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Tony: Portrait of a cereal killer
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August 19, 1999 |
Beginning with A for Azusa, a tile-roofed hellhole in Southern California's San Gabriel Valley, we have yet another dreary entry for our bloated- Speaking of high times and, uh, whatever, on Sunday the Times of London reported that "The high church may be getting higher." The Most Rev. Richard Holloway, the 65-year-old Bishop of Edinburgh, Primus of the Scottish Episcopal Church, recently announced that he has "tried hash" and thinks it should be legalized along with heroin (which he has not tried). Unfortunately, the good bishop found hashish "a bit disappointing," an issue he may wish to take up with the Big Kahuna, whom he serves. "I don't know what Holloway's been smoking," the Archbishop of Canterbury might have said. But what he actually said was "We support the law on this matter." However, while Holloway is getting no support for his views from religious colleagues, the ever-enthralling Prince of Wales last year asked a multiple sclerosis sufferer if she'd ever smoked dope. "I hear it's the best thing for it," the helpful royal clucked. Meanwhile, reports coming out of Edinburgh that a gently-smiling, glassy-eyed bishop has been buying Oreo cookies and Cadbury chocolates by the caseload are unconfirmed. Coincidentally, halfway around the world, but under the same cloud of smoke, The National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws launched an advertising campaign on Monday in San Francisco, with 30 billboards that ask pot smokers to "Honk If You Inhale." (Keep your hands on the wheel, Mr. President.) Keith Stroup, NORML's executive director, says that "12 million adult Americans smoke pot regularly in their homes and still hold down demanding jobs, raise families and lead productive lives." Of course the weed should be legalized, but is there any way to protect friends and family from the profoundly dull, tedious "conversations" that vipers insist on dragging us into when they're stoned? I for one would be perfectly delighted if I never again had to be queried by a red-eyed toontowner on my beliefs regarding reincarnation, intergalactic transmigration, assorted backward song lyrics, whether or not Andy Gibb was a true avatar, if I think Jell-O is funny, if I ever hear dust particles colliding, and so on. Well, OK, Jell-O is funny. Very funny. Then there are the mondo-dopes who should never, ever smoke grass. Take a certain Mexican national from Zacatecas who arrived at the International Airport in Oakland, Calif., carrying faked U.S. documents. Fair enough, we honor ambition in this country. But pea-brains will not be welcomed. The good folks at U.S. Customs and Naturalization quickly discovered that our eager friend had made one itty-bitty, Chihuahua-sized mistake when counterfeiting his papers: The identity he was using was that of a wanted fugitive. "It seems like kind of a loser thing to do," a Customs Service official said. Arf. But cheer up, losers, the week had its high points. Son of Sam killer David Berkowitz, 46, was Larry King's guest on Monday night. During the interview, Berkowitz, who earned his nickname by saying that a dog of a neighbor named Sam told him to kill, said, "I have nothing against [Spike] Lee, and I never said anything bad about him." The director of "Summer of Sam" recently said that when Berkowitz mentioned Lee's wife and family in a New York Times article, he interpreted the murderer's comment as a veiled threat. "I'm not living in the past anymore," the chipper serial killer chirped. That's the kind of proactive outlook we like to see. In other potential cereal killer news, last Saturday the Smith cousins, who share an apartment in Bessemer City, N.C., turned to an assault rifle and a kitchen knife for aid in settling a dispute over a box of Frosted Flakes. Alfred Smith claimed his cousin, Tony Smith, hogged all the flakes and also put away the last drop of milk. Being a reasonable sort, he picked up a large knife. Tony went upstairs and returned with the SKS assault rifle. Miraculously, Tweedledee and Tweedledum managed to come away with only minor injuries. (Alfred caught a ricocheting bullet in his elbow.) Tony, charged with assault with a deadly weapon, is free on $25,000 bond. Still another happy family story comes to us from Hong Kong. The South China Post reports that an 18-year-old waitress, Au Wing-sze, will marry her boyfriend Tang Kwok-wai, 27. The couple has apparently put their differences behind them and are looking forward to getting married when Tang gets out of jail, where he'll be serving time for attempted murder after his Sept. 6 sentencing. The attempted murder in question came about when Tang, stoned on the drug "ice" at the time, tossed Au from an 18th-story balcony and stepped on her fingers as she clutched the railing to keep herself from plummeting to the ground. The young woman was saved by a downstairs neighbor, who grabbed her legs and pulled her to safety, said the Post. Au, displaying an uncanny ability to overlook her future husband's shortcomings, says she's "very much in love" with Tang. "If anything," Tang's lawyer said, "it has only strengthened her relationship with him." Finally, didja ever feel like everybody's talking baby talk? APBNews reveals that a yahoo named Abdullah Yuzon robbed the New Britain, Pa., Wawa grocery in 15 seconds flat. That's fine as far as it goes, Ab, but sometimes it's important to slow down so we don't sacrifice quality for speed. In Yuzon's case, whatever praise we might lavish on him for the efficiency and painlessness of his undertaking (no one was hurt; he got away with $300), is, I'm afraid, somewhat diluted when we learn that in his haste he left behind his wallet on the store's floor. The wallet contained Yuzon's identity card, his birth certificate and various other personal items, which enabled the police to find him -- relaxing at home -- almost as quickly as he'd wobbed the Wawa.
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