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A few nights ago in Club Class on American Airlines transatlantic flight AA110, things went down (if you'll pardon the phrase) like this: Amanda Holt, 37, and David Machin, 40, who are both married and who had never met before boarding the aircraft, allegedly, the Times of London reported, "cuddled under an airline blanket after consuming free alcohol ... then Mrs. Holt reportedly removed her outer clothes and performed a sex act [on Machin], despite a warning from airline staff."

"Madame!" the flight attendant presumably implored, "please return to the upright position."

Later, grim reality set in. The two revelers -- significantly sobered -- were arrested at Manchester airport and both Holt and Machin are in danger of losing their jobs; she's a sales manager with the phone firm Nortel, he's an, ahem, "group logistics manager" with Hallmark cards. And we can assume their spouses are maybe not real happy with them either. As for the embarrassment quotient -- you can't count that high. Indeed, after sobering up, Holt allowed that the event had caused "a great deal of distress" to her and her family. Wot a surprize! Machin's apparently come to his senses and is not talking to the press.

However, the party's only just begun for the British papers (paparazzi alert: The non couple is due in court on Nov. 1). The Scottish Daily Record could barely restrain its glee in telling the tale. "A stunned witness" recalled that "nothing could stop them. It would have taken a bucket of cold water. They were determined to continue until passions were spent. And they did."

A spokesman for Hallmark, invoking the gift for lyrical phrasing that has made the greeting card company a household name, said, "As a company we would not tolerate any behavior by staff that causes distress to other passengers or the crew of an airplane." Hear, hear.

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Disturbing new crime trend: Taco theft

Assaulting your fellow man is a rude, hostile act. Urinating in a parking lot is inelegant, to say nothing of aesthetically questionable -- especially if you're a wealthy sports figure. But to forcibly take another man's tacos is simply depraved. Nonetheless, very early on Monday morning, Sept. 27, San Diego Chargers defensive end Chris Mims allegedly did all of the above for reasons not entirely clear.

The 300-pound Mims may have been distraught -- the taco unpleasantness is said to have occurred just 10 hours after the Chargers lost their opening home game to Indianapolis. If so, frankly, there are better ways to cope with despair. But first, the facts. According to an AP report, San Diego police are investigating the claims of a 23-year-old man who says that Mims "shoved his face into a wall, stole his tacos and struck him twice with a belt."

As much as I don't condone Mim's alleged violence, I can understand it. Professional athletes can be high strung and hot-headed, and perhaps take their failures on the field a little too much to heart. But my God, Mims! If this poor bloke's claim is true, couldn't you have simply left him with a sound thrashing? Have you no decency? You don't take a man's tacos!

Consider the situation from the victim's perspective: In the wee hours, craving a bit of meat, melted cheese and shredded lettuce swaddled in a folded discus of corn meal, our hapless friend ventured out into the darkness -– a moon and stars his only guides -- in search of a purveyor of tacos. Once he found the cathedral of comestibles, a feeling of relief and the pleasant sensation of imminent satisfaction no doubt washed over him like a tropical wave. Those few golden moments when happily anticipated food is about to be given to you are some of the best that life has to offer.

Then, the exchange is made: The 23-year-old hands over his hard earned kopecks for exquisitely prepared tacos and exits the eatery. Then, something goes terribly, terribly wrong. Harsh words are exchanged, brutality ensues and the tacos are roughly ripped from the victim's grasp. It's a sad tale, to be sure, and perhaps more common than we know. To his credit, Chargers coach Mike Reilly was all busted up over it: "I'm very disappointed ... we've dealt with Chris behind our doors and we're making every move to get this thing straightened away," he said, while nervously eyeing a fajita. What became of the victim, if victim he was, is not clear. As for the tacos, I think we know what became of those.

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Nanocopter: Finally, a chopper you can inhale

I'm not a lover of weaponry, but the Chinese claim to have developed a war machine that's hard not to like: The little scutter's cute as a bug! In fact, it's the size of a bug, but it's a helicopter. The Guardian newspaper reports that China has recently unveiled a wasp-sized helicopter that will be used for reconnaissance missions. The paper said the petite chopper "weighed 100 milligrams and was powered by an alternating current motor. At 0.12 of an inch wide, 0.2 of an inch tall and 0.7 of an inch long -- and with the ability to take off and land in a space the size of two peanuts -- it is the thought to be the world's smallest aircraft." Seating is reported to be almost as torturous as United's economy class.

Guardian writer Danny Gittings says the Lilliputian copter is "the latest" -- and may I suggest the darlingest -- "step in the campaign to extol Chinese military prowess in its so far unsuccessful effort to frighten Taiwanese President Lee Teng-hui." They want to scare him to keep Taiwan in line. The new Chinese aircraft, Gittings writes, "While small enough to slip under Taiwanese radar, would be hard-pressed to inflict anything more damaging than a mosquito bite and appears to lack the communications equipment needed for serious military reconnaissance." Still, the ever vigilant Taiwanese are reportedly building two new fly-paper factories and distributing aerosol cans of Raid to all military personnel.
salon.com | Oct. 9, 1999

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