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Some people are naturally good flirts. But for myself, I started out in junior high wondering why some girls were popular and I wasn't. I literally started to watch what they were doing with their bodies, their eye contact, their conversations. I encourage people to watch people they feel are very successful at flirting, and mentally take notes. I don't flirt very consciously -- I've done it for a long time -- but there were points when I would say, oh I need to look at this person's eyes and smile. In a bar situation -- they've done studies -- unless a woman looks up and holds a guy's eyes and smiles, he will not come over to her.

People don't want to be rejected.

Right. One of the things that I will sometimes do consciously is what's called body parody, or mirroring. You don't want to do it to the point where it's spooky, but enough to give a sense that two bodies are in alignment. If you watch couples, or even close friends, you'll see that over time as one shifts his body into a new position, the other person will also shift into a somewhat mirrored position of what his is.

It seems like that would help you in situations other than flirting.

It's great for job interviews.

Is there clothing that's better for flirting?

I always recommend that men check with their female friends about this. It depends on the kind of person you want. If you want an elegant woman, chances are she's going to like an elegant man. If you want a girl who likes hiking and dirt biking and stuff like that, she's going to probably want someone who looks more casual. But don't just stay with one look. Try the jeans and the casual shirt, then try something really fancy and see what kind of responses you get.

One mistake that women make is dressing too sexy, because all a guy is going to think about is getting her in bed. A mistake guys make is not thinking about it at all: I need a pair of pants; I'll just grab one. I need a shirt; I'll just grab one. It just doesn't go together and it doesn't read that they're a casual, sporty kind of guy, or an intelligent, computer kind of guy. It doesn't read like anything. Who's going to be attracted to something they can't read?

What about flirting that's not physical, like e-mail flirting?

You can flirt in any medium -- over the phone, through written word, and in some ways you have to be a little bit more thoughtful than if you're talking to someone in person. Because in person, if I say something stupid but I'm smiling at you, you might just let that slide. One man in my workshop talked about how he would be doing e-mail flirting and then it would get to a point where it fell apart. I haven't read his e-mails, but my sense is that he got too pushy. You don't want too much innuendo in your phone, e-mail or personal flirting unless what you're looking for is just sex.

One of the exercises we do in my workshop is we have people write down what their goals are in three categories. There's the for-me column: If I'm flirting with you to get laid, to get a relationship, to feel good about myself, that's about me. There's the for-us column: I'm flirting for both of us to have fun or to get to know each other better. And there's the flirting for you because I want to see how many people I can make feel really good about themselves; think of it as altruistic flirting. I tell people to take that for-me column and put it up on a wall in their bedrooms and forget about it. Trust that your higher self, the universe, fate, God, whatever, is going to be working on that for you. Then focus on the for-us column, the for-you column. Because if I'm focusing on how we can have fun, how I can make you feel better about yourself, I'm going to be so much more successful at the for-me column.
salon.com | July 12, 1999

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