Satire
Joyce McGreevy
Times are hard for everyone. But the heaviest burden is borne by the SUV owners forced off the road by tragically high gas prices.
By Joyce McGreevy
June 7, 2004 | Remember when a down economy only hurt the poor? Well, now things are starting to affect people who matter -- people like the Bowens.
According to shocking revelations in a story in the Baltimore Sun datelined Portland, Ore., "Debbie and Greg Bowen would prefer to drive their spacious sport utility vehicle to the Oregon shore on weekends. But at a time of spiking gasoline prices, they've been opting for the smaller Acura, which costs less to fill up."
That makes me sad. No one should ever have to choose between the Acura and the SUV. Yet millions of Americans have been forced into the same mildly disappointing situation -- Acura set an all-time single month sales record in May, and year-to-date Acura sales rose to 80,556, up 20.2 percent from 2003. It's like rationing, only with cash rebates and a 0.9 percent APR.
By comparison, Daniel Soto has it made. With only one used vehicle, he hops in without a care in the world and commutes 876 scenic miles to the nearest available job. A tradesman with the Plumbers and Steamfitters Union in Saginaw, Mich., he probably can't appreciate what it's like to gaze in melancholy at the ocean weekend after weekend. While the Bowens endure the torment of having to sit in close proximity to their own small children for hours at a time, Soto only has to see his family every couple of weeks.
But some of Soto's cronies have it even easier. Up to 300 others in his local union are out of work. Pretty easy living, if you ask me. No need to drive home early on a Sunday from your weekends at the shore. No time spent waiting at the bank and shopping at malls. Most of all, no forking over as much as one-third what Europeans pay for gas. See, it's fine for those Euro types. They drive around in little motorized lunchboxes and spend their days contentedly sitting under the Tuscan sun or shopping for dead parrots. Everybody knows that.
But for people like the Bowens, life's no Piccadilly Circus. At one point the reporter observes Mr. Bowen's valiant struggle, within the tight confines of a performance luxury sedan, not to drop McDonald's French fries on his wife's lap. To think -- innocent children, strapped helplessly in their nicely upholstered seats, had to witness this. Enjoy your Slightly Less Happy Meal, children. Life can be cruel.
Poor people never have to worry about things like this. They just amble toward the street as they please and wait for a bus to carry them somewhere. Unemployment office? Fine. Soup kitchen? Fine. They don't care. And if they do get a car, you can't help but wonder at their aesthetic sensibility. Honestly, what's with the marked preference for old, ugly, beat-up vehicles that don't even run properly? Some of these people are so obsessive they even live in their cars. That's ridiculous. Where does one store the linens?
The trouble with poor people is they won't invest in the system. You take the bottom 40 percent of the population. Ask them, "How much of the world's net worth are you willing to steward?" Turns out it's only like 0.2 percent. That's pathetic.
Next page: Like Bill Cosby said, if those people just weren't stealing pound cakes ...

