To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > People March 3, 2000 URL: http://www.salon.com/people/col/reit/2000/03/03/npfri What a fionasco It's her concert and she'll cry if she wants to: Fiona Apple melts down. Plus: Yoko Ono goes ga-ga over baby Lennon. And: Howard Stern has decisions to make. - - - - - - - - - - - - By Amy Reiter No one ever said Fiona Apple isn't moody, but her major onstage meltdown before a full house at Roseland Ballroom in New York really takes the cake. According to various newspaper reports, the Tuesday night concert lasted a scant 45 minutes -- less time than it takes to say the title of Apple's latest album: "When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and if You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and if You Fall It Won't Matter, 'Cuz You'll Know That You're Right." In any case, the 3,200 concertgoers who'd shelled out $27.50 to hear Apple sing were treated instead to a whiny rant about poor sound quality, her band, rock critics and even members of the audience. "You know, I just wanted to do real well in New York ... But f---! I can't hear myself!" she complained, according to the New York Post. Then she began to sob inconsolably before she turned on the music critics she spotted scrambling to take down the details of her fit: "F--- you!" she screamed. "Put your notebooks away!" Even her own band couldn't rescue her. Apple stopped them cold in the middle of the song "Carrion." "This song is dead!" she cried, unable to ... well ... carry on. "Just stop it! This is a nightmare!" Muttering something about a five-minute break, Apple apparently left the stage. Twenty minutes later, a spokesman told startled fans the show was over. So, clearly, that song "Sullen Girl" is autobiographical ... - - - - - - - - - - - - Will they go down in a hail of bullets? "When the Sundance Kid says, 'Hey, I'm not firing my gun anymore,' what does Butch do?" -- Judd Nelson waxing cinematic about Kathie Lee ditching Regis in USA Today. - - - - - - - - - - - - All you need is love Yoko Ono has a new best friend: Oasis front man Liam Gallagher. The two celebs have apparently been cozying up to each other since Gallagher and his wife, Patsy Kensit, named their baby after John Lennon last September. "She sent us this card about a week after he was born," Gallagher, whose son is named Lennon Francis Gallagher, told Britain's Uncut magazine. "It's got 'To Lennon, welcome to the world, love, love, love Yoko 99.' So I was freaked." After a big box of baby clothes arrived from Ono, Gallagher (who says he felt silly writing "Dear Yoko") called her up to thank her -- and a friendship was born. Little Lennon's even scheduled to pay his namesake's widow a visit sometime soon. "I'm not one of them who goes, 'Oh she split the Beatles.' They split themselves up, you know what I mean?" Gallagher said. "She seemed dead nice on the phone and, like, listen, I love him, I've got respect for him ... if he was into her, then they're both the same person, I reckon." Imagine all the rock stars, living life in peace ... - - - - - - - - - - - - Someone's talking some shit "People on the Hill don't know s--- about s---. I worked on the Hill for 10 years; their jobs suck, so they spend their time talking about this s--- instead of trying to help the country." -- Bill Bradley spokesman Eric Hauser on Capitol Hill speculation that Bradley's fixing to drop out of the race, in Roll Call. - - - - - - - - - - - - Juicy bits That Garth Brooks is continuously striking out as he trains with the New York Mets is not surprising. But his .000 batting average at this year's Academy of Country Music nominations, announced Wednesday, is a 10-gallon shocker. The theory is that, although Brooks snagged entertainer of the year and artist of the decade awards last year, his "In the Life of Chris Gaines" pop/rock experiment was just too wacky for the academy. Oh, fickle, fickle fame ... Is Howard Stern pulling a Kathie Lee? The King of All Media says he might relinquish control of the domain that started it all -- radio. Earlier this week, Stern told the New York Post that, while he's still "absolutely turned on by radio," he isn't sure if he'd renew his contract for his syndicated show. "I have decisions to make -- whether or not I want to sign up again for another couple of years," he said. B-b-but ... what will become of Stuttering John? Maybe that Jon Favreau cameo on "The Sopranos" wasn't so fictional after all. Favreau and his "Swingers" co-star Vince Vaughn are set to play a pair of boxers who get swept up in a Mob money laundering scheme in the upcoming flick "Made," which Favreau will direct. And who will head up the Mafia? No, not Tony Soprano ... or Uncle Junior. Alleged gunslinger Sean "Puffy" Combs. Poor Puff Daddy -- every time he tries to get out, they pull him back in. salon.com | March 3, 2000   - - - - - - - - - - - - About the writer Amy Reiter is a staff writer for Salon People. For more columns by Amy Reiter, visit her column archive.