"Homophobia in the schools," says Park-Rogers grimly, "is huge, it's unchecked; many teachers turn a blind eye and it affects all kids no matter what their age. Recently we heard about a second-grader who did a show and tell about what her two mommies and she did on vacation. Her life became a living hell after that."

The Gay-Straight Alliance Network, which serves 130 student clubs in Northern California, provided me with scary stats on homophobic harassment. Recent (1999-2000) surveys conducted in four San Francisco Bay Area high schools (2,227 respondents) revealed that 53 percent of the students frequently hear homophobic comments at school (one to 10 times daily). Sixty-seven percent said that they make such comments themselves; 84 percent said they rarely or never hear staff members intervene when anti-gay comments are made; and 48 percent said that they do not think their campus is safe for queer students.

I thought about Nathan, who carries my chromosomes. If any classmate ever teases that boy about having Rachel and Monica for parents, well -- watch out! Pissed-off old Uncle Seed is going to windmill into the playground to bash up some brat heads plus their lazy-ass teacher. Gimme a piece of the principal, too!

Sweet little Agnes, who likes to teethe on my ears. Elizabeth, who plays with her upchuck. I hope the world changes quickly so they'll never be harassed. I watch them fling things about, sleep, defecate, cry and nurse on their gentle mamas. Agnes' nickname is "lovebug," Elizabeth's is "peanut," Nathan's is "that sexy young man." Tallulah's? My wife and I don't have a term of endearment for her yet. Maybe when I cut back my work hours -- I'm trimming them to 36 next week. My wife's also talking about quitting her demanding job; she used to sleep with women, so maybe she can actually do it.

"Our House," a documentary about kids with gay and lesbian parents directed by Meema Spadola, is presently circulating on PBS stations. The film depicts daughters and sons of gays and lesbians in five diverse families (Latino, African-American, Mormon, Jewish, rural, working class, etc.) frankly discussing their domestic situation. Maybe every homophobe will watch it and realize how "normal" their supposedly "different" adversaries are, and subsequently change their hurtful viewpoint. Maybe all the bigots will peruse Alternative Family Magazine's benign articles on summer sunburn dangers and children's Web sites, and tolerantly recognize how much they and their kids have in common with the rest of us.

Maybe they'll even perceive the stress-inducing foibles and stereotypes that exist in hetero parenting, and work at changing them to become better parents, like queers. That's what I'm trying to do.

"Hey, Hank," says bushy-haired Darcy. "You should come to Camp It Up! with us next summer. What a blast."

"Gosh. Isn't that exclusively for lesbian and gay families? It's like Lavender Hill and Rainbow Family Camp, right? Carol and Tallulah and I aren't allowed in, are we?"

"Pshaw!" Darcy snorts. "You're our friends. You're invited. We're all going to go next year!" The Momazons enthusiastically describe the idyllic lifestyle of the lesbian camp: free arts and crafts classes daily and "lots of doing ... nothing! It's wonderful! You have to come with us, puhleeze!" The giddy chattering of the moms excites all the babies. "YAEIAICK! YAIAIECK!" they shriek, watching us and clapping their pudgy pink hands together. We observe them happily. Nobody knows if the babies are gay or straight. Nobody cares. What's important is that they're all friends, like their parents.

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