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Well, hell, why not! "Eddie Faskell's Pickup Libline" spam offers "proven methods" on how to meet "bad party girls" -- and it's only $2.99 per minute!

With 50 bucks to blow on bad party girl meeting insights, I decide to call the 900 number. I'm soon treated to a recorded message from the self-described "Faskell the Lifeguard." (I'm not sure what's meant by his title, but no explanation is offered, so I don't dwell.) What the patron saint of booty does offer is a menu of five reports designed to educate and enlighten:

They are:

1) How to make beautiful women from all around the world become interested in you from right here at your computer for free!

2) How to approach the "baddest party girls" using this "bad boy" approach!

3) How to meet professional dancers and make a date almost instantly! (For beginners and advanced mac daddies.)

4) How to meet professional dancers and leave the bar with them! (For the advanced macker only.)

5) How to introduce yourself to college girls without leaving your home!

After some deliberation and a bit of soul-searching, I select No. 2.

The first thought that comes into my mind: "Bad party girls" have really big hair. Before the recording has even begun, I begin to regret my choice.

Faskell sounds like a complete dick -- a cross between a JV football coach and a guy who laughs uproariously while watching "Shasta McNasty." Clearly, he's got issues. Regardless, I hold the phone firmly to my ear.

"OK fellas," he says, "now it's a very harsh fact of life that some people, and in particular many beautiful women, just can't handle being treated nicely.

"With some of these beauties, especially the young ones, your only hope is to knock them off balance by bruising their ego, playing something of a tough guy, even being downright crude."

I can already tell this is not going to come naturally, so I pull out a pen and furiously start jotting notes. Faskell suggests that I "pick out a woman with a snotty look on her face, with her boobs or butt hanging out. Then walk up to her and say, 'Excuse me I just had to meet the person who'd go out in public dressed like that!'"

The Lifeguard claims this approach works wonders for him. There's no need to be mean, he says, simply to use your "rap and mental attitude" to get right to her head. "These women are so used to getting their butts kissed ... it gets their attention!"

If the bad party girl of your dreams happens to be wearing ripped jeans, Faskell recommends the following line: "I'd like to stick a needle through my tongue and sew those jeans up nice and slow." The bad party girl response? "My place, now!"

"So we left! True! True! True!" he says.

Under no circumstances should you compliment a bad party girl. The key to the bad boy approach is knock her off guard and turn the tables so she becomes the one eager to prove that she's worthy of you. True! True! True!

"Putting her on the defensive without directly insulting her is key. The way to do this is to ask her opinion of something heavy in philosophy, religion, current events or politics. Ask a woman what she thinks on the Marxist theory of surplus labor. No matter what her response is," he says, "shake your head and go 'hmmm,' then immediately drop it." She'll love that. True! True! True!

Faskell ends his report with a cheerful, "Don't take any shit, fellas!" and that's the end of my 50 bucks.

Next page | So after downing a few bottles of courage ...