To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > People Dec. 23, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/people/col/reit/1999/12/23/np1223 Keith Richards: Like a thief in the night? Evil Glimmer Twin makes off with fan's guitar; health poll: better to resemble Tina Turner than Calista Flockhart -- Doh! Plus: Joe Frazier's daughter to Muhammad Ali's daughter: Boom! boom! Out go the lights. - - - - - - - - - - - - By Amy Reiter You can't always get what you want. But if you try some time, you just might find you can make off with your fan's Fender Telecaster guitar. Or at least, that's what Keith Richards found in New York Friday night when he snatched a guitar he'd been handed to autograph, jumped into his waiting limo and, the fan told the New York Daily News, "tore down W. 56th Street." The fan said he ran after the Rolling Stone, whose getaway car was clearly gathering no moss, and caught up with him at a red light. "I ... knocked on the window and yelled, 'Please give me my guitar back!' Keith was laughing. The driver told me to go f--- myself and buy a new guitar, and drove off again." Richards' publicist explained that his client may have assumed the fan was a dealer looking to sell the signed guitar for big bucks. But, as Amusement Business magazine has just reported that the Rolling Stones are the highest-earning rock band in history, you'd think Richards would have had some sympathy for the enterprising little devil. - - - - - - - - - - - - Tonight he's gonna party like it's 1985 "I woke up Monday morning, and it was like 1985. I had to look in the mirror to make sure I still had wrinkles." -- Michael J. Fox, '80s icon, on his renewed popularity (thanks to "Stuart Little" and "Spin City") after all these years, in USA Today. - - - - - - - - - - - - Oh, Renee! Calista Flockhart's been down this road before. But that might not stop the sting. The twiggy "Ally McBeal" star has been voted as having the body health-minded women would least like to have. Voters in the online poll conducted by Health magazine said they'd rather look like model/athlete Gabrielle Reece, Tina Turner or Kate Winslet than the world's slenderest lawyer. Yet Flockhart apparently has a little company in the petites section of Health readers' hearts. "The Practice" star Lara Flynn Boyle, they determined, "needs another trip to the buffet." And I don't think they mean the salad bar. - - - - - - - - - - - - Juicy bits Matt must be groaning now. The Chicago Sun-Times has announced it will stop running "The Simpsons" comic strip, based on the TV show, because it is "tasteless and excessively violent." The axe apparently fell on Bart and company after several readers complained about a recent "It's a Wonderful Life" takeoff in which Itchy the mouse is disemboweled and Scratchy the cat is impaled by a Christmas tree. "This is gross beyond what you'd expect to see in a family newspaper," Editor in Chief Nigel Wade told the press. Doh! Speaking of tasteless and excessively violent, Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker is going for an offensiveness grand slam. In this week's Sports Illustrated, the famous foe of the New York Mets bashes single moms, gays and New York's international population in one fell swoop. "Imagine having to take the 7 train to [Shea Stadium] looking like you're [in] Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids," he says. "It's depressing." But what he finds most distasteful about New York, he says, "are the foreigners." To borrow a line, this guy is gross beyond what you'd expect to see in a family game. Daughters are doin' it for themselves. Former heavyweight champ Joe Frazier's daughter, Jacqui Frazier Lyde, has taken up boxing and says she wants to mix it up in the ring with Muhammad Ali's daughter, Laila. Lyde told the New York Post she thought a female Frazier/Ali match-up would be a "great draw. It would establish Laila financially, and then I would establish her horizontally." When they were queens? salon.com | Dec. 23, 1999