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What the devil has gotten into Ms. Jones?
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June 30, 1999 | To wit: The teased-haired FOB (that's foe of Bill, in this case) must schlep back into court next week after having been caught in a troublesome little traffic jam. According to the Associated Press, the little lady was pulled over for a burned-out taillight by her old friends the Arkansas state police while she was tooling around an area not too far from Little Rock. But when the trooper ran a check on Paula's California driver's license (she moved back to Arkansas after splitting with her actor hubby, Stephen, in February), he discovered it was suspended because she had failed to appear in court on a misdemeanor charge. He handed over a whopping ticket and a call for the devilish Miss Jones to show up in court. Whoa, Miss Twang. When your brittle benefactor Susan Carpenter McMillan hears about this, you'll be begging for mercy like Bill Clinton at a Promise Keepers rally. - - - - - - - - - - - - Quayle quips quaintly across the political quagmire "Use your wildest imagination and multiple it by a factor of three and then you'd come close to what would be happening to me if I had made similar gaffes.'' -- Dan "You say potato; I say potatoe" Quayle on the whuppin' the press would give him if he'd misspoken like oopsy-daisy GOP frontrunner George W. Bush, who recently called Kosovars "Kosovarians" and mixed up Slovakia and Slovenia. - - - - - - - - - - - - But Bernard Shaw never tongued a boa constrictor "I realized a long time ago that my show wasn't as shocking as CNN. Reality is much more scary." Amy Reiter Amy Reiter's column appears daily on the People site, Monday through Friday.
Got a hot tip? Tell Amy! -- Rock-and-roll Goth-father Alice Cooper, getting deep and real about the welcome-to-my-nightmarish world today - - - - - - - - - - - - Jacko's bridge too far Call him Michael Jackson, man (?) of mystery -- or even the pop star who shagged the media. News sources can't seem to get straight just why the Gloved One-der was rushed to the hospital following a charity concert in Munich on Sunday. Reuters says the delicate dancin' machine was treated for exhaustion after suffering a "circulatory collapse," whatever that is, while the Associated Press and other sources are reporting that the flamboyantly flammable Pop King (who can ever forget his fiery Pepsi ad debacle of 1984?) was treated for minor burns after being singed by a fireworks stunt during the show. But the most Thriller-ing report comes via a British tabloid, which quotes eyewitnesses at the children's benefit concert as saying that Jackson was not only scorched by a wayward firework, but also unceremoniously hurled into the orchestra pit at Munich's Olympic Stadium when the bridge he was standing on collapsed in the massive fireworks mayhem. "We think a cable must have snapped or something," concert organizer Briton Rikki Patrick told the dirt-digging Daily Mail. "It was really frightening. People in the audience were screaming and crying. Security men were running everywhere." According to Patrick, Michael managed to hoist his frail carcass back onto the stage before staggering off and collapsing into a chair, dazed and confused (even more than usual) by the terrifying turn of events. "I could see he was in a lot of pain and bleeding at the back of his head," Patrick said. "He went back on for the 'Earth Song' but just couldn't hold it together and had to leave halfway through. For a time, he didn't seem to know where he was." Tito, I don't think we're in Neverland anymore ... - - - - - - - - - - - - Juicy Bits Something fishy's going on in the workaday world of crime these days. Nothing Personal recently brought you a freshly filleted item about a San Diego man who bludgeoned his girlfriend with a large tuna in a supermarket parking lot. And now that the San Diego police have hooked another fishophilic fighter, they may have to start a whole separate Cod Squad. Fishing boat worker Anthony Scott Tucker may face felony charges after beating a fellow fisherman with a 20-pound tuna on Sunday. Police say the victim suffered several broken vertebrae and a concussion. And I don't imagine the fish fared much better ... Tune in, turn on, drop a dime on your friends? Too bad bleary Timothy Leary ain't around to say it ain't so, because according to FBI files up for view on The Smoking Gun, it sure looks like the de-Leary-ous counterculture guru sang a not-so-sweet song to the feds about folks who helped him escape prison once -- in order to claim a coveted get-out-of-jail-free card to get out again. "I want to get out of prison as quickly as I can," Leary told investigators in 1974. "And I believe that telling the total truth is the best way to get out of prison." It's also the best way to muck up your legacy, Tim-o -- just ask Elia Kazan.
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