It's a pretty safe bet you're not going to see this kind of classified ad in the personals sections of gay newspapers and Web sites.

Even screaming queens don't want to torch their beds with the flames of other queens. And this sets up an interesting contradiction about gay life: The culture that celebrates effeminacy as a social ideal ridicules it as a sexual ideal.

Gay men encourage effeminacy by venerating drag and calling each other "girl." They love bitchy humor and consider camp an art form. But you'll never see effeminate men idealized as sexual partners.

Nobody has a more fascinating take on the subject than Tim Bergling in his new book, "Sissyphobia: Gay Men and Effeminate Behavior." Bergling analyzed the personals section of dozens of gay newspapers across the country. He looked at code words like "straight-acting/straight-looking," "military," "frat boy," "blue jeans and sweatshirt" and counted up all the ads.

"If I wanted a woman I'd be straight" was a typical phrase in the masculine-themed ads. So was "Femmes need not apply."

Then he did the opposite, counting ads that sought an effeminate partner or described the writer as effeminate. The results? Forty percent of all ads were masculine-themed while only 2 percent were feminine-themed. (The rest were neither.)

That masculine gay men prefer other masculine gay men as partners isn't a shock. What is surprising is how few effeminate men wanted other effeminate men as sexual partners. Bergling quotes a study published by the American Psychological Association showing that a substantial number of effeminate-identified men prefer masculine men as sexual partners.

Of all the questions Bergling raises about "sissyphobia" (and he raises many good ones), the most fascinating is the one he leaves unanswered: Why do so many effeminate men prefer in their partners the very masculinity they've bleached out of themselves?

The obvious answer is that they're attracted to their opposites. But that's only a partial answer, because the opposites they prefer do not like their opposites. In other words, effeminate men may lust for their opposites (masculine men), but masculine men don't lust for their opposites (effeminate men). Talk about painting yourself into a corner and throwing away the lube.