May 10, 1999 | Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, a real-life superhero who is able to move world markets with a single burp, has turned his X-ray financial vision to the Y2K problem. Here's what he sees: rogue bands of rascally robbers, preying on the poor unsuspecting folks who, fearing mythical computer meltdowns with Kryptonite-on-Superman-like effects, have removed their moolah from the banks and tucked it under their pillows. And the arch-villain masterminding all this? The Media.

"I know the evening news is going to play it as though we are looking at an asteroid which is about to hit us," Greenspan, whose Lois Lane happens to be NBC News reporter Andrea Mitchell, griped last week to a Chicago audience. The ensuing frenzy, he says, could cause people to become easy pickings for money-grabbing meanies, eager to get their hands "on real cash."

But, like any good superhero worth his cape, Super-Greenspan's faith in humanity remains unshaken. "I am sure that people will get very wise very soon [to the media hype] and recognize that the last thing you want to do is draw inordinate amounts of currency out of the banks." Golly, thanks Super-Greenspan.

Now then, who's bidding on rights to the cartoon series?

- - - - - - - - - - - -

A heartfelt plea for minty-fresh camel breath

"Riding a camel is like driving a stick shift, but noisier and with more attitude. It's not so much their spitting, but their breath. They should airlift Altoids to Africa."
-- Blunt-talking actor Brendan Fraser on his humped "Mummy" co-star

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Jesse Ventura: All dolled up and raring to go!!

If the idea of a plastic version of Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura sounds redundant to you, you're not up on the latest craze: Ventura action figures. (The heck with "Star Wars" toys; these li'l dudes pay tribute to a real Phantom Menace)

The flashy figures -- along with a complete line of Ventura pants, T-shirts, baseball caps and other tchotchkes as useful as their namesake -- will soon come to a gift shop near you. And in a sneak preview release Thursday in that Bloomington, Minn., bastion of democracy called the Mall of America, the Bodies were doing flying mares off the shelves faster than Jesse could say, well, anything stupid.

"We're mobbed," gasped gift-shop owner Pady Regnier, after selling more than 3,000 dolls in the first few hours her store was open. "I'm running out of SEALs and coaches."

A steal at $19.95, the flexible little fellas are available in three different outfits -- "SEAL" fatigues harking back to the wily ex-wrestler's days in the Navy, football coach duds (Jesse's a volunteer conditioning coach at a local high school) and a simple, somber suit. But unlike the proceeds from Jesse's pre-political foray into plastic, which he says paid for his Porsche, the royalties from these delightful dolls will go to charity. Like the Center for Collectors Who Oughta Have Their Heads Examined.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Bow, bow, bow

"There is a little rock 'n' roll in every congressperson's heart." -- Jon "Bowser" Bauman, formerly of retro rock band Sha Na Na, after he testified before Congress on behalf of musicians who've lost the rights to their music

- - - - - - - - - - - -

From the front to the front pages ... to the Front Page

You'd think Jesse Jackson would have taken a little break to rest up after his trying trip to Kosovo. But apparently the tireless attention seeker had matters more important than sleep to attend to last Monday night. A source tells Nothing Personal that mere hours after his triumphant return from the front, while he was still all over the front pages, the spotlight-grabbin' reverend showed up looking no worse for wear at a D.C. bar called the Front Page. Perhaps he was just trying to drive the point home.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Julie + Susan = Friends for life?

Julie Hiatt Steele, whose trial just ended in a mistrial, may not be sweating the loss of her friendship with former White House volunteer and alleged Clinton gropee Kathleen Willey too much. After all, she's got a new buddy to take her place, newly freed Clintonite Susan McDougal.

McDougal attended the "She said; She said" trial that pitted Steele against Willey, and said she had hoped to testify on Steele's behalf, just as slender Steele had done for her in her recent Starr-powered obstruction of justice trial. But Ms. McDougal, long silent on matters Clinton, couldn't remain mum about her glee at not being the one on the independent counsel's pointy legal hook for a change. "It's much better being on the other side," she said. Now, now, Susan. Nice girls don't gloat ...
salon.com | May 10, 1999

- - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - -

  Get a printer-friendly version

  E-mail a friend about this article

  Backflip this article to find it again

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Search Salon