King Kaufman's Sports Daily

All guarantees all the time, guaranteed! Just like in the NBA. Plus: Miller the goat. And: Fining millionaires a few bucks accomplishes nothing.

May 25, 2004 | Guaranteeing a victory is fast becoming the most tiresome cliché in sports. We've already had two guarantees during this NBA playoff season, at least two that I've noticed and I don't even pay attention to these things. And we still have almost a month to go.

Guaranteed games are 2-0, the Kings having won Game 6 over the Timberwolves following Chris Webber's assurance of a victory and the Pistons making good on Rasheed Wallace's guarantee in Game 2 against the Pacers Monday.

Remember when a player guaranteeing a win was kind of a bold statement? Joe Namath in Super Bowl III comes to mind. Now, it's just pregame noise, but boy, it sure gets you some face time on TV. I've seen Wallace intoning "They will not win Game 2" over and over more times now than I've seen that dweeb in the cellphone commercials saying, "Can you hear me now?" Wallace added, "I guarantee it."

Typists like this sort of thing but the TV people really love it because it gives them a story line on which to hang a broadcast, the inherent drama of a playoff ballgame not being nearly enough. There's the guarantee, there's the opponents' reaction (which is usually indifference, but we all know that's just a front!), there's the teammates' reaction (usually, "That's just [whoever] being [whoever]"), and of course there's the fans' reaction. It turned out in this case that following his guarantee, Rasheed was not a favorite of Indiana fans. Can you imagine? They just loved him before, right?

And anyway, there's never anything behind these guarantees. If the Pistons had lost Monday, Wallace would have shrugged his shoulders and said, "All they did was hold serve at home." It's like your local diner pronouncing "Best eggs in town -- guaranteed!" Well, if I don't think they're the best eggs in town, do I get my money back or something? Not likely.

My dictionary's first definition of guarantee is "a pledge that something is as represented and will be replaced if it does not meet specifications." If Wallace had said, "They will not win Game 2, I guarantee it. If they do I'll walk back to Detroit," then you'd have something worth paying attention to. If he had said, "They will not win Game 2, I guarantee it. If they do I'll give back my salary for this game ..."

I had to stop typing there. I was giggling too hard.

One good thing about Wallace's guarantee. It gave ESPN reason to show a slow-motion close-up replay of him at the end of the game as he shouted to the crowd -- the slow motion helped in lip-reading here -- "I told you motherfuckers! I told y'all!"

There are at least 10 and at most 17 playoff games remaining. Before the trophy is awarded, at least one player will guarantee at least one victory for his team. And lo, it'll be the Big Story of that game.

I guarantee it.

Next page: The truth about Reggie Miller. Plus: Pass the hat! Malone fined $7,500!