Our family's recovery

When the grandmother the girls called "the human Barbie doll" died in the World Trade Center, they were buried in grief. But Brianna and Shannon, and their parents, Jay and Louise, refuse to let the past rule them.

Editor's note: This article continues a Salon series exploring the impact of 9/11 five years after the attacks.

By Lori Leibovich

Read more: Lori Leibovich, Life, 5 Years After

Sept. 11, 2006 | HAZLET, N.J. -- For months after her grandmother died, Shannon Yaskulka doodled incessantly, drawing swirls and curlicues on any piece of paper she could find. Confused by what the drawings meant, her parents, Jay and Louise, brought them to Shannon's pediatrician, who showed them to a psychologist. "The psychologist said it looked like smoke," says Jay. Presumably Shannon was copying the plumes from the World Trade Center that she had glimpsed on television on Sept. 11, 2001, when the 3-year-old turned to her father and said, "Daddy, that's where Grandma works."

"We figured she's only 3, she's not comprehending this," says Jay. "But she was."

Shannon's grandmother, Myrna Yaskulka, was killed in the World Trade Center on 9/11. She worked as an executive secretary at Fred Alger Management, located on the 93rd floor of the north tower. Five years after her death, the Yaskulkas, like thousands of families who lost loved ones on Sept. 11, are still coping with the aftershocks.

Jay, 38, a former Target manager, has been unemployed since 2000 and suffers from clinical depression. Louise, 40, remains plagued by guilt because she was supposed to be standing in front of the towers, on her way to work, when the planes hit. Their daughter, Brianna, 13, is furious about the way her grandmother was killed. And Shannon, 8, still fights against the debilitating symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. When the sky turns dark, the way it did when the smoke filled it on Sept. 11, she is often paralyzed with panic.

The public tragedy has dredged up past family traumas while also creating new psychological wounds. Losing a loved one is always painful, but losing her under horrifying circumstances makes recovery so much more difficult. "Usually when grieving, you get to a point when you can reminisce and remember good times," says Alan Steinberg, associate director of the National Center for Child Traumatic Stress at UCLA. "But if every time you think of them, your mind is drawn to the horrifying way they died, your positive memories are blocked."

Yet Jay and Louise are determined to keep their positive memories of Myrna alive, and are doing everything in their power to help their daughters move through their grief. In 2003, they moved from Staten Island, N.Y., where Myrna and many friends and neighbors who perished in the towers had lived, to the middle-class town of Hazlet. They have taken advantage, individually and together, of the free therapeutic services available to 9/11 families. Jay and Louise strive to keep the girls from dwelling on the tragic day, but they have also instituted a family rule: No subject, not Osama bin Laden or Islam or their personal demons, is off limits. For the past five years, openness has been their chosen method of coping -- and they're banking on truth and honesty to help their daughters heal.

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On a recent scorching August afternoon, Jay is sitting on a leather couch in his dark and heavily air-conditioned living room. A bald, stocky man with a blond mustache and bright blue eyes, his posture is rigid from a chronic back condition, but he relaxes when he speaks about Myrna.

She was a "party animal," he says, laughing and recounting his mother's love of dancing and attending singles events. She was the girls' "human Barbie doll" and let them paint her face with makeup and style her hair. A compulsive shopper, Myrna visited Century 21, the famous discount department store near the World Trade Center, every workday. After Myrna's death, Louise found 200 pairs of sunglasses and an entire trunk of clothes, including glamorous evening gowns that still had the price tags on them, in her apartment.

Myrna's remains were never recovered, so the Yaskulkas filled two urns with poems, mementos and a Century 21 bag. Her cemetery plot has a view of the Woodridge Mall in New Jersey. "She chose that spot because she wanted to face Bloomingdale's," Jay says, chuckling. Photographs of Myrna show a woman who looked dramatically younger than her 59 years, a woman who fancied rhinestone sunglasses, gold lamé raincoats and white faux-fur hats, like the one that sits atop a bust on an end table in the Yaskulkas' living room, a tribute to its owner.

The Yaskulkas' boxy ranch house sits on a quiet street, lined with similarly compact houses. On the Saturday I visit, they are holding a garage sale and their driveway is filled with old toys, tchotchkes and furniture. Neighbors and friends mingle on the lawn and kids splash in the backyard pool. Even though the Yaskulkas moved to Hazlet three and half years ago, they still haven't fully unpacked; boxes are scattered around the house and the dining room table is covered in papers. In a corner of the small upstairs hallway stands a curio cabinet filled with 9/11 mementos: a star of David made from a steel beam from ground zero, a copy of the 9/11 Commission Report and a portrait of Myrna painted by Brianna.

Unlike other families who spent the first weeks after 9/11 waiting and praying for their loved ones to return, Jay says he knew immediately that his mother was dead. "My brothers and I -- we always talked about the fact that there was a black cloud over our family," he says. "I wanted to believe otherwise, but I knew." The black cloud first formed in 1981, when Jay's father, Stuart, was murdered in a botched robbery. "Three gunshots to the head for $60," says Jay, who was 13 at the time. "Both my parents went to work and never came home."

It's the senseless and violent death of his father -- and the fact that his family kept silent about it -- that make Jay and Louise fiercely determined to talk with their daughters about their grandmother's death, if the kids want to. "I don't want them to keep it inside like I did," Jay says. "As a kid, I tried to keep busy. I tried not to think about my father and I had a lot of anger."

Shortly after 9/11, Jay attended community meetings in Staten Island, but they soon began to bother him. The auditoriums were filled with children who had lost parents, and yet no one was talking to, or about, them. At one meeting, Jay rose to address the parents in the crowd. "I said, 'Kids understand more than we think they do,'" and then he told them about his experience as a fatherless 13-year-old. "I said, 'I'm not a psychologist, but I can tell you what it's like.'" He shared with them the fact that as a grown man he cried at his wedding, at the birth of his children, and each year on his father's birthday. While trauma settles and recedes over time, on certain occasions it rises to the surface. "The pain never goes away," Jay says he told the parents. "Even for children -- especially for children."

"If you as an adult can't understand how something like 9/11 could happen," Jay says, "how will you explain it to a child?"

Next page: "I don't want them to take life as gloom and doom"