Along with their wives, SAHDs feel strongly that even the best day care can't replace an attentive parent. When both Birdseys were working, Tal says, "The only time I ever felt comfortable, the only time I stopped thinking about the baby was when he was napping. Then I knew he was all right."

The SAHDs may be the first significant group of men with little lingering notion of male superiority. While they may remain haunted by societal biases, some readily admit that their wives are more clever, more energetic and better able to cope in society -- or at least that they had played their cards more effectively.

Andrew Stockwood has great admiration for his partner, Shirley Netten, a lawyer and political advisor. "Shirley has the education, experience and talent to make lots of money," says Stockwood, who recently passed up a job as a roving photojournalist in the South Pacific. Having relished two years with his first child, he prefers to stay home in anticipation of "oogling" his soon-to-arrive second. "I love the fact that this lets us live an alternative lifestyle and still be very comfortable. Her skills are extremely valuable and sought after.

"Succeeding as a professional still feels like a triumph for women," Stockwood muses. "I was always expected to be a successful professional, so that route seemed boring and constraining to me. And given the choice, I would rather bake the bread than buy the flour."

Yet the men fret that women are not necessarily happy with the setup. "I think Shirley dreams that I will one day transform myself into a real man who goes out and makes lots of money and lets her stay home with her children, at least part time," Stockwood says.

For some women, the rise of domestic paternity means that their hard-earned career right is morphing into a responsibility. Lewis says, "My wife would like it if I could earn more. She wants to stay at home with the kids. But she's a doctor, and the huge difference between her income and mine makes it ridiculous for her not to work. If I were supporting us, we'd be living in a shack."

While many SAHDs expected child care to be a light, midlife sabbatical (chalk this up to lingering male hubris), the consensus is that it's not easy being a househusband. They complain of grueling 100-hour work weeks, with no breaks, vacation, bonuses or income. They are, no doubt, getting a taste of the bitter reality that traditional moms have suffered for generations: Society belittles the care giver's vocation. But the hardest part, they say, strikes at the heart of their masculinity. Men are uneasy taking on a role that women scorned loudly a generation ago.

"What?" Birdsey objects when I call to interview him. "You're writing about a poor sap who got off the career path and started going nowhere fast?" Birdsey is a poet and painter who has studied in the hallowed halls of Oxford University. After recovering from his college years, he was a popular teacher at an alternative school in Atlanta. Now he's a full-time SAHD and lives in Vermont.

No matter how egalitarian they may feel, "Men are programmed to go out and conquer things, to bring home the game," Birdsey says. "In our 30s and 40s, we're supposed to be establishing ourselves. Suddenly I have nothing that's rewarded by the wider society. When people ask what I do, I tell them I take care of kids, but that doesn't really cover it. There are 500 little things I do every day, but none of them really seems significant. I pack lunch, I make sure that the car is warm when the boys get in it, I keep track of their mittens. Sure, I'm educating them to do this in the future, but it's hard to see that as an important thing to do."

For the time being, some SAHDs say they feel isolated. Away from the workaday adult world, they're often alone in their convictions, and are outcasts among the generally more traditional moms they see during the day. "Yesterday at the playground there was a little boy who got along so well with Emily," says Andy Murray, referring to his 2-year-old, an adorable firecracker with an Einsteinian flop of white hair. "I wanted the kids to get together again, but there's this whole thing about me, a man alone with a child, giving out my phone number to a woman."

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