How You Gotta Enjoy Wine
Technique by Ray Smuckles
What's the big deal with wine?! I think in the 80s and 90s people thought it was kind of a complicated thing. You know, like how you had to have the perfect wine to go with whatever food you were eating, or you would look like some kind of clown with a problem in his mind. Man, that is ridiculous. You ain't gotta be careful about wine. You just gotta have some. On that note, here are some tips on the basic enjoyment of wine.
Stick with bottled wine.
Basically, don't get the stuff that comes in the box unless you're just plannin' on goin' crazy for the night (gonna jump on the hood of a friend's car that's peelin' out, etc).
All whites: keep in fridge. All reds: room temperature.
Beyond that there is a whole other world, but all you gotta know is this: there's reds, and there's whites. You always serve a white wine chilled (fridge temperature) and a red at room temperature. I don't need to explain why this is. It is basic.
Don't worry a bunch about matching wine to food.
"How do I match my wine with the food that I made? Can you tell me?" people ask. Ain't no one cares if you match the wine to the food! You know how some people got perfect pitch, and always like wince and complain about whatever you play on your musical instrument, or point out how the music you listen to isn't actually "correct"? And they only listen to classical music? They are like the people who worry about wine matching food. Everyone hates them.
You should not hate the way a wine tastes.
If you take a sip and you completely hate it because it is awful, then there is a problem with the wine. Sometimes wine interacts with the cork and tastes like a swamp. You can return that wine to the store for a full refund. If they say you've had too much of it, maybe go through the produce section and kind of knock some fruit down on the floor.
Sometimes decanting and breathing a wine can soften its strong original taste. What is all that mumbo jumbo? It is a way of mixing the wine with more air so that all the nasty stuff takes off into the environment. To decant and breathe a wine, simply pour it into a decanter and leave it open for a half hour or so. If you never got a decanter from anyone, just pour the wine into a big bowl and then put a turkey baster by the bowl so that people can serve themselves some perfect wine.
There are different ways to hold different wines.
You know stemware? Glasses with stems? Then I got two tips to help you not make a tacky mistake next time you are at a party. It is real basic:
Is there white wine in the glass? Hold it by the stem.
This way your hand does not heat the wine. Yes, the situation is really that delicate. And people will notice. There is nothin' more trashy than a lady holdin' white wine by the bowl of the glass. I immediately leave the party if there is a lady like that there.
Red wine in the glass? Hold it by the bowl.
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