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The bald facts | page 1, 2
Trent Lott came up as a questionable. (On this one issue, he received my wife Johanna's vote for the very first time, but I have my doubts.) Even if whatever's on his head is neither a weave nor a hairpiece, a fair and impartial assessment of his head would lead most to conclude that Lott's barber is trying to exact some weird kind of revenge -- and succeeding admirably. How has this singular fact, this explosion of artifice, gone unnoticed on Sunday after Sunday of punditry? Does Sam Donaldson carry that much weight? Shouldn't our media watchdogs at least notice that, at this critical stage of our history, one out of every six or seven senators is a member of the Hair Club for Men? Unfortunately, I didn't have the time to analyze all 435 members of U.S. House, but I thought I'd mention that John Mica, R-Fla., who's been on C-Span around the clock for the past several weeks, is pretty close to the top of my ugly list. Like I said before, my own hair experiments have made me an expert in recognizing the hair deceptions of others. For example, after dyeing my hair, blow-drying it and sweeping it across my pate, I notice a "half-eyebrow" effect caused by wayward dye. What happens is that the dye rolls off the dome and comes to rest at the peak of each eyebrow, which is then darkened. Thus, the half-eyebrow effect -- which I've spotted on Warren Beatty, Larry King, former President George Bush and Bill Bradley. By my rough count, 38 senators, including women, dye their hair. I can't tell you the ADA ratings and the Chamber of Commerce ratings of the ones who have changed colors, or the ones who are wearing rugs or have had weaves, for that matter. But wouldn't it be exciting to see an in-depth article on this burning issue? Spice it up with before and after shots, like they do on makeover shows. Timely? A few weeks ago, Charlton Heston made yet another appearance before congress as president of the NRA to argue -- with his resonant voice and terrible toupee -- that handguns are harmless. That same day, George W. Bush came up short when asked to name the leaders of Chechnya, Pakistan, India and Taiwan. While the jury is still out on whether he was ambushed, what really caught my eye was the God-awful wig on the reporter who asked him the questions. Will no one address this national epidemic? Better still: If Naomi Wolf was getting $15,000 a month to tell Al Gore how to dress, shouldn't every serious candidate get someone to tell him the truth about his hair? I'm available. I'll be out walking upon the beach. I have heard the mermaids talking, each to each. I do not think that they will talk to me.
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