Salon.com > Borderline Personality Disorder

Does my mom have BPD?

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Cary,

I've been reading your column for years and it's helped me a lot. Thank you for that.

A recent suggestion that a daughter-in-law who throws outrageous tantrums at the end of visits might have a borderline personality disorder really struck a chord with me. The videos you linked to were so similar to my mother. For example, at least twice a year she'll unleash a barrage of furious and hostile emails and phone calls to me and accuse me of gloating while she cries, being abusive, lambasting her and making her as miserable as I possibly can, never saying anything supportive, being secretive and a user (because I didn't tell her that my husband and I had separated until we knew for sure we were headed for divorce) ... I could go on and on. None of it matches my view of myself at all, though I do tend to close myself off and not react when she screams at me. I used to get really wrapped up in the hurtful things she says, but I'm used to it enough that it mostly gives me a week or two of feeling depressed and like I'm a horrible person, and then I just shrug and carry on.

Throws fits when packing

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Reader,

Believe it or not, I'm getting low on letters. So talk to me! What's going on in your life? What are you thinking about? Let's write to each other. You write to me, I write back here, for all the world to see. No problem too small! No problem too strange! No ideas too outlandish to contemplate here together! Write to me!

Good Morning Mr. Tennis,

My daughter-in-law is a wonderful mother -- smart, fun and loves my son and their two children -- a very competent person in almost all respects.

She and my son live about 1,100 miles away and we have family gatherings two or three times a year. She is prone to throw screaming, crying tantrums based on minor events and always blaming someone for her distress.

She is not alcoholic or addicted to any drugs but I've seen this type of behavior in alcoholics I've known. These tantrums occur at the very end of our family gatherings and occur with her family as well as with our family. She can't be talked down or reasoned with and if ignored will escalate, often physically leaving the group (walking away).

My mom’s a chronic debtor

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 01:00:00 +0000

Hi Cary,

I write seeking advice as the newly pregnant daughter of a chronically indebted, bipolar (and most likely borderline), recovered-alcoholic mother. The most recent incident that spurred this letter occurred when I took the day off to attend to my mother during an outpatient surgery and she did not have the $10 necessary for her pain medication co-pay. This came on the heels of the holidays when I had told her the best Christmas present she could give me was the knowledge that she had ability to pay her bills in January. Instead, I got several department-store gifts that were presumably bought on a credit card.

I declined to pay the co-pay and received holy hell in the form of manipulation, anger, promises, anger, threats, etc. My brother later gave in, as we were worried about her pain.

My mother makes over $80,000 a year in the mental health field. From the bills lying around on her desk (I looked and invaded her privacy) it appears that she is now in debt again to the only folks that will issue her a card, department stores, and to several bill-me-later and payday-loan places. I am an artist, live paycheck to paycheck, and make a fraction of her income. I do live within my means, and recognize that I have a lot of anxiety around money due to my experiences with my mother. I am attempting to become more financially literate and not fulfill the starving-artist stereotype.