Bridesmaid revisited

Brown concludes that, in her situation, one problem was that the bridesmaids in that wedding didn't actually know one another. "We were people she knew from different phases of her life -- high school, college, work. If I had been close to any one of those women, some of whom I'd never even met before, I suspect we could have tried to gently stage some kind of intervention."

But even the gentlest of bride interventions -- be it a solo or a group endeavor -- is easier said than done. "It's very hard to turn around to one of your best friends and say, no, I'm not doing that," admits Mead. "Nobody wants to be the person who's sour about something so delightful and optimistic as the beginning of a marriage."

I ask Mead if she has any advice for future bridesmaids. "Well, playing Miss Manners isn't really my thing, but if someone asks you to be in a wedding, maybe the thing to do is to say upfront, 'I'd love to, but do you have any idea what it's going to mean in terms of financial commitment,' if that's what you're really concerned about."

I also ask Hamilton for some words of wisdom, and her advice is similar to Mead's. "You've got to know -- and let the bride know -- where your line is in the sand," she says. "When asked to be a bridesmaid, it's not inappropriate to ask, 'What are your expectations of me going to be?' before accepting. If the bride's response is, 'I will need you to fly all over the world,' it's perfectly OK to say, 'I think I'm going to have to decline the honor. It just sounds like more than I can handle at this stage of my life.'"

She points out that a similar "I'm sorry, but I can't accommodate that request" is also acceptable if, in the later stages of wedding planning, the bride asks a bridesmaid to alter her physical appearance -- be it via Botox, a haircut or a particular shade of nail polish -- in a way with which the bridesmaid is not comfortable. I point out that I've seen friendships end over less.

Hamilton, however, assures me that enabling bad behavior doesn't do anyone -- the bridesmaid or the bride -- any good. "I tell bridesmaids that they're almost being so kind that they're cruel when they don't confront the bride, who is allegedly a good friend." She emphasizes that such a confrontation should not entail screaming or cursing but that the bridesmaid should be calm, firm and as unemotional as possible.

Agrell also addresses the friendship factor when offering up advice. "The real key [to avoiding a bridesmaid catastrophe] is to nip it in the bud in the beginning, and don't be a bridesmaid for someone that you're not close friends with," she says. "Because I like to think that if you are close friends with someone, then they'll get it if you say this is too much."

This sounds reasonable enough. But what if, like me, you're plagued by the guilt-inducing "It's her perfect day and she picked me to help celebrate, so I have to say yes and do anything she wants" credo that breaks even the strongest of women?

"Many bridesmaids feel too flattered at the idea of being asked to be part of the bridal party and too bashful or selfish at giving their friend, the bride, anything short of their left arm for the perfect wedding day," confirms Rebecca Dolgin, executive editor of the wedding site TheKnot.com.

For those who will inevitably and indiscriminately say yes to bridesmaid duty, Dolgin provides a do's-and-don'ts list of "tips to survive the wrath of bridezilla." Do, for example, "set her expectations of your time and money capabilities. Do send a subtle 'cool it' cue: tell her one of the stories you read in this article as a 'you wouldn't believe this crazy bride' anecdote and say, 'you would never do that!'"

Don't, for example, "forget this is an emotional time of tremendous change for her, and her bridezilla behavior is just a symptom of her appropriate fear and underlying insecurity about having 250 people watch her make the most important commitment in her life. Don't be the devil's advocate with planning/taste issues."

Again, this makes sense. Although, after hearing Brown's story about the lime green dress and that of Jenny, a Southern bridesmaid who, along with 11 other bridesmaids, "was instructed to hold the bouquets low to make you look skinnier," I have to disagree with that last piece of advice.