I notice it immediately: The Chipmunks have changed. Alvin's youthful confidence has developed into something more ... Type A. His eyes, like those of an attack hound, seem to say "I suspect you." Still, his glibness is a relief from Simon's mannered abstractions. Only Theodore remains an enigma. Quietly shaping napkin animals, he speaks just once during the interview, to ask after Dave Seville, former adoptive parent and Chipmunk agent.

"Where is Dave?" he asks.

Yes. Where is Dave, indeed.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

First off, I want you to know that I loved your cover of "Queen of Hearts." It was fast.

Simon: Thanks. We like to think of our songs as interpretations.

Interpretations. I like that. You know, I used to make my own interpretations by holding down fast-forward.

[An awkward silence follows. Simon closes his eyes, and appears to count backward from 10.]

Anyway, on Sept. 11, your creators at Bagdasarian Productions filed a $100 million lawsuit against Universal Studios for failing to adopt "the Chipmunks into the Universal family and [build] them a nurturing home in its motion picture, television, merchandising, video, theme parks and new media divisions."

Alvin, you're a straight shooter. What's all this about?

Alvin: Take the double standard on park costumes. Bugs Bunny suits are washed and mended weekly. Chipmunk suits are simply fumigated and deloused on an as-needed basis. Bugs Bunny suits are assigned to actors, students and former gymnasts. The Chipmunk suits go to whoever's left -- thieves, hookers and hobos.

Well, Alvin, I hardly think ...

Alvin: Does Alvin smoke Silk Cuts? He does not. Does he smell of burritos? I doubt it.

I see how you might feel neglected, but I don't see how a fry cook in a Chipmunk suit is really going to hurt the bottom line.

Alvin: Let's go back to your homemade Chipmunk tapes. It's interesting: Many children have confessed to doing the same. I say "confess" -- we find it flattering.

Simon: Actually, we believe it bespeaks a need that's being systematically ignored by our representatives at Universal.

Interesting, Simon -- but much too complicated for our readers. Alvin, could you translate?

Alvin: Let's say I'm a child of above-average intelligence and creativity. If I can't get my hands on new Chipmunk music, I'm going to get to thinking: "Huh" -- and now I'm pretending to be the child -- "if I hold down these buttons on my parents' fancy cassette player, I can approximate the Chipmunk sound. If a new 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' CD were available to me, I would buy it. As it stands, I am going to destroy my parents' property, and potentially damage my fingers holding down these buttons."

Theodore: [Looking up from an origami swan] Where is Dave?

Simon: Dave is gone.

Theodore: When's he coming back?

Simon: He isn't. Eat your pudding.

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