“A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney” debuted on “60 Minutes” in 1978, and in the 33 subsequent years, the segment’s namesake gained a reputation for being television’s most curmudgeonly broadcaster. But in his final scheduled on-air comment Sunday evening, Rooney betrayed the sentimentality of someone less surly than he’s been reputed to be: ”I’ve done a lot of complaining here, but of all the things I’ve complained about, I can’t complain about my life. [...] All this time, I’ve been paid to say what’s on my mind on television. You don’t get any lucker than that.”
Apparently it’s going to take more than the threat of assassination to wipe the smile from of Dave Letterman’s face.
The “Late Show” host returned to work Monday night. It was his first broadcast since the news surfaced last week that a would-be jihadi had called for his death on an Internet message board. No stranger to controversy, Letterman seemed nonplussed by the threat. The comedian deftly illustrated that point by enumerating all the individuals and parties who openly hate him — a list that includes most humans and animals.
As if CBS’ new “Two and a Half Men” naked promo wasn’t enough to convince audiences that next season is going to be for adults only (“No kids allowed! Sorry, Angus T. Jones!”), today’s plot leak regarding a certain character’s certain demise in a certain type of “meat explosion” should do the trick. (Sorry, I didn’t want anyone to get upset over spoilers.)
Here’s the spoiler alert: CBS went all out in its fantasy killing of Charlie Sheen’s dopplegänger, Charlie Harper.
According to TMZ’s taping attendee, the plot lays out how Rose (played by Melanie Lynskey) — the neighbor who had been doggedly pursuing Harper, and whom Harper brought to Paris last season — married Harper while in the City of Lights, but later caught him cheating on her in the shower.
According to TMZ’s, Rose speaks at Charlie’s funeral, telling everyone that while she and her spouse were waiting in a Paris subway station the day after the shower incident, Charlie “slipped” onto the tracks, in front of an oncoming train, resulting in a “meat explosion.”
I’m guessing this is the result of some contest over at Warner Bros. to see who could come up with literally the grossest way to kill off a character played by a guy who is suing them. I’m almost surprised that these other suggestions didn’t make the cut for appropriately described death scenes for the family sitcom.
1. Charlie Harper visits Universal Studios on a whim, where a comedy of errors has him entering what he believes to be Eli Roth’s “Hostel”-themed amusement park maze, but in reality turns out to be an actual torture dungeon belonging to a rich, Slovakian sadist.
2. Death by autoerotic asphyxiation while simultaneously looking at child pornography and kicking a sad orphan puppy.
3. Jon Cryer finally snaps after one too many gay jokes and beats Charlie to death with his own well-polished shoe.
In this photo provided by CBS News, U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner talks about the debt crisis on CBS's "Face the Nation" in Washington Sunday, July 10, 2011. Geithner said Sunday that the Obama administration wants to seek "the biggest deal possible" on debt reduction. His comments followed word from GOP congressional leaders Sunday that the White House's $4 trillion package was off the table. (AP Photo/CBS News, Chris Usher) (Credit: AP)
Appearing on CBS’ “Face the Nation” Sunday, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner spoke out against lawmakers like Michele Bachmann who have claimed the administration is using scare tactics to over-hype the debt crisis.
“On Aug. 2., we’re left running on fumes,” Geithner told host Bob Schieffer. “We have no capacity to borrow… We have to act; Congress has to act ahead of that point. If they don’t act, then we face catastrophic damage to the American economy.”
Geithner expressed confidence that a deal would be reached ahead of the Aug. 2. deadline, but noted that whether or not the deal would be good for the economy was a different matter. He told Schieffer that the Obama administration faced a difficult task in trying to broker the “biggest deal possible.”
1. PETA pets of the day: Kristen Wiig and Russell Brand were named Sexiest Vegetarians of 2011 by the animal activist group. Now how long until they try to convince the stars to pose naked?
5. Sitcom death of the day: How are the writers planning to get rid of Charlie Sheen’s character on “Two and a Half Men”? Here’s a hint: It involves Chuck Lorre’s fantasy scenario.
1. Talk show of the day: “Survivor’s” Jeff Probst will be getting his own daytime program on CBS, ostensibly to fill in the hole left by Oprah’s departure from the network.
2. Bay of the day: “Transformers” director Michael Bay knows how to save his 3-D films. He just needs to get those projectionists to screen “Dark Side of the Moon” twice as bright as normal films, in order to achieve optimal Optimus Prime viewing quality. These projectionists should do this because, as he Bay told them in a recent letter, “We’re all in this together.”
3. Award show confusion of the day: During last night’s BET Awards, a woman presented Chris Brown with the Viewer’s Choice Award, but then quickly changed her answer to Rihanna instead. And then Drake got up to accept. Damn those new teleprompters!
5. “Brady Bunch” horror of the day: Florence Henderson admitted to sleeping with former N.Y. Mayor John Lindsay. It was only a one-time thing, though, since he gave her crabs.
The (Condensed) Grammy Award Broadcast 
Farewell to Record Stores 
Whitney Houston dies at 48 
Porn’s taboo transsexual stars 
The Internet makes magic disappear 
The case for a global currency 
Bridging the Irish-Italian divide 
Paul Gauguin’s Polynesian “paradise” 
Taking sex out of the city 
“Walking Dead” creator: Get ready for breakneck pace 
Female soldiers fight the brass ceiling 
