In the new issue of high-gloss British cheese-mag Arena, Drea De Matteo, who plays Christopher's girlfriend, Adriana, on "The Sopranos," takes it all off for photographer David La Chapelle.

But revealing though her string of nude 'n' tarty poses may be (check out the tasteful AC/DC tattoo over her crotch), they're not nearly as telling as what the actress has to say. (She's got big balls, she boasts -- her late dog's testicles, which she keeps in a jar.) I'm "just a nasty, nasty little fuck," she shares.

And her bark is at least as bad as her bite.

To wit: That tattoo (not to mention the pickled puppy privates) is way more than just a heartfelt tribute to the band who brought the world "Back in Black." De Matteo sheds a little light: "I love men, and they're who I go out with," she explains, "but every now and then ... Well, I can't say I've never been with a woman."

The ladies she lusts for? "Those really weird German ones ... Those broads are all tattooed and probably junkies, but they're the ones that look good to me -- not the blonds with the nose jobs and big tits. I like sleaze."

Clearly.

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Immaterial Girl

"We are not that flash, me or the missus. In fact, we are quite low maintenance."

-- British director Guy Ritchie on how he and Madonna are just regular folks.

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Never a bride ...

Dig up the receipt. That toaster's going back after all.

Michael Douglas says there's "not an ounce of truth" to the rumor that he and his intended, Catherine Zeta-Jones, were planning to wed at a Santa Barbara, Calif., resort on Sept. 30.

"They are not getting married on the 30th. They are not getting married at this place," said Douglas' rep, responding to the report in the U.K. Sun. "They do not even know where it is."

Guess Zeta-Jones hasn't lost enough of that pregnancy poundage yet.

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Black spiders need not apply

"Tobey Maguire, he'll be fine. Small actually works on-screen sometimes. He'll put on a suit and there will be muscles. But I could have been a really, really, excellent Spider-Man. I would have been a GREAT Peter Parker, man. But I can NEVER be Peter Parker because I'm a black man."

-- Chris Rock on the dashing of his Spidey dreams.

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Juicy bits

Forget those reconciliation rumors. It looks as if Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid really are going their separate ways. According to the London Daily Express, the actress has responded to her estranged husband's divorce petition with a petition of her own, citing "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for the split. Quaid and Ryan were recently spotted taking their 8-year-old son, Jake, to see "Nutty Professor II: The Klumps," but will the couple that plays together stay together? Fat chance.

What will Frank say? Kathie Lee Gifford's making like Cher and Madonna and dropping her last name. Her new album, "Heart of a Woman," due out Oct. 24, will be released under the name "Kathie Lee." Well, that just changes everything, doesn't it?