To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > People August 3, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/people/col/reit/1999/08/03/batman Superhero too sexy for his tights! Kapow! Schwing! Boy Wonder was busting out all over; Goldie Hawn sheds mental debris in small room; Brazilian star insures her caboose. Plus: Report warns of heavy snowfall on Dr. Laura's shoulders! - - - - - - - - - - - - By Amy Reiter Holy gonads, Batman! Is that Batgirl in your tights or are you just happy to be here? Burt Ward, who played the Caped Crusader's trusty sidekick, Robin, on the classic '60s TV show, has ripped the mask of secrecy off the randy goings-on backstage at the Batcave. Turns out the Batphone wasn't the only insistently throbbing red thing on the show's action-packed set. The "volume of conquests" under Batman star Adam West's cape were simply staggering, Ward recently told E!, even by sexy '60s standards. "There were times when I'd go behind one of the scrims and there would be Adam, and I'd look down and there was some beautiful young lady on her knees," he recalled. (And you thought Spidey was the swinger.) What's more, Ward waxed, the Boy Wonder moniker may have been all too accurate. To appease the network censors, who, he said, "felt the Boy Wonder bulged too much out of his tights," Ward had to double up on undies and strap down his own ample Batappendage. Right, little Robin. Bet that's what all the superheroes say. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Goldie on the go. My om my! "If I have time in the morning, I'll meditate then, or if I have time, I'll do it in the evening. Or I'll literally excuse myself and sit on the toilet somewhere and clear my mind. Pulling the energy in and getting the rest out, the debris, is very important." -- Goldie "Still kooky after all these years" Hawn on meditation (public enema No. 1?) and shedding (mental) debris on the nearest terlet. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Syria's serious Don Rickles Say what you want about Syrian Defense Minister Mustafa Tlass, the man sure knows how to toss off an insult. In a speech criticizing Yasser Arafat for failing to maintain Palestinian rights over Jerusalem, Tlass called the Palestinian leader the "son of 60,000 whores" and compared him to a stripper. "Look at him when he is on the stage," tisked Tlass in a speech marking Syrian and Lebanese army day Monday, "he moves from concession to concession, like a striptease artiste, except that the artiste becomes more beautiful with every layer she removes, while Arafat becomes uglier and uglier." Yeah, well, Mr. Minister of Offense, your mother wears Israeli combat boots. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Short people, is forgiveness in your hearts? "Stop the violence or something. Uh, save all the squirrels. No, it's 'Love me, love me, love me.'" -- Randy Newman channeling Sally Field, summing up the message he's trying to send the world via his music. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Juicy bits It's too late for Pamela Anderson Lee to collect on the loss of her prize assets, but Brazil's leading sex symbol, Susana Alves, is making sure the same won't soon be said of her. The 20-year-old Playboy model and S&M-inspired TV star has agreed to appear on a billboard in exchange for a $2 million insurance policy on her famous knees, ankles and buttocks. Uh, does that include the effects of gravity and natural disaster? One for the wacky relative files: The Daily Telegraph crossword editor had to be called in to decipher the will of Anetta Duel. The wily 99-year-old British woman, who died in May, left her final wishes written in anagrams, jotted in the Telegraph's puzzle section. "I leave all my money and possessions to [my nephew] Len and I hope he will be happy as long as he lives," Duel wrote. "God bless you, Aunty Nettie. Goodbye." That's one way to leave 'em laughing. Another reason not to take advice from Dr. Laura Schlessinger: She's shown some pretty poor judgment in the boyfriend department. The radio talk show host's former beau, Bill Ballance -- the very same kind, considerate fellow who snapped the nudie pics that have come back to haunt her -- has divulged bizarre bits of personal info about the radio doc to her unauthorized biographer. Dr. Laura, blabs Ballance, has a chronic dandruff problem, about which she is tremendously embarrassed. Ballance claims that the on-air advice peddler was so mean to him during their relationship (she may be her son's mom, but she was her boyfriend's worst nightmare), he once told her while dining in a snazzy restaurant that a whole cloud of her head flakage had floated into his soup. "It was cruel and unusual punishment," he says, "but, I thought, well-deserved." Delightful. Now let's all go take on the day, shall we? salon.com | August 3, 1999