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The "Late Show" host returned to work Monday night. It was his first broadcast since the news surfaced last week that a would-be jihadi had called for his death on an Internet message board. No stranger to controversy, Letterman seemed nonplussed by the threat. The comedian deftly illustrated that point by enumerating all the individuals and parties who openly hate him -- a list that includes most humans and animals.

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Here's the spoiler alert: CBS went all out in its fantasy killing of Charlie Sheen's dopplegänger, Charlie Harper.

From Reuters (citing TMZ):

According to TMZ's taping attendee, the plot lays out how Rose (played by Melanie Lynskey) -- the neighbor who had been doggedly pursuing Harper, and whom Harper brought to Paris last season -- married Harper while in the City of Lights, but later caught him cheating on her in the shower.

According to TMZ's, Rose speaks at Charlie's funeral, telling everyone that while she and her spouse were waiting in a Paris subway station the day after the shower incident, Charlie "slipped" onto the tracks, in front of an oncoming train, resulting in a "meat explosion."

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"On Aug. 2., we’re left running on fumes," Geithner told host Bob Schieffer. "We have no capacity to borrow... We have to act; Congress has to act ahead of that point. If they don’t act, then we face catastrophic damage to the American economy."

Geithner expressed confidence that a deal would be reached ahead of the Aug. 2. deadline, but noted that whether or not the deal would be good for the economy was a different matter. He told Schieffer that the Obama administration faced a difficult task in trying to broker the "biggest deal possible."

Watch Geithner's appearance below, via CBS:

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2. Actual nudity of the day: The Gloss' Jamie Peck walked around topless in Central Park to prove that it's legal for women to go shirt- and braless in public under N.Y. state law.

3. Secret wedding of the day: No-longer-"Ugly" star America Ferrera married longtime boyfriend Ryan Piers Williams in an intimate ceremony last night.

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2. Bay of the day: "Transformers" director Michael Bay knows how to save his 3-D films. He just needs to get those projectionists to screen "Dark Side of the Moon" twice as bright as normal films, in order to achieve optimal Optimus Prime viewing quality. These projectionists should do this because, as he Bay told them in a recent letter, "We're all in this together."

3. Award show confusion of the day: During last night's BET Awards, a woman presented Chris Brown with the Viewer's Choice Award, but then quickly changed her answer to Rihanna instead. And then Drake got up to accept. Damn those new teleprompters!

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Oddly enough, Oprah spent most of her show not trending on Twitter, though "surprise" guests like Tom Hanks, Michael Jordan, Maya Angelou, Jerry Seinfeld, Jamie Foxx, Stedman and Gayle all did. I use quotation marks because there are no surprise guests for Oprah ... if Obama himself had taken the stage to wish her well, it would not have been that unexpected.

So perhaps the biggest surprise of today was a heartfelt speech by Oprah's silent partner Stedman Graham. Looking nervous, Stedman said that he didn't know of anyone else who could change so many people's lives and also bring a bagged lunch to work.

Meanwhile, Dr. Maya Angelou's contribution to the ceremony was a new poem, which she read accompanied by Alicia Keyes on the piano:

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Actually, it kind of makes sense: Kutcher is one of the few stars whose social-media savvy outshines post-breakdown Charlie (Ashton has double the number of Twitter followers), and he could bring in that younger demographic that seems to be the only group resistant to the hit show's gravitational pull. Plus, now there's a chance Demi Moore will cameo!

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The network on Tuesday announced the expected selection of Pelley, the veteran "60 Minutes" reporter, to replace Katie Couric on the "CBS Evening News." Couric is pursuing a syndicated talk show, but hasn't said where she will be working next. The date for her final CBS broadcast has not been set.

Pelley is a Texas native who has worked at CBS for two decades. He will inherit a broadcast that is in last place in the ratings behind NBC and ABC, and has been for some time.

CBS said Pelley will continue to do stories for "60 Minutes."

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I'm wondering if Rob Lowe is still on this list, as he'd probably make for the best contestant to fill Sheen's shoes. Not in the same role, of course, but Rob could easily turn on the charm and carefree charisma that Sheen brought to his "Charlie" character. And what's more, the actors grew up together. (Hello, "Stories I Only Tell My Friends!")

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A network executive, who spoke on condition of anonymity because Couric has not officially announced her plans, reported the move to The Associated Press on Sunday night. The 54-year-old anchor is expected to launch a syndicated talk show in 2012 and several companies are vying for her services.

Couric's move from NBC's "Today" show was big news in 2006, and she began in the anchor chair with a flourish that September. She tried to incorporate her strengths as an interviewer into a standard evening news format and millions of people who normally didn't watch the news at night checked it out. But they drifted away and the evening newscast reverted to a more traditional broadcast.

After those first few weeks, the "CBS Evening News" settled into third place in the ratings and is well behind leader Brian Williams at NBC's "Nightly News" and second-place Diane Sawyer at ABC's "World News."

No departure date has been set for Couric. Her CBS News contract expires on June 4.

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But one piece of Roald's oeuvre that has slipped through the cracks over the years was his brief stint as Rod Serling's competition, when CBS bought 14 episodes of the the sci-fi/horror show "Way Out" to go on right before "The Twilight Zone's" time-slot in 1961. "Way Out" featured similar plot devices as "Twilight Zone": Roald as the spooky, smoking narrator, a teleplay that focused on some dark side of human nature, and loads of famous guest stars. Ultimately "Way Out" was cut from the network's lineup, despite good critical reception and scripts adapted from Roald's own short stories. Now, for the first time, the five episode series is available online thanks to the Internet Archive.

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But as far as we can tell, the Russian adaptation of "How I Met Your Mother" is going to do gangbusters in the post-soviet nation thanks to the broad pratfalls, eye-popping facial expressions, and the near-limitless supply of drinks to throw at one another that has been such a staple of the CBS show since its inception. Can you figure out who is who in the Russian cast?

Ted is pretty easy to figure out. I'm guessing Barney is the guy in the suit, and the one with the weird hair is Marshall? If we're assuming this is the first season, the woman blowing Russian Ted off would be Robin, and the blond lady is Lily.

Now if only we could find out who the mother was!

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After careful consideration, Warner Bros. Television has terminated Charlie Sheen’s services on “Two and a Half Men” effective immediately.

Sheen has already reacted to the news of his firing in typical oddball fashion, voicing happiness to be done with the show. The actor then mocked his network antagonists, saying: 

They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of the bazillions, never have to look at [expletive] again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension.

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• Sheen is confident that "Two and a Half Men" will be back on the air any day now. He told two Philadelphia-based morning-radio hosts that he and CBS were "getting close to something," and that "I see us back on the air, with a few adjustments." (NY Post)
• Sheen still has (many) other prospects besides his show. For one, the actor with "adonis DNA" is in negotiations with media mogul Mark Cuban to host a new show on HD Net. (NY Post)
• The actor has been so prolific as of late that Sirius XM launched a new radio station dedicated to reporting news bits related to Sheen as they surface -- 24 hours a day. (Billboard)
• On a more somber development, one of Charlie's two goddesses, porn actress Rachel Olberlin, apparently left his home for good. But then she came back! (Hollywood News)
• Sheen will accompany Sean Penn on a humanitarian mission to Haiti. Penn said of Sheen, "I think his energies, intelligence and passion could be both of service and servicing to him, as it is to all who are touched by the struggle of the Haitian people." (ABC News)

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In a stunningly offensive blog post titled "Lara Logan, CBS Reporter and Warzone 'It Girl,' Raped Repeatedly Amid Egypt Celebration" for LA Weekly, writer Simone Wilson managed to mention Logan’s "shocking good looks and ballsy knack for pushing her way to the heart of the action" before getting to the assault itself. She then went on to imagine how it happened: "In a rush of frenzied excitement, some Egyptian protestors apparently consummated their newfound independence by sexually assaulting the blonde reporter." Well, sure, what other motive for an assault could there be, given that Logan is, in Wilson’s words, a "gutsy stunner" with "Hollywood good looks"? And how else do Egyptians celebrate anyway but with a gang assault?  It's not like she deserved it, but well, she is hot, right?

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Per CBS: 

In the crush of the mob, she was separated from her crew. She was surrounded and suffered a brutal and sustained sexual assault and beating before being saved by a group of women and an estimated 20 Egyptian soldiers.  

Logan returned to the U.S. the next morning, and CBS says it will release no further information on the incident at the request of Logan and her family.

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It was a perfect storm for Tweeters and a number of websites that disseminated the video -- salivating, no doubt, over the traffic spikes such clips bring. One blog kept track of the publications that poked fun at the reporter. Fox News in particular seemed to revel in Branson's "flub." 

But the real story of what happened is no laughing matter. It turns out that Branson was rushed to the hospital shortly after the gaffe, and it's suspected she suffered a stroke. (Warning: the video could be disturbing to some viewers.)

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John Boehner on "Meet the Press"

The Republican House Speaker conceded that the White House has dealt with Egypt "as well as it could be handled." He also addressed the deficit and reports that he'd warned former Rep. Chris Lee -- the "Craigslist congressman" -- about his conduct before Lee's shirtless email was revealed last week:

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