Stop the mommy madness

You have a chapter on diaper duty. What did you learn about that power struggle?

One of the things I've observed with a lot of heterosexual couples is that men often stop doing more because they're tired of being told they do it wrong. So sometimes the way to get men to help is to not dictate how it gets done -- even if it means you go and spend the night at your girlfriend's or mother's house so he knows what it's like to get up and get the kids out of the door to go to school. Also, don't get caught up in superficial things. "You can't put him facing out in the Baby Björn, you have to carry him facing in!" Who says?

I also think that women don't know how to ask for things for themselves. They're so much better at asking for it on behalf of someone else. When you have kids, what you're really asking for is just respect from your partner and help in your life. I think some of the bitterness is born because we're masking our real motivations.

I think for stay-at-home mothers, asking for help can cause tension, because husbands may think, "But you don't help me with my job. Why should I help you with yours?"

I think women cut men a lot of slack. They might say, "Oh, I want him to go to the gym because I don't want him to feel like our lives have changed." We're so much more focused on them being taken care of. But we don't want to go to the gym because then our kids will grow up to hate us because we went to the gym instead of playing with them.

But being a writer and an activist affords a lot of flexibility. What do you suggest for women with less accommodating jobs?

I think some women have been surprised when they've gone to their employers and been more honest about their conundrums. They've been able to create unique scenarios. This is not everybody, of course. There are definitely people with employers who say, "No way. Do it my way or you leave." But I think one of the more productive ways to [frame the issue] is not actually "work-family" but "work-life," so you're not creating a hierarchy between parents and nonparents in the workplace in which parents are seen as getting "perks" that other employees don't get. When you couch it in terms of "work-life" it opens it up to the entire workforce. So people will be like, "Yeah, I'm tired of using my sick days to go take care of my mother."

You argue that we often don't take advantage of the laws that are already there. But in some cases -- especially for lower-income women -- the laws still need work. I was surprised to learn that 78 percent of people can't afford to take the parental leave they are entitled to.

And the parental leave in the U.S. only applies to companies that have 50 or more employees. So the laws need to be fine-tuned and articulated. But I do think sometimes the last leap for us is believing in the equality we fight for. I see it so much in mothers who say, "Ugh, asking my employer to pay for my leave is just asking for too much." We need to really believe it, not just argue for it.

At one point, you write, "I've come to measure my success as a parent not in the usual way, by how well-adjusted my children are, but by how well I am doing."

I have an anecdote in "Opting In" where I talk about going to my son's pediatrician after he was born and being shocked that the doctor was always asking about me. And then I realized it is a good measure, because if you're so focused on your kid's every need it is depleting who you are as a person and it is masking something. But if you're doing well, it's likely that your kids are doing well. I also have a line in there where I say I'm intentionally not a stay-at-home mom because I don't want to be blamed for every mishap. When you've made parenting your life, any foible becomes your fault. And women really start to internalize that.

That doesn't mean that I don't deliberate constantly, or that I am not constantly sleep-deprived, or that I don't feel like I make compromises. I think the difference comes back to one of expectations. I never thought parenting would be easy. I just choose to accept my path rather than constantly complain or deliberate about it. I want parents to have an outlet for their frustration and their anxiety, but I also want them to be empowered enough to stop complaining and start enacting.

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