say or do. That's enough.
SALON | April 15, 1998

Dayna Macy is a regular contributor to Salon. Her previous articles include Creating a life.