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"IT DOESN'T EVEN FIT ON THE MAP," SAYS GOP HOPEFUL.

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By John Thomas

April 1, 2000 |   In a bold and unexpected move, Gov. George W. Bush announced Friday that he would sell Alaska if elected president. The proceeds would not go toward paying off the national debt, but would instead be converted to cash and dropped on taxpayers from low-flying airplanes.

"I think there are a lot of people, in the drought areas especially, who'd like to see money falling from the sky," Bush said after his announcement Friday at a child pornographer's convention in Salt Lake City. "It makes more than sense. It makes sensibility."

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Bush said the idea of selling a large piece of land was "as old as Thomas Jefferson, who sold France to Louisiana, who sold it to AOL." The governor, whom polls describe as either dead or in heat in his race with Al Gore, told reporters he originally had proposed selling Australia.

"Turns out we don't own it anymore. Thanks to Bill Clinton."

Alaska Gov. Tony Knowles, a Democrat, was outraged by the suggestion and dismissive of Bush's grasp of executive power and geography.

"That dumb-ass frat boy couldn't find Alaska with both hands," he quipped upon hearing the news.

"Point exactly," said the Republican hopeful, autographing the pink cowboy boot of a JonBenét Ramsey impersonator. "Who could? I've never seen Alaska. It doesn't even fit on the map."

Alaska is the nation's 49th state and has inspired American artists as diverse as Jack London and Johnny Horton. With its 570,374 square miles, it is the only state bigger than Texas -- which, some critics argued, is the real reason for Bush's power play.

"It's all about size with him," said Alaska native Jewel, who was slated to perform selections from her new book of poetry, "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang," at the convention but canceled at the last minute. "I thought they said child photographers," she said.

Bush claimed that Hawaii was in no danger of being sold since "you cannot sell what you do not own." He was willing, however, to "fight for Hawaii," and vowed to make "a free Hawaii" part of the GOP platform.

Though the governor would not speculate on the value of the state of Alaska, he guessed it "must be worth billions and billions. It goes on for days, got all that oil, that TV show. And it comes with salmon."

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