Letters

"There is now, officially, nothing new left for women to complain about." Salon readers of both sexes sound off about Rebecca Traister's article on wife shopping.

Mar 23, 2005 | [Read "Wife Shop," by Rebecca Traister.]

Rebecca, as you admit in your article, you have put men in quite a bind. First we're not committed enough, now when we want to settle down we are desperate.

I have to say that as a 38-year-old man with his life and career together, I am looking for someone to marry and have children with.

My ideas about love changed as I got older. Sloppy kisses on a subway platform are great (fantastic even) but they are not lasting -- perhaps only fuel for something more. Why lead women on? I try not to come on too strong on dates, but I'm not looking for one-night stands anymore either.

I can't believe I might be siding with conservatives, but marriage can be an expression and act of love beyond romantic passion -- as can having "progeny." I don't feel bad about seeking this future with women I date.

It is great that so many more women are independent and enjoying it, but ladies, you will tend to get what you have long complained about: uncommitted men. You can't have it both ways. As for stable men actively seeking wives, trust me, we'll find them.

-- S.R. Johnson

How very disappointing it is to see Salon post (yet) another article gloating about how amusing it is when old stereotypes get reversed.

I often find Traister's perspective on the world to be fairly sexist -- but she is sexist in a way that flatters women (and is therefore acceptable). If a man does X it's neurotic, creepy, cynical and shows he can't come to grips with the bold, empowered and hip women of today. But if a woman does X it is bold, empowering, hip, fresh and how great it is that the tide has finally turned.

This is a theme which pops up in nearly anything she writes and she helps to illustrate exactly why I stopped dating New York females. (Are we to honestly believe that she never meets men who exist in a happy medium between commitment-o-phobic and desperate?)

-- Karl Adeson

Thank you so much for an article letting me know that I'm neither crazy, nor alone. I found myself nodding through all of the examples of dates who mentally review a checklist of "wife-worthy" qualities, and inappropriately personal questions. First dates have enough intrinsic pressure (to just be pleasant and entertaining), without adding the need to be the perfect woman for siring the perfect child.

I'll second the notion that it is unsexy, unattractive and wreaks of desperation when a guy seems more into the "what" of me, rather than the "how" or "why." What ever happened to the idea of surrounding oneself with fun people and letting the presence or absence of goals and interests in common dictate the level to which that relationship shall aspire? Some people will turn out to be friends. Some will turn out to be lovers. Some will turn out to be spouses. Shopping for someone you've already married in your mind is a sure path to disappointment. You'll miss the friends and lovers you could have had. You'll most assuredly tick off a lot of people who will be correct in presuming that they are being judged more for who they aren't, rather than being appreciated for the unique individuals they are.

For the record, I'm a divorced 41-year-old who loves vacationing alone and has a career every bit as important to me as any man's is to himself. My list is pretty short. A guy who treats me as an equal, respects my opinion (while not being too shy to express a contrary one) and who makes me laugh. Too many times, I've found that the characteristics I love most about the guys who truly "get" me are the ones for which I didn't know I was searching. The guy who happily debated the merits of the Cubs vs. the Red Sox. The man who insisted I at least try hang-gliding. There isn't a list for that sort of thing.

Guys, leave yourself open to surprises. Otherwise, you may actually be sorry when you find (years later) that the woman who was good enough for you to marry isn't the one good enough to grow old with. Because, although a good pedigree may make for wonderful children, it won't help you discover anything new or lasting about yourself, life, love or anything else that truly matters.

-- Carolyn Meier

In 1974, when I was 24, I met a 31-year-old attorney who was clearly wife shopping. I was thrilled, since I was husband shopping, too. Within a few weeks we realized that although we hardly knew each other we "fit the bill" for husband and wife and probably would have a good marriage. He proposed six weeks after our first date and we got married four weeks after that. He even said he was glad I was taller than him because he wanted tall kids.

We are married for 29 years and I often think that it was those initial characteristics that we recognized about each other that helped us stay together.

So to all those women meeting wife-shopping men, I say: Don't let them slip through your hands. They might be the best husband you'll ever encounter. Nothing like a motivated hubby to make a marriage work.

-- Linda Solomon

Well, that does it. There is now, officially, nothing new left for women to complain about.

-- Tom Porter

While Rebecca Traister's article illuminates an interesting new turning of gender tables, at the end of the day, I think the phenomenon she describes also illustrates a universal truth: that unseemly aggressive or checklist-y behavior is simply not apt to get anyone -- male or female -- all hot and bothered.

At the same time, I think Kristen Kemp's anecdote says it all: Her guy weirded her out, but she stuck, warily, with it. Why? Because at some level, she liked him. Real chemistry -- or at least true, if latent, like-like -- can trump even the most heinous blunders. For every gal who has a "dating hell" story about the guy who asked if she duck-hunted, there's a gal who has a "horrible first date" story ("he asked if I duck-hunted!") about the great guy she married.

-- Lynn Harris

There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married and have a family. What's so repellent about the men in "Wife Shop" is the fact that they're going about finding a spouse the way medieval kings did, by vetting their appearance and background as if they are searching for a brood mare instead of a companion. It wasn't pretty to watch husband-hunting women in the '80s view men as walking wallets and sperm donors, and it's not pretty when men view women as trophies and wombs, either.

Note to wife (and husband) shoppers: The Middle Ages are over. If you want a spouse, try searching for a companion and friend first and foremost. You'll be much happier in the long run -- and you'll still have that family you long for.

-- Crystal Di'Anno

Next Page: When a woman exhibits this behavior she's desperate, a gold digger or, worse, both

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