Eric Schaeffer wants to marry you

Do you have a theory about why you're still single?

I haven't met anyone I really like. I have a smaller pool that I'm able to look in. I don't drink or do drugs or smoke; that's a deal-breaker. But if a woman drinks very casually, totally fine. I've learned who I am and I bring a whole human being to a relationship, a guy who's introspective about my foibles and has a method to work on them. That's the only thing that's really required, that you're not being ruled by your baggage unknowingly. I want to be inspired by a woman. I want to wake up and go, "Oh my god, wow! What's in your mind today? What did you create today?" And she can have any kind of job ... but no, actually, a lot of jobs are out.

What do you mean?

You know, if she had a Republican job, that would be out.

What's a Republican job?

If she worked for the Republican Party, if she had a talk show like Rush Limbaugh, that's what I mean by a Republican job. If her point of view was catty and inhumane and superficial, that'd be out. I want a woman who's an openhearted, loving, sweet person who doesn't drink or drug, who treats her body well. And then, because I don't want to have kids for five or six years [she needs to be under 37]. I want to have some Christmases and time to really get to know the woman before it's all about kids.

I've read your blog that you've "always known your fifties would be about kids." You've also written that you won't date women who have been victims of sexual abuse. I understand that everyone has their preferences. But these requirements seem to be all about how you envision yourself, your future. It doesn't really leave room for you to be wowed by another human being with her own visions for her future.

Again, I think I am exactly like everybody else, just very clear about it. I will not have a child in the next three years. Because that child will not get the father that he deserves. My sense is in five years, or six years or seven years ... That's been my sense my whole life. But this comes with the caveat: What the fuck do I know? You could sit here and tell me, "You know what, Eric, I'm a Republican, I don't fit some of your deal-breakers," and I would be open to being wowed by you. But there are guidelines.

Guidelines that make a relationship all about you.

That's so funny what you just said. Because it is all about my needs in terms of who I want. Once we fall in love it's a compromise, but setting out, of course it's all about my needs. And [my idea of who I'd like] is a liberal ideal! It's anyone I fucking like! A 5-foot-2, 200-pound Indian woman! It could be anybody.

Except if she's 40.

Yes. Or if she drinks too much, or if she's at an age where she can't have two or three babies in five or six years. Other than that I am way more liberal than 90 percent of men and women. Do you know how many women have written me and said, "You're an inch too short"?

Of course these are different things. I just think that cutting off all these people reflects that maybe you don't really want to be with anyone.

I'd rather have not been married three times with three kids from broken homes right now because I didn't know what my deep truth was and compromised. I have spent 24 years not drinking and drugging, meditating. Every night I write out what I've done wrong today. I fucking spend a lot of time reflecting on how to be a better person. Tracking down cab drivers I was short to. I don't know who else does that.

You've written that you had sex with your girl cousins when you were 6. Is that true?

Yeah. They were 5, 6, and 7, and I was 6 and we would play little games and some involved playing Mommy and Daddy and sleeping together.

And penetration occurred?

Yes.

But you don't consider that a sexually damaging experience?

Not at all. All kids who are 6 are rubbing it somewhere. If you as a parent don't think yours are, you are in abject denial.

But actual sex with family members is a big leap from rubbing it somewhere.

You mean actually sticking it in for two seconds and having her run and tell her mother that this isn't a good game anymore?

Whoa, that's a whole other level...

We were both 6, so it wasn't like that. We played Mommy and Daddy. We were both kissing. And then it got stuck in and then ... you know, I fucked my little guy friends when I was 6!

I read that you peed on your guy friends at 6, but did you have sex with them too?

Yes.

Were you the top?

I was both top and bottom. These were friends! We would crawl under the covers and play bat cave and somehow a dick would end up in someone's ass. [Laughter] And then the boys went away and I started liking girls. You know in many cultures, the Greek culture, it is happening. Equestrian class, girls are rubbing it on horseback, guys are climbing up the rope.

There's a difference between equestrian class and sex with your cousin at 6. But you don't think these experiences fucked you up?

Not at all. Because it wasn't anybody perpetrating a crime against me.

No, but your cousin running to her mother doesn't sound too happy.

Yeah, she was a little flustered by it, and then the rule was, I wasn't allowed to hug her hello or goodbye. But this is ancient; it did not start with Eric Schaeffer in 1969. Do I have intimacy issues around sex? Sure. I had to work on that. My point is, Rebecca, I've done all that work.

How about some of your other dating barometers, like, "I don't want my wife to be the kind of woman who waits two days to call back," etc.

I'm FedEx; I don't like a woman who's book rate. If I come at you with that kind of wooing and enthusiasm, I want a woman who gives it back.

I'm curious about your date with "April," and how angry you were at the fact that she refused to go with you spontaneously to Vermont directly after your first date, when she was hosting a party.

Yes. I want someone who would have [gone with me]. Cause I would have done it.

But this is a woman you've just met, she has a commitment to host a dinner party...

The dinner party was three people: her best friend, one other woman and her uncle. I learned that she was the kind of person that would say no to me and yes to that dinner. That takes the wind out of my sails and makes my heart sink.

But what's bad about the fact that she has a life that she's committed to?

This was not a life she was committed to. That dinner wasn't with someone who flew from fucking Arizona to see her. But I did continue to see her. Would I have loved it if she could have done a fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants and chosen this amazingly romantic thing over that? Of course. Did I suspect it was emblematic of the deeper issue, this thing that doesn't work for me? Yes.

What's "that thing" that doesn't work for you?

A lack of openness to embrace her own true feelings. I kept going out with her, because I wanted to champion that part of her, that if she wanted to go to Vermont, would say, "Fear, go fuck yourself!"

Next page: "My fantasy would really be to have a woman with a phallus"