And if gay couples think the state is involved in their marriage, wait until they try to get divorced. Indeed, several divorce attorneys said gay couples who married and are now going through a divorce are often shocked to hear they may have to pay their former spouse alimony or be responsible for their debts. For some gay couples, divorce (and its unfolding nightmare) wasn't even on their radar.
Frederick Hertz, an Oakland, Calif., attorney who advises gay couples on marriage and divorce, says gay couples have always been more financially autonomous than their heterosexual counterparts, and some are simply not comfortable with the potential financial exposure that comes with being married. Hertz tells concerned clients they have two options to avoid this risk: Enter into a prenuptial agreement -- for a fee of $5,000 -- or simply don't register. Many opt for the latter.
But all of this applies to gay couples who can actually divorce. Given the convoluted gay marriage laws, which differ widely from state to state, attorneys say gay divorce promises to be a messy business. Those interviewed for this story say they receive calls and e-mails almost weekly from couples who "married" in one state and now live elsewhere and desperately want to get divorced. In Massachusetts, for instance, at least one party must reestablish residency in the state -- a process that takes a year -- in order to file for divorce. Divorce will be particularly problematic for couples who relocated to states that don't even recognize gay marriage. If a state doesn't recognize the marriage, it ain't going to recognize gay divorce.
Hertz says he gets e-mails all the time from people who have moved and now want out of their marriage. He puts them into two categories: those who lived in one state and moved, and those with the "Holiday Wedding Problem." That is, they married three, four, even five times, as each state passed its own version of gay marriage, and now they want to untie those knots.
Hertz tells them, "Get yourself a good lawyer."
The problem is, if gay couples can't find a way to untangle their unions, they won't be able to marry anyone else. At least that's the theory. In practice, many will, and they could wind up bigamists, he said.
"The bottom line is, states do not have to recognize a marriage if their state constitution has a Defense of Marriage Act included in it. And lots of states have that," Hertz said.
Thomas Curtiss Jr., a principal with the California law firm of Rodi Pollock Pettker Christian & Pramov, says he has a lot of gay clients, and only a small minority of them have registered as domestic partners. Curtiss himself, who is gay, says he wouldn't even consider it.
"My partner and I would never register, unless there was a real benefit," he said.
He's not the only one. When California initially passed a domestic partnership law in 2000, 4,894 gay couples jumped on the bandwagon. But when the state beefed up its domestic partnership law in 2005, giving it more of the financial rights and obligations of a heterosexual marriage, gay couples were allowed to withdraw their domestic partnership registrations. And 2,513 did just that. Another 1,651 have done so since. Curtiss says he still gets clients coming to him inquiring how they can withdraw those early registrations.
"I titled one of my speeches, 'Beware of What You Ask For,'" Curtiss said.
About the writer
Caren Chesler is a freelance writer living on the Jersey shore. She writes about education, politics and finance. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the New York Daily News, the New York Post, Investor's Business Daily and Bloomberg, among others.
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