Sexless and loving it

Who is your ideal reader for your book?

A woman who's been dating and likely been sexually active, and who finds that the kind of lifestyle she's been told would bring her closer to happiness -- and I don't even mean just casual sex, but a woman who has had some monogamous relationships that were sexual that didn't pan out -- and who doesn't feel she is any closer to having the marriage she wants. Instead of following the pop-culture prescription, to single-mindedly pursue a man who's going to make you happy, I am suggesting women should be singular and concentrate on being the best people they can be and displaying grace as individuals and as women. In doing that they will become more giving, more appreciative of everyone around them, so not only will they be better able to have meaningful friendships and relationships, but they will also be able to enjoy this time they have as singular women.

It seems clear that having sex in casual relationships made you unhappy. But is it inconceivable to you that lots of women enjoy having sex with men they may not marry?

Don't misunderstand me; I had quite a great time doing it. There were times when I would count how many men I had had sex with in one two-week period and thought, "I must be this really hot, attractive chick to attract so many men." And men would compliment my technique and were thankful that I had read the Kama Sutra. But I said something recently on a panel discussion on chastity that made everybody groan but that is perfectly relevant: That is -- when thinking in terms of "How I can be happy without settling down with one person?" -- when you're 80 years old and an invalid, who's going to wipe your butt? I spent so much time as a rock journalist, interviewing people who really lived the sexual revolution. And the most youthful, happy people had found one husband or wife.

But I'm not talking about rejecting commitment for your whole life. I'm talking about women who get pleasure from having sex before they settle down with someone.

It's been found that the individuals in America who have the most frequent and most orgasmic sex are married couples who worshipped once a week.

As far as people getting enjoyment from it, I'm sure that there are men who could come forward and relate to you all sorts of contortions that my face has gone through as a result of their prowess. But the important thing in life is not sex per se but relationships. Not just with someone you're having sex with. The message of "Thrill of the Chaste" is about making love to the world, so to speak, so you can be in love with one person. It's about having substance as a person, seeking out friends who have depth and substance.

Do you believe that people who aren't chaste can have those same kinds of deep friendships?

No, I don't believe they can. I know that sounds painful and judgmental. But the nature of sex is it's a physically sacrificing act: I give myself entirely to you. If you're giving your entire body to a person without giving yourself emotionally, you're creating a dichotomy. You're setting yourself up to compartmentalize all your relationships into transactions.

Look at "Sex and the City." There was the artistic friend, the sex kitten friend, the flaky friend. It's about, what does she get psychologically from each one? rather than experiencing each person for who they are.

But "Sex and the City" was fiction, and those are stock characters -- the flaky friend and the smart friend and the sexy friend -- found in everything from "The Group" to "The Golden Girls."

Sure. And it's true that I have artistic friends and quiet friends. But when I was having casual sex, I would look at my friends and think, "Kate is the friend who I can go to concerts with" and "Janet is the friend I can talk to about boys." I'd look at friends in terms of what they were giving me rather than what I am giving them and sharing with them.

So you're saying that now that you're chaste, you don't have certain friends who enjoy going to concerts with you more than others?

I do. But I have a circle of friends who I enjoy on every level, because I sought people of substance who share my values, though some may like concerts more than others. I'm not saying that my old friends weren't nice people, weren't giving people. But when you're not chaste, at base your friendships are transactional, and there may be sparks of real give-and-take, but never like the kinds of friendships you can have when you're taking the focus off the superficial.

But if you'd found something else in your life besides chastity that was important to you and made new friends who shared your passion for it, wouldn't you also have more intense friendships with them?

No, it's really not possible. When I was listening to music and just sought out friends who shared my musical passions, I didn't really feel on a deep level that they were friends who were going to be there for me no matter what. I felt that they were friends with me because I did things that interested them. But interests don't make a friendship. I think that it's shared values. And the deeper your values get, the deeper friendships you are going to have, and the more your physical acts are united with emotions, the more everything you do in your life is going to be infused with an emotional depth that will enrich you spiritually.

OK, but I don't feel like I have any friends with whom I have those transactional relationships you describe.

I think I was too judgmental earlier by implying that people who are unchaste can't have deep friendships. If it were possible for me to take a red pen to this interview I'd put a red line through that. That's one of those bold generalizations that should never come out of my mouth. And I apologize. What I'm trying to say is that whatever you're doing in your sex life is going to impact your ability to give emotionally in other areas. And if you have a sex life where you're married and you don't have the hangups that come from having sex outside of marriage, you will be able to give more fully in your friendships. This is one of the few things that might only be true for me personally and might not be true for other people. For me personally, I did not understand friendship until I became chaste, because it was only then that I personally understood how to give and to seek out people who are real givers.

I feel bad that I rambled when I was talking about my friends Janet and Kate. I made it sound like they're not good friends to me and that I'm above them because I somehow know how to be friends, and that's just so wrong. Literally when I go into the confessional today I'm going to confess puffing myself up and pretending that I'm a better friend than my friends. Because these are friends who probably would have put themselves on the line for me much more than I would have for them. The real quote is that I am simply better capable of being a friend now. But not that they weren't good friends.

Next page: "I didn't want to think of what would become of me if I didn't get married"