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The bald facts
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Nov. 22, 1999 |
During the Clinton impeachment hearings, Jeff Greenfield wrote a whimsical column directed at Kenneth Starr. He suggested that the appropriate thing to do with some of the congressmen on the panel was to make wise-ass remarks about their toupees. A few weeks ago, on "Hannity and Combs," one of the panelists -- who, if memory serves, was a guest from the right-wing pool -- got off a parting shot about how bad he thought his left-wing opponent's toupee was. Even Hannity was embarrassed. This got me thinking: Should wearing a hairpiece in public make someone fair game? Does the public deserve to know about folicular fraud? Should television commentators like Sam Donaldson be compelled to voice what every viewer in America is thinking i.e.: "How do you expect us to take you seriously when you're wearing that God-awful rug?" Before you conclude that this would be crass, hear me out: If a congressman cannot be honest about what is happening on his very own roof, then how can we trust him to be honest about Medicare or Social Security? Also, how can we trust a person who clearly lacks the kind of friends or advisors who'd dare tell him the truth? ("George -- the rug sucks.") Do we want people who are so out of touch running the country? I left my 30s behind long ago, and sadly, I now find myself doing the same thing with my hair that I used to laugh at. I've become pretty adept at it -- shower, blow dry, fluff up and over it goes. So I'm sort of an expert. I've become quite good at spotting the various hairpieces, weaves, transplants and dye jobs that are inflicted upon us on a daily basis over the years. Let's begin with our president. Some days it looks like he's pulling a Bob Barker on "The Price is Right" by allowing it to go white. Most of the time, though, he looks like he's gotten into grandma's blue hair rinse. My suspicion is that he's trying to make the transition gradually and avoid the mistake Hubert Humphrey made in '68 when he was running for president (in January his hair was white; in August, it was black). But Clinton has been president for almost seven years. How gradual can you get? Now to Congress. Availing myself of pictures I found on the Internet, I conducted my own survey of all the toupees, transplants, weaves and hair pieces in the United States Senate. Out of our current 99 senators, I found 97, and took away for statistical purposes the nine women (to whom we'll return when we revisit the dye issue) as well as Ben Nighthorse Campbell (who enjoys a hair surplus). That left me with a base of 87, from which I've concluded that there are two transplants, eight hairpieces and the possibility of 12 additional variations on hair augmentation or enhancement in the Senate. Sens. Joseph Biden, D-Del., and Strom Thurmond, R-S.C., are the transplant leaders. Thurmond, who was born in 1902, is at 97, probably entitled to all the plugs and brown hair and cosmetic surgery his heart desires. Just keep him away from foreign policy. William Roth, R-Del., has what must be the most egregious wig in the Senate, but you have to give him credit for at least going with gray, in keeping with his 78 years. Sen. Bob Smith, R-N.H., with his rugged movie star looks (well, he kind of looks like Wallace Beery), has the second worst toupee; although Sen. Daniel Akaka, D-Hawaii, looks like his is the one that covers the most territory.
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