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Camilla to Charles: "Oh, behave!"
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August 6, 1999 |
Friends of Camilla have told British tabloids that the horsey best gal of England's next king sees the trip as "another significant step in winning acceptance for her relationship with Charles." But Charles' mom, the queen, is reported to have pointedly requested that the advanced amorati be very, very discreet. (No topless romps or sucking of toes on the beach, please, no matter what that AARP magazine recommends. And may I suggest leaving the cell phones behind.) Now quit all that giggling about the Queen Mum, who celebrated the big 99 this week. She's clearly not who the Modern Maturity editors had in mind when they said widows are getting more action than you'd think. And no, the kindly old gal did not make the magazine's "50 Sexiest Over 50" list. Though if she were to lose the dowdy old hat and glove look, I think she'd have a good chance at next year's "100 Sexiest Over 100," considering the sparse competition. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Pee Wee's displeasure "Jeffrey Dahmer's story broke the same time as my story, and for a week I was leading the news, followed by Dahmer eating people, boring holes into their heads and turning them into zombies. It was just so bizarre." -- Paul "Pee-wee no more" Reubens on his scandalous 1991 indecent exposure bust. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Wanted: Red-handed penis pincher Amy Reiter Amy Reiter's column appears daily on the People site, Monday through Friday.
Got a hot tip? Tell Amy! John Wayne Bobbitt clearly has much better taste in publicity-stirring managers than he does in knife-wielding wives. A champion extender of his allotted 15 minutes, the pieced-together ex-porn star and would-be comedian (and author and actor and radio personality) has sent word to the media via his trusty manager, Robert Yates, that his penis is again missing. This time, however, the miraculous member is a little larger: a 6-foot-tall, $1,000 penis costume that Bobbitt planned to wear during an upcoming comedy show. The giant schlong getup was swiped from the back seat of Bobbitt's car. If you see any massive one-eyed monster running around town, you might contact Yates (716-297-9006), or you might not bother, as no reward will be given. "I didn't pay to get the last one back -- and that was used," said Bobbitt. Well, guess Lorena thought he was funny. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This year's model: Me "I play myself in 'Austin Powers.' I starred in '200 Cigarettes' -- where I played myself. Then I star in a French film called 'Unleaded.' And guess who I play. I'm being typecast as myself. Will someone please cast me as an axe murderer?" -- Elvis Costello on his desire to broaden his acting repertoire. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Juicy bits All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Robin Hood's old hetero rep back together again. Scant weeks after a British academic outed the Prince of Thieves, now believed to have made merry with his merrie men and not with Maid Marian, another Hood-o-phile has emerged with a surprising new spin on the mysterious man in tights. Author Barbara Green (yes, Green), president of the Yorkshire Robin Hood Society, claims to have new research suggesting that the randy rascal was the lover of King Edward II. "I have my own theories about Robin's gay links," she said. Well, we always knew rockin' Robin was handy with his arrow. The end of a classic Vlassic is finally at hand. The long pickled and endlessly gaped-over remains of Bolshevik leader Vladimir Lenin will finally be removed from public view and buried, the Kremlin announced this week. "It's just a question of when," said equally pickled Russian Prez Boris Yeltsin. Of course, they could just put a wick in the waxy communist corpse and light up all of Red Square for days. "Austin, that's my mother." Accusations that veteran athlete Kathy Jager, a mother of two from Phoenix, is a guy in drag have turned out to be false and unkind. "I'm all woman," the super-strong sprinter, who set a series of new world records this week at the World Association of Veteran Athletes' Games, declared after undergoing a series of "nightmare" tests to prove it. (Her husband, Carl, backs her up.) "I know I might appear to be a different shape to your average woman," she said, "but that comes from the physical work we do and growing up on a farm. It's hard to think of a greater insult than to be called a man." I suppose Robin Hood might agree.
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