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Recently in Salon People

Nothing Personal
Tori: "Get ready, 'cause here I come!"
Spelling says next lover better prepare for a passionate workout; Elsie the Cow: those lips, those eyes; Murdoch barred from his own office; woman battles sexism by donning pork chops. Plus: Check it out, Janet Reno mistaken for grocery clerk!
By Amy Reiter
[07/12/99]

Mark O'Brien: Lifestyles of the blind and paralyzed
From age 6, the writer, poet and subject of the Academy Award-winning "Breathing Lessons" had the use of just one muscle in his right foot, one muscle in his neck and one in his jaw. He used them to steer his monster machine and to bang with a stick on the keys of a computer -- to write, cajole, editorialize, storm, cry, laugh and rage.
By Lorenzo W. Milam
[07/12/99]

Nothing Personal
Faux hooters help save cojones
Robbie Williams makes a boob of himself to save your balls; doomsday cult takes a hike, vaporizes; Kubrick wanted Steve Martin instead of Cruise. Plus: Have they no shame? Sophia Loren in bed, in public, with Mohamed Al Fayed.
By Amy Reiter
[07/09/99]

People Feature
All pets go to heaven
"They laughed," she says. "But later, the same people were sitting in here crying. You don't know how you're going to feel until it happens to you."
By Kathy Dobie
[07/09/99]

Mario Puzo
His saga of a Mafia family is one of the most familiar stories in American culture, and Don Vito Corleone surely keeps company with Huck Finn and Jay Gatsby as one of the most indelible icons of American fiction.
By Albert Mobilio
[07/09/99]

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How did you come up with the idea for these workshops?

I started out teaching sacred sensual dance, and it became clear that what makes dance sacred is the intent of it, but what makes it sensual is the flirting aspect, which is the energy work. This is being able to actually sense the energy between you and someone else and play with it, tease it in a sense. In some of my private sessions, my student and I would often focus entirely on what flirting is. One of my students said, "You really need to be teaching flirting."

How do you define flirting?

I would define flirting as the art of reading the energy of another person and bringing one's full presence, or energy, to that person in a way that matches them or interests them.

What do you mean when you say energy?

We tend to think of energy as this New Age thing that only people who live in Marin might understand. But we all have the experience of it, like if you've ever felt something weird in the back of your neck or your back, turned around and somebody's staring at you. On some level you knew that. Or if you've ever walked into a room and just known that your boss is mad at you even though nothing's happened yet. I like to think that we're electromagnetic systems. We really do transmit our perspiration, our scent, our heat levels, and we transmit a wavelength.

What's something you teach in your workshop that people can do to improve their flirting technique?

There certainly are concrete things you can do, like a warm smile and an open direct gaze, not leering or withdrawn. For women, sometimes a sidelong glance or moving away a little -- either with the eyes or the body -- and then coming forward again builds that energy of enticement, that dance of flirting. For a man, it wouldn't be as effective to do something like that! It's more about having calm, strong presence.

What are some common mistakes men and women make when flirting?

Women can be too shy and have their energy be so low that they're not noticed, or women can be too seductive. They think, I want attention and I want to engage a man in getting to know me, so what I really need to do is be sexy. And what they get is men interested in them sexually, but they don't get men interested in them as a person.

Men, too, can have that small energy, where even if they're attractive, they're not being noticed in the party or in the club. Or their energy can be so powerful or strong that it becomes predatory. Instead of gazing in a friendly manner, they're staring someone down. They make the mistake in thinking nice guys never get the girl -- that's one of the male myths of flirting -- so therefore they have to be really powerful. What women are actually attracted to is the confidence. We see that somebody has walked into the room with his shoulders back, his gaze open, a smile on his face, and we're drawn to that. We don't know that this may be a ploy he uses and that he's really a slimy person.

Conversely, women wonder why guys always go for the bitch. Once again, The woman who comes across to other women as very selfish, as someone who uses men and tosses them aside -- what men see is the confidence. They see someone who's not needy. Her shoulders are back; she looks very confident. They think, this is somebody who is going to be fun to be with. Somebody who's not going to be hard work.

Who attends your workshops? Are they people who have a hard time dating, or married couples wanting to flirt with each other again?

It's the whole range. It's married couples who want to work the energy so there's that spark again between them like there was in the beginning. And we get expert flirts, who are always getting more information, like a doctor or a teacher. Even the experts have their failings. A woman might be very good at attracting attention, or getting an initial conversation going, but she's not good at taking it further than that. Somebody in my workshop talked about flirting so well that she made other women jealous.

What about the person who's not good at reading flirting? A woman starts flirting with a guy, but the guy's just not getting it, not sensing it.

In my experience there are two things you can do with somebody who's not getting it. You can give up, or you can change what you're doing.

Next page | Flirting that comes naturally vs. learned behavior