T A B L E++T A L K

What do you do when the parents of your child's significant other are driving you nutso? Vent and swap advice in the Mothers area of Table Talk

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R E C E N T L Y

The dictator in the house
By Ros Davidson
The dark side of polygamy
(07/29/98)

Sins of the fathers
By Ros Davidson
A polygamist's tale
(07/28/98)

The Merry Recluse
By Caroline Knapp
A single woman chooses a life of solitude in the Land of We
(07/27/98)

Mulatto millennium
By Danzy Senna
When being "mixed" is cool
(07/24/98)

Second Thoughts
By Sallie Tisdale
Forget quality -- it's quantity time that matters
(07/23/98)

BROWSE THE MOTHERS WHO THINK FEATURE ARCHIVES

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Mamafesto
By Camille Peri
Why it's time
for Mothers Who Think

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reality bites

Miss Anne, of course, is code in my community, and has been for years, for the imperious kind of white woman who reverts, in a moment's notice, to the position of privilege that being white in America affords her. She may be 'buked and scorned as a woman, but when she has to, she pulls rank on her sisters -- sometimes unconsciously, sometimes not -- based on her historic position as American icon. And when she does, the ghost of our antebellum history wafts to the fore. Sisterhood may indeed be powerful, but it takes an exceptional white woman to recognize -- and effectively renounce -- the privilege inherent in being one.

Many black women find feminists' disavowal of personal responsibility offensive, counter to the motherwit (common sense) that has helped black Americans survive generations of slavery and second-class citizenship. So when a young white investment banker was beaten nearly to death during a late-night jog in Central Park several years ago, the black women I knew were horrified, yes. But they were also disgusted that anyone smart enough to get degrees from two Ivy League schools did not have the street smarts to stay out of Central Park after dark. ("What did she expect was going to happen to her at 10 o'clock at night, alone?" one asked. "I know cops who don't want to go in there at night!")

Our acknowledgment of simple reality -- it's dark and dangerous out there and if you elect to go out there you may well not come back in the same shape as when you left -- outraged many white feminists. "You're blaming the victim!" we were told, angrily. "People should be able to walk the streets safely, whether they're women or men."

"Should" and reality often inhabit separate worlds, however. And the world of "should" is certainly not the reality of black women. We're used to watching our backs, used to assuming harm may well come to us if we're not scrupulously careful -- and sometimes even if we are. (That antebellum thing again.) We're used to our darker selves being less valued than our fairer sisters. After all, the same day the Central Park jogger was attacked, two women of color were assaulted and killed -- and made very small print in the Times' Metro section a few days later. Donald Trump did not, as he had with the jogger, take out a full-page ad offering $25,000 for information that would lead to the assailants' capture. What conclusions should we draw from such things?

Which is why, when the Southern Nevada chapter of NOW recently announced it was starting a letter-writing campaign to keep Mike Tyson, suspended from boxing a year ago for biting Evander Holyfield's ears in a championship fight, from being reinstated by the Nevada Athletic Commission, black reaction in some corners was swift and predictable: "Uh-huh -- what do they really want, 'cause you know those white girls weren't speaking up about this before now!"

N E X T+P A G E: "You can run, Mike, but you can't hide"