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June 17, 1999 |
Sadly, you fine folks weren't there to keep Beyond.com CEO Mark Breier from making just
such a nearly nude fool of himself. Clad in only longish boxers and a silly smile, Breier showed off his
considerable Netrepreneurial naked ambition (as well as a physique seemingly softer than the software his
company sells online) in an appearance Tuesday on CNBC's morning talk show "Squawk Box." "In this Internet land of millions of sites, creating a buzz and being relevant is very important," Breier
proudly declared to the press after the pandering PR stunt ... er, I mean serious-minded financial news
show. "High rewards require high risk." (Is that what they teach you people in business school?) The not particularly buff high-techie's ab-flab appearance didn't go over too big with the show's host,
Joe Kernen, who spent most of the all-too-brief interview averting his eyes as best he could.
"My quota for naked men today is zero," Kernen quipped to the Associated Press, borrowing a line from
a "Seinfeld" episode. So will other nutty Netties -- Amazon.com CEO Jeff Bezos, for instance -- follow suit? "Barring
developments, I am sure we will remain dot-clothed," Amazon spokesman Bill Curry assured. I
don't know about you, but Bezos' stock has just risen with me. - - - - - - - - - - - - Well, I'll be Damon-ed "His speeches are so powerful he can make black people stop celebrating Christmas.'' -- "In Living Color"-ful comedian Damon Wayans, in his new book, "Bootleg," on Nation of
Islam leader Louis Farrakhan - - - - - - - - - - - - Is that a banana in your Tudor trash heap or are
you just happy to see me? Breaking news of randy royals past: Henry VIII, the English king famous for blowing through
wives like they were royal Kleenex, may have had a little trouble holding onto his banana. The Times of London is reporting that a half-munched banana recently discovered by archaeologists on a
Tudor trash heap near the Tower of London may have been nibbled by the ancient crown-sportin'
spouse-killer. Amy Reiter Amy Reiter's column appears daily on the People site, Monday through Friday.
Got a hot tip? Tell Amy! The finders of the not-so-fresh fruit are confounded, however, by their over-ripe discovery, which eerily resembles that browning snack you left on your kitchen counter last week. Museum of London head of archaeological services Taryn Nixon calls the ancient yellow yummy's positioning next to other datable objects "puzzling," as such exotic edibles were not believed to have been introduced into Britain until 300 years later. Expert David Cooke maintains that the banana was shipped in from Asia and taken "straight to the king." Certainly the image of the oft-beheading ruler biting off its soft, fruity little noggin and discarding the body to rot is right in character. - - - - - - - - - - - - Stand clear of the closing doors ... "We move 4.2 million people every day. How could you not find a deceased person now and then?" -- New York City Transit Authority spokesman Al O'Leary on the discovery of a dead guy on the No. 1 train Monday morning - - - - - - - - - - - - Juicy bits And the award for bludgeoning a girlfriend with the most unusual object goes to ... Nicholas Vitalich for his peerless performance with a tuna on Tuesday. San Diego police arrested Vitalich after witnesses who smelled something fishy in a supermarket parking lot carped that Vitalich ''repeatedly hit [his girlfriend] with this large fish" (fresh, not frozen, in case you were wondering, and considered by police to be a deadly weapon). "The woman had left the store after the argument and was out in the parking lot when the male approached her and struck her with a large tuna,'' San Diego police spokesman Bill Robinson told Reuters. "When officers got there she had a cut above her eye, bruising on her right arm and cuts on both legs, from where she was knocked to the ground." (Water way to go!) Police grilled witnesses -- and then the assault weapon. Fancy a ride on Steven Tyler's lips? Dream on. But thanks to the geniuses at Disney World, you will soon be able to climb into a "stretch limo" and get that much closer to the lush-lipped dude who looks like a lady. Disney-MGM Studios' new indoor Rock 'n' Roller Coaster -- "starring Aerosmith" -- begins with an encounter with the resurrected hair metal band and then embarks on a high-speed "limo" tour through the Hollywood night. The ride zips from 0 to 60 mph in 2.8 seconds and brings on almost five Gs at its first loop. (Disney claims space shuttle astronauts experience only three Gs at liftoff.) And if that doesn't make you sick, the specially created Aerosmith soundtrack blasting from 120 speakers on each coaster train surely will. The two-headed pig tale has a happy ending! The purloined pickled piglet was returned to its
rightful owners at a nature center in Poynette, Wis., on Monday after a three-week drama ended when it
was discovered -- less half its formaldehyde preservative and looking less than kosher -- on a local
walking trail. "It was somewhat shriveled," noted nature center director Derek Duane after
welcoming his porcine prize home, "but we rehydrated it in an ethyl-alcohol solution." Both the piggy's
heads were intact, however, so you know it couldn't have been a deranged disciple of decapitating banana
biter Henry VIII.
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