A L S O+T O D A Y When Sid met Jim By Harry Jaffe The Rogan-Blumenthal showdown could be the most important confrontation in the impeachment trial   T A B L E+T A L K Should gun manufacturers be sued à la the tobacco lawsuits? Weigh in on guns and personal responsibility in the Politics area of Table Talk   Find deep discounts and great selection on the books you need to read at barnesandnoble.com Search by:  Keyword Title Author       R E C E N T L Y The mysteries of Bill Clinton By Gabriel García Márquez The Nobel Prize-winning author compares the president's fate to that of Hester Prynne (02/02/99) A twisted tale of two brothers By Jeff Stein A year after the Birmingham abortion clinic bombing, the gay brother of suspect Eric Rudolph still mourns its victims (01/29/99) Chasing Monica By Barbara Ehrenreich The House managers got their wish -- a chance to probe, examine and even "de-brief" the luscious Lewinsky (01/29/99) The trickster president By Richard Goldstein Clinton's enemies have made him a culture hero (01/29/99) No apologies By Debra Dickerson How I learned to fight for my country, proudly (01/28/99) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Browse the Newsreal Archives - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
		COMBOVER CONGRESS | PAGE 1, 2 - - - - - - - - - - Actually, Daschle has another problem. His hair is so minimally rusty one might not have suspected dye, except that his eyebrows don't match. They are oddly pale, grayish. Why has he not noticed this? Why has his staff not told him? Would it kill them to leave him a little note? It is quite possible that Daschle's eyebrows have been kidnapped by Sen. Don Nickles, whose eyebrows are downright copper, whereas his hair is a dullish brown that appears to be unattached to the scalp. It is a most startling look. A charter member of the Lott hair club for men is the sanctimonious-mouthed Bill McCollum, of whom a friend recently said, "I'd like to slap that guy around until his hair cracks into sharp little chunks like Turkish taffy." And I'd like to watch. Another Lott devotee is Gordon Smith of Oregon, one of those baby senators who are all excited to be getting on television for no reason -- and who really should make a little effort if he wants to be asked back. Finally, we must pay homage to the 13 red strands on the head of our dear old Strom Thurmond, just because LBJ said, "When he dies they're going to have to beat his pecker to death with a baseball bat to get the coffin lid down." (But someone really must talk to Charles Grodin, whose hair color, last I saw it, had faded to a frightening salmon pink.) And now, advice for our national leaders: Olympia Snowe? Stop doing it at home, honey, it's flat and lifeless. You can afford a colorist. Get Dianne Feinstein's. Byron Dorgan and Joe Lieberman? Boyfriends, no one in the history of the universe has ever, ever been fooled by a combover. Kay Bailey Hutchinson with the Darth Vader helmet? Has anyone told you what Aqua-Net does to the ozone layer? Ed Bryant and all you other dudes who think that a great big pouffy thing on your forehead makes you look Kennedy-esque? You look more like Ted Koppel, who also thinks he looks Kennedy-esque, but who in fact looks like topiary. Also, you might want to check your heads from another angle besides head on, since a bald spot behind that big pouf just compounds this hairdo felony. Henry Hyde? Do you use a blue rinse, or purple? I implore all congresspeople to come clean about their dubious hair. How can we ever even begin to believe you if we cannot even believe your follicles? SALON | Feb. 3, 1999 Cynthia Heimel is the author of many books, including "When Your Phone Doesn't Ring, It'll be Me," and the forthcoming "The Call of the Wild Girl: Crucial New Sex Tips."