Unsure

Dear Unsure,

You may have thought and read about conflicts of interest and imbalances of power but are you ready to find, in the agonizing grip of an affair, a visceral unhappiness unlike anything you have ever known? Can you handle wanting to scream or grab a crowbar while also wanting to weep and beg forgiveness?

Are you ready to find yourself, as if living in a pre-feminist era, driven to a gradual, crippling compromise by your desire for some man who for all his fine words still seems to secretly enjoy unassailable privilege? Are you ready to be emptying ashtrays and making tea and realize, holy shit! You secretly expected his prestige and power to rub off on you but nothing has really changed! Are you ready to realize you allowed yourself to indulge in some 19th-century claptrap and did it with your eyes open and your finger on the page in this book right here where it says women are powerful and things have changed and you control your own destiny, which is sort of true in lots of ways except for the ones that really matter?

Except where actual privilege lives its actual life?

Actual privilege is nice and attractive. It just doesn’t have much of a heart.

I’m not saying be a good girl and never act on your impulses. And I’m not setting it up for I Told You So And Now Don’t Come Crying to Me or some such. I’m saying, do some research on him. Does he have a girlfriend? Is he married? Does he spend time with lots of students, or mainly with his peers? Watch him. Study him.

You are vulnerable here. Maybe you are capable of handling this. But maybe not. It wouldn’t be the first time someone thought she knew what she was doing.

So do some courageous self-assessment. Share your dilemma with your women friends. Don’t just walk in there with your eyes shut and open up for him. Power and privilege still break women’s hearts and psychotherapy is expensive especially if you didn’t get that tenure-track job even though he promised to go to bat for you in the committee and now that you think about it, weirdly enough, he didn’t really support you as energetically as you thought he would.

I mean, Are you ready to want what you didn’t think you wanted, and want it more strongly than you thought you could want anything, and then find out that no matter how much you want it you’re never going to get it because somebody else already took it and she wears weird eye shadow?

That is what happens when your lust is only a thin covering over a deeper, global longing that you don’t even know you have until after it’s driven you crazy.

Are you ready to realize that you’re the one who said all these empowered, knowing, independent-sounding words and now all you want is for this man to just stay right here and not go teach his next class while you embody your desire in the form of another cup of green tea and an omelet, which he consumes but does not appear to taste, and when you ask him a question about his work he waves it away as if it were not phrased properly and when you see him with other students, you notice a pretty young woman student who has this adoring look on her face that seems eerily familiar …

And if it comes to that will you be able to accept that he has another young student who finds him as irresistible as you do and he may be seeing her tonight, and he may lie to you about it or not tell you anything, or disappear for weeks at a time with no notice, or break a date with you without warning or explanation, or suddenly seem distant and petty and not at all interested in you and what you have to say, or become critical of you and your life choices or not want to meet your friends and family or find fault with your apartment, which is too small, or the color of your toenails, which is too bright, all of which makes you scream at him but you don’t because you don’t want him to see your juvenile, screamer-bitch side, which you only so recently thought you’d completely left behind.

Because you are a graduate student at a distinguished university and it wouldn’t be right …  after he fails to show up yet again and you are left sitting at the bar wondering why you didn’t heed the warning signs.

You could have read about this in a book. You don’t have to actually fall off a cliff to know why it’s good to stand back from the edge.

Maybe you are very tough and self-reliant and just want an adventure. I don’t know you. But if you are so tough and self-reliant, why are you sharing this with me?

I think you know there is something dangerous about this and what you really need is for someone to say, Slow down. Examine your motives. Examine your hungers. What are you really looking for?

Unfortunately, she’s not alone. Conducting research requires funding, and today’s research follows the golden rule: The one with the gold makes the rules.

A report just released by Food and Water Watch examines the role of corporate funding of agricultural research at land grant universities, of which there are more than 100. “You hear again and again Congress and regulators clamoring for science-based rules, policies, regulations,” says Food and Water Watch researcher Tim
Schwab, explaining why he began investigating corporate influence in agricultural research. “So if the rules and regulations and policies are based on science that is industry-biased, then the fallout goes beyond academic articles. It really trickles down to farmer livelihoods and consumer choice.”

The report found that nearly one quarter of research funding at land grant universities now comes from corporations, compared to less than 15 percent from the USDA. Although corporate funding of research surpassed USDA funding at these universities in the mid-1990s, the gap is now larger than ever. What’s more, a broader look at all corporate agricultural research, $7.4 billion in 2006, dwarfs the mere $5.7 billion in all public funding of agricultural research spent the same year.

Influence does not end with research funding, however. In 2005, nearly one third of agricultural scientists reported consulting for private industry. Corporations endow professorships and donate money to universities in return for having buildings, labs and wings named for them. Purdue University’s Department of Nutrition Science blatantly offers corporate affiliates “corporate visibility with students and faculty” and “commitment by faculty and administration to address [corporate] members’ needs,” in return for the $6,000 each corporate affiliate pays annually.

In perhaps the most egregious cases, corporate boards and college leadership overlap. In 2009, South Dakota State’s president, for example, joined the board of directors of Monsanto, where he earns six figures each year. Bruce Rastetter is simultaneously the co-founder and managing director of a company called AgriSol Energy and a member of the Iowa Board of Regents. Under his influence, Iowa State joined AgriSol in a venture in Tanzania that would have forcefully removed 162,000 people from their land, but the university later pulled out of the project after public outcry.

What is the impact of the flood of corporate cash? “We know from a number of meta-analyses, that corporate funding leads to results that are favorable to the corporate funder,” says Schwab. For example, one peer-reviewed study found that corporate-funded nutrition research on soft drinks, juice and milk were four to eight times more likely to reach conclusions in line with the sponsors’ interests. And when a scrupulous scientist publishes research that is unfavorable to the study’s funder, he or she should be prepared to look for a new source of funding.

That’s what happened to a team of researchers at University of Illinois who were funded by a statewide fertilizer “checkoff” after they published a finding that nitrogen fertilizer depletes organic matter in the soil. Checkoffs are a common method used to market agricultural products, and they are funded by a small amount from each sale of a product – in this case, fertilizer. Richard Mulvaney, one of the U of I researchers, feels it is twisted that, in this way, farmers fund research intended to promote fertilizer use with their own fertilizer purchases.

But often the industry influence may be more subtle. Joyce Lok, a graduate student at Iowa State University, said, “If a corporation funds your research, they want you to look at certain research questions that they want answered. So if that happens it’s not like you can explore other things they don’t want you to look at… I think they direct the research in that way.”

John Henry Wells, who spent several decades as a student, professor and administrator at land grant universities sees it a different way. As an academic, he hopes that his research is relevant to real world problems that agriculture faces at the time. “When you ask the question, did I ever outline a research plan with the explicit notion of is this going to be fundable, I would say no. But I thought very deeply about whether my research plan was going to be relevant, and one of the indicators of relevancy would be if the ideas I put forward would get the attention of trade associations, private industry, benefactors, etc.”

If scientists use fundability as an important criteria of selecting research topics, research intended to serve the needs of the poor and the powerless will be at a disadvantage. However, Wells says that this is hardly a new phenomenon: land grants have existed to serve the elites since their creation in the 19th century.

“As its basis, the land-grant university was intended to cater to a narrow political interest of landowners and homesteaders – individuals who had the right to vote and participate in the political structure of a representative democracy.” he says. “Contemporarily, it is not so much that the land-grant university has been corrupted by modern agro-industrial influence, as it has been historically successful in focusing on its mission in the context of our Constitutional framework of governance. For the land-grant university, its greatest strength – a political collaboration spanning the top-to-bottom echelons of influence – has been its greatest weakness.”

Land grant universities and the USDA itself first came into being at a time when the academic view of agriculture was fundamentally changing – even if most farmers at the time ignored the advice of academics, dismissing them as “book farmers” who knew little about actually working the land. Will Allen writes about this period in his book ”The War on Bugs,” telling the story of Justus von Liebig, a prominent agricultural chemist in Germany.

“In the 1830s, Liebig began asserting that the most essential plant nutrients were nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium. His theories fueled the development of chemical fertilizers and ushered in a new age of agricultural science and soil chemistry in the 1840s and 1850s. Though many of Liebig’s theories were wrong, he was the first great propagandist for chemistry and for chemical-industrial agriculture.” Perhaps the most significant of his mistakes was his belief that organic matter in the soil was unimportant.

Dozens of Americans studied under Liebig and returned to the U.S. to continue their work. Two of these students established labs at Harvard and Yale, and soon “all agricultural schools and experiment stations in the country followed their lead.” Thus, practically from the start, the elites in this country served the interests of those who peddled chemical fertilizers and other agricultural inputs – even if that wasn’t their intent. No doubt many were enticed by the prospect of founding a new, modern, scientific form of agriculture, as they felt they were doing.

The unholy trinity of industry, government and academics promoting industrial agriculture and de-emphasizing or dismissing sustainable methods has a long history and it continues today. In its report, Food and Water Watch advocates a return to robust federal funding of research at land grant universities. But government is hardly immune from serving the corporate agenda either.

Take, for example, Roger Beachy, the former head of the National Institute of Food and Agriculture (NIFA), the agency in the USDA that doles out research grants. Beachy spent much of his career as an academic, collaborating with Monsanto to produce the world’s first genetically engineered tomato. He later became the founding president of the Donald Danforth Plant Science Center, Monsanto’s non-profit arm, before President Obama appointed him to lead NIFA.

As Schwab noted, policy is often based on research, but good policy requires a basis in unbiased, objective research. In a system in which corporations and government both fund research, but due to the revolving door, the same people switch between positions within industry, lobbying for industry, and within government, what is the solution?

For three decades the cost of attending college anywhere — public, private nonprofit, or for-profit, Ivy League school or community college — has risen significantly faster than the rate of inflation. But the sharp acceleration over the last 10 years — and particularly since the onset of the Great Recession — has stoked a new wave of widespread anxiety over an impending “crisis” in higher education. The unrelenting cost hikes also explain why government aid for college students has become such a hot topic in this presidential campaign year. Even as the government continues to print money and throw it into the breach, the hole just seems to gets bigger. Total student debt is now over $1 trillion and rising.

In fact, for some critics, access to “easy government money” is the real problem, not the solution. No less an authority than House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan, explaining why he wants to cut Pell Grants and reduce the availability of government-backed student loans, claims “there is evidence that subsidized lending contributes to tuition inflation.” Just last month, Moody’s Analytics chief economist Mark Zandi told the Associated Press that government loans and subsidies don’t work because “universities and colleges just raise their tuition. It doesn’t improve affordability and it doesn’t make it easier to go to college.’’

For some of these critics, the solution to higher tuition costs is to take government out of the education equation altogether; to allow the market to provide “innovative,” cost-effective alternatives to old-school brick-and-mortar-style higher education. Online learning, for example, could theoretically provide students with a cheap end-around to the existing establishment. There’s an intuitive attraction to this approach that crosses party lines. We’ve already seen the Internet wreak havoc on the music business and publishing industry by fundamentally changing the economics of content delivery. Why can’t it do the same for education?

Maybe it can, and will, in the long run. But before signaling a full-scale retreat of government from the higher education fray, it’s important to look a little more closely at the simplistic claim that “easy government money” is fueling higher costs. While there are certainly some sectors of higher education in which there is a clear relationship between student loans and higher tuitions, for the great majority of college students the problem isn’t that the government is giving them too much money. Quite the opposite: It’s the collapse of direct government support for higher education that is the main driver of higher tuition costs.

“The reality is that student debt is not rising because the government is putting more money into higher education,” says Kevin Carey, policy director at Education Sector, a Washington-based nonpartisan think tank. “It’s rising because the government is putting less money into higher education.”

The first step in grappling with the rise in the cost of higher education requires understanding where students go to school. There are three main categories — public schools (which include both four-year public universities and two-year community colleges), private nonprofits (the Ivys, most liberal arts colleges, etc.), and the for-profits (Kaplan, University of Phoenix, Corinthian Colleges, aka “career schools”). Here’s the key statistic: Fully 70 percent of the 19 million undergraduates and 3 million graduate students enrolled in post-secondary education in 2010 attended schools considered to be in the public sector — by which it is meant that some portion of their funding comes directly from government.

The problem: The word “public” doesn’t mean as much as it used to. Direct state support for public colleges has cratered over the past 10 years, and really fell off the cliff after the financial crisis. Yes, tuitions have risen, but not by as much as state and local appropriations for higher education have fallen. Just between 2008 and 2009, for example, average tuition revenue at public research institutions increased by $369 per student, but the loss in state and local appropriations per student was $751. Similarly, at public community colleges, tuition revenue rose by $113 per student, while appropriations fell by $488. Since the recession of 2001, tuition hikes, as exorbitant as they have been, still haven’t kept pace with the fall in government support.

The bottom line: For the large majority of college students, rising tuitions have nothing to do with the availability of student loans or Pell Grants. What’s happening, instead, is that the burden of paying for college that was previously provided directly by government has now been shifted onto the backs of students, in the form of crippling debt.

The picture becomes a bit more complicated when one considers private nonprofits, which don’t get government support, but where tuitions have also been rising, if at a slower pace than at public schools. There’s an argument to be made that one explanation for why college costs have consistently risen faster than inflation over many decades has to do with the built-in resistance that the education sector has to the kind of productivity increases that result in lower prices in other industries. You can’t outsource teachers to China like you can iPhones or blue jeans. You need talent to operate a full-service college, and there’s a lot of competition for the talent, and so prices keep going up. While there are some problems with this argument — such as, do schools really need to have as many administrative personnel as teaching personnel? — the private nonprofit sector is where this argument seems to hold mostly true. Generally speaking, the private nonprofits are more or less immune to the same market forces that result in economies of scale elsewhere. This is particularly true for elite schools, where astoundingly high tuition gets tremendous public attention. So what? If you’re turning away 75 to 80 percent of your applicants, what possible reason do you have for lowering tuition? Quite the opposite: Keep hiking it! The kids will continue to apply!

Of course, deserved or not, our culture places a lot of value on a degree from an elite institution, which further maintains their ability to charge as much as the market will bear. The same is not true for the rapidly growing for-profit sector, which has burgeoned in size over the last 15 years despite not delivering much that anyone values.

One out of every 10 American college students now attends a for-profit school. And there is absolutely no question that those schools’ entire business model is built on the availability of student loans. Eighty to 90 percent of for-profit revenue comes from government aid — and it would probably hit 100 percent if not for a government regulation capping the total percentage of revenue allowed to come from government aid at 90 percent.

“It’s very, very clear,” says Carey. “The for-profits set their prices to whatever the maximum federal loan limit is. They charge as much money as students can borrow. ”

As has been amply documented, the for-profit sector also does a horrible job of actually educating students. For-profit students are more likely to drop out and much more likely to default on the debt they accumulated while failing to get a degree.

The dependence of the for-profit sector on government money poses a bit of a conundrum for Republicans who decry “easy government money,” because ideologically, Republicans are big fans of the for-profit sector, and fight hard to keep it free of government regulation and oversight. Yet it is precisely here that the system is most screwed up. When profit is the goal, and government looks the other way, students are the losers.

One informative, market-based method for comparing public, private and for-profit schools, suggests Lauren Asher, the president of the Institute for College Access and Success, is to look at the “net price” charged by institutions. Posted tuition rates don’t actually give a very clear picture of what a college actually costs to the person writing the check. The “net price” subtracts whatever grants are provided to the student directly by the school or government from total tuition (but does not include student loans).

The most recent data is eye-opening. The net price of attending one year at a four-year public school in 2009-2010 was $10,175. At a private nonprofit: $16,672. And at a for-profit school? A whopping $23,771. In fact, says Asher, the data indicates that in the last couple of years, the net price of attending public schools has held even and in some cases declined slightly, despite tuition hikes. Asher says that even as state appropriations plummet, schools are finding ways to cut costs and plow whatever cash they have available back into aid for low-income students. The data seems clear: If you’re looking for a bargain, your best bet is still state-supported education.

So what does all this mean in the big picture? In a perfect world, the easy answer would simply be to restore direct government support for higher education. There are still clear economic rewards to getting a post-secondary school degree, making government support of education a good investment for future economic growth and prosperity.

Unfortunately, in the realpolitik of today’s revenue-constrained, tax-averse governments, that simply isn’t politically feasible. Way back in 1978, California pioneered the future that we all currently live in when voters passed Proposition 13 and severely restricted the ability of the state to raise taxes. As a nation, we’ve voted with our taxpayer wallets: We are no longer willing to fund massive direct investments in our future.

Carey holds out hope for alternative providers of education that leverage the Internet’s huge advantages to provide instruction at low cost. Although some of the for-profits, most famously the University of Phoenix, have already been conducting classes online for years, they aren’t doing so with the goal of lowering costs for students, but rather to maximize their own profits. They’re essentially exploiting the Internet to deliver product as cheaply as possible on their own bottom line, but charging top-line prices to consumers that force massive borrowing.

There’s a clear role for government to play here, says Carey, both in restricting the abuses rampaging through the for-profit sector and in realigning incentives that constrict student and educational facility flexibility. For example, he notes, you can’t get a student loan to take a single calculus course from whichever professor might specialize in delivering the best online calculus course in the world. There’s no current way to get government aid for mixing and matching credits from different educational providers that can ultimately be assembled into a full degree.

Carey points to new, free online education initiatives from MIT, Harvard and Stanford that promise to revolutionize the education business by offering high quality at extraordinary low costs. These elite institutions pose no threat to their own operating model — there will always be plenty of students seeking the validation of a brick-and-mortar degree from Harvard, but they carry massive potential to destroy, or at least severely constrain, the for-profit model of education. We may one day look back at the current era and wonder how in the world the for-profit schools ever got away with charging such huge fees. And of course you won’t need a student loan to pay for a free online circuit engineering course put together by MIT.

How close that future might be is anyone’s guess. For now, you can’t get a transferable college credit from the MIT/Harvard initiative — exactly the kind of problem government needs to help solve. But for now, as Republicans and Democrats continue to squabble over how to pay for low interest rates on student loans or how much money to put into the Pell Grant program, we should remember that the real story here isn’t how much students are borrowing, but how little government is doing to help.

After this, nothing was the same. My aunt was very cold to me and even rude. I wanted to yell at her, “What are you doing, don’t you love me anymore?! I’m doing what I think is best for me!” But nothing happened. (I think there might be more to the sudden change in how she treats me but I do not know for sure.) This family chaos has really affected me because we were all so close. Being a member of a small family I loved our Sunday night dinners and conversations.

Other than aunt/uncle drama, I really miss being home. All of my best friends from high school go to the state school my aunt and uncle wanted me to go to and we still talk, but I miss them, but at the same time I do not — or maybe I just refuse  to — regret my college decision. I did what was best for me. I wanted to do something new and unexpected so I could grow and become a better person.

I am a good student, I study all of the time and I do not party, drink or do drugs, and I am doing pre-med, which I know is taking a toll. It is very competitive, but I feel like I have to make it work. To be honest, I do not know if becoming a doctor is what I really want to do, but I feel like I don’t have any other choice. I know people say it is easy to switch majors, but it really isn’t. There are so many classes to take that if I switched, I would be a year behind for most majors.

I sometimes wonder if medicine is my plan B pretending to be my plan A, and that my actual purpose in life is hiding from me. I just don’t know where or how to find it. I love traveling but I would not call myself adventurous. I am scared of falling and being alone. I am also passionate about volunteering and helping others, hence why I think I would be a good doctor. But I am absolutely terrified to think that my plan, which sounds awesome but might not be right for me, is crumbling before me and I can’t do anything about it. (I should probably mention that I am a perfectionist and I am very organized, analytical and anxious, though I am not diagnosed with anything, yet.) I freak out over everything even though I know it is not healthy. I am also a stress eater and I have tried to work on this but it is hard! I was an athlete in high school but my coaches hated me because I willingly admitted that my schoolwork would always come first, no matter what. And it still does, but everything is so much more difficult now.

I thought that once I pushed myself outside my boundary and went to a school that I chose, going without anyone I knew, it would finally help me find myself. I had to start over, make completely new friends and figure out a new city, but I find myself more lost in the sea of confusion and I don’t know what to do.

To make things even more confusing, my dad, whom I haven’t talked to or heard from — absolutely nothing — decided now would be a good time to friend-request me with no message or anything (on Facebook). Worst. Timing. Ever. Especially since I have finals for the next two weeks. Part of me wants absolutely nothing to do with him, to just block him and never think of him ever again, but at the same time … I just don’t know. He probably just wants something, maybe money, which I don’t have. I am lucky I am even able to go to college thanks to scholarships, and the rest is coming out of my mom’s savings, which is not much and from the little I earned being a swim instructor at a local camp.

I am trying to take charge of my life. I am becoming more involved in things outside of studying, which I do all of the time. For example, I was just elected to my school’s Pre-med Society and our science and engineering Student Council board. And I tried to get a position shadowing or working in a lab this summer, but no response. I called three times, but nothing and do not want to harass anyone, but I could really use some experience, plus I really think it would be beneficial to see if it is something I want to do with the rest of my life. I mean, I only have one life and don’t want to mess it up! Which is a problem: I can’t imagine messing up or making the wrong decision. I know I over-think everything, but … I just do not know what to do, or how to fix my life so I can be happy, or at least not as sad as I am now.

I feel absolutely terrible because my mom tries so hard to help me. She lost her job and has been unemployed, but she still does so much for me. She sends me wonderful college survival packages and gifts and I know she loves me so much. She is the person I trust the most; she is not only my mom, she is also my best friend, so she hears the worst of everything, and the worst of me. There have been too many times that I just blew up because of how frustrated, sad and confused I get about life and school and she is the one who gets all of it and I just feel so terrible! I always apologize, but it is not enough and I know it. I know that it kills her to see her only child so upset and unhappy and it just drives me crazy. I don’t know who else to talk to. I have a small group of friends at school, but I am very closed-off and can’t tell everyone everything. I am not that trusting and it is not for them to know or worry about (that’s why I have never had a boyfriend or anything close to that, I guess).

I know life could be much worse, but for me, this year has been … not good. I am close to my heaviest weight I have ever been (I think I might have lost a couple pounds in the past few weeks because I started counting calories), and this is the saddest I have ever been. I kind of wonder sometimes if I have a case of depression, because there are some nights (more than I would like to admit to) that all I do is cry in my dorm’s stairwell.

Random thought: If I do decide to do medicine I think it might be nice to take a year off and travel and do volunteer work. And now that I think about that more, it sounds amazing, but I don’t think I would ever be able to do that. If I took time off, I don’t know if I would be able to go back to all of the stress and sadness, especially if it just gets worse from here.

I am not desperate enough to do anything drastic, and I never want to get to that point and that is why I am asking for some advice or anything. Please. What can I do about my aunt and uncle? What should I do about the guy who does not deserve the title of dad? And how do I find my purpose, the one thing that I am amazing at and enjoy, where I can help people and travel and volunteer before I collapse under the pressure? How can I become happy and satisfied with my life and myself?

Sincerely,

Completely Lost in a Sea of Sadness and Uncertainty

Dear Completely Lost,

Take a year off and travel and do volunteer work. Do it. Make a plan.

You know that it would make you happy to take a year off and travel and do volunteer work. So that is now your job. Not next year but the following year — the year between your sophomore and junior years — you need to travel and do volunteer work. Find where you want to go. Look at programs that can help. Perhaps you can do a work-study program, or be an exchange student. Or perhaps you could just travel without any set program.

You can do it. But this is interesting: Right on the heels of your discovery of what you really, really want comes heavy doubt: “I don’t think I would ever be able to do that. If I took time off, I don’t know if I would be able to go back to all of the stress and sadness, especially if it just gets worse from here.”

So your job is to accept that you have this doubt and fear. Sure, it’s possible that there will be difficulties. Difficult does not mean impossible. There will be a price but there is always a price. You have some control over what the price is. You have some control over the details of where you go and for how long. But do not let this automatic thought of, “Oh, I don’t know …” stop you in your tracks. That’s all it is — an automatic, unexamined, negative, defeating thought, the kind that practitioners of cognitive therapy teach us to identify and deconstruct. You can deconstruct it by noting that it is not based on any clear facts, that it is global and not specific, that not knowing the future is a normal thing, that when problems are broken down into their parts we can find solutions for them. That is, what you are really saying is that there would be a certain increase in the stress, which you don’t yet know how you would handle. That’s a manageable problem: You can estimate just how much stress this would create and come up with a plan for dealing with that increased stress. So I really hope you do that.

About your dad: I suggest you let your mom know he contacted you and ask her what you should do. About your aunt and uncle, here is an idea: Reach out to them. Send them cards. Tell them how you are doing. Just reach out to them, without asking for explanations or anything, but just sending them positive energy. Even if it doesn’t change their minds or feelings, it will make you feel better about the situation. As to finding your purpose, that will come through experience; you follow your instincts and talents, and learn from what happens, and that eventually comes together as a sense of purpose. That is, your sense of purpose develops from action in the world; it doesn’t simply appear to you in your mind like a vision.

Before finishing, I also want to say something about the process of writing a long letter. It is like you wrote your way through all this gloom to a glimmer of hope. All of a sudden — this “random thought” comes to you. This “random thought” is the most important thought that you have in the letter. It reinforces what I have observed and hypothesized about human interactions, and also my sense of why psychotherapy is so useful: Because we get to tell the whole story. We get to stay on the topic long enough for some sunshine to emerge. We cruise along in the gloom until almost exhausted and then: What was that? Look! Is that a ray of sunshine? This is yet another reason why we run letters at such length: It affords us the chance to observe an individual mind in the process of problem-solving through writing.

I might also note that one reason you miss the Sunday dinners is that during long dinners people get a chance to talk at length. Stuff develops. Which makes me think that at school, in your studying, it might not be just the sheer volume of work but how you divide the work up and the intervals at which you switch subjects, so you’re not able to spend enough time on any one subject, that is leading to anxiety. So try changing your study habits so you go more deeply into each subject before turning to the next. You may find that if you stick with a reading, right on the edge of exhaustion is where you begin to solve problems.

But mainly, to give you some hope about the future, I suggest you commit to this plan of taking time off to travel and do volunteer work. If you plan and work toward this, you will always have this little light of hope to think about. Before you go to sleep you can think about it. When you are stressed or unhappy you can think about it. It can be your private little guiding light.

Unfortunately, that hasn’t been true. I’m from the West Coast going to school on the East Coast, and I’ve experienced significant culture shock. It’s been hard to make friends, especially guy friends since I live on an all-girls hall. I have a great gay friend and three really close girlfriends, but it’s been a struggle to find a larger group. I don’t drink or do drugs, not for any religious/moral reason, just because I don’t like their effect on me. Since I’m an introvert, I don’t do as well in big group settings. But I really am good at close relationships – they’re incredibly important to me. I’m fiercely supportive of and loyal to my friends and family. I’m a good listener and I love taking care of people. I think I would make a great girlfriend, but I haven’t had a single guy express interest in me this year. There’s been the typical “so-and-so thinks you’re cute,” but I don’t trust people who like girls based purely on looks and rely on middle-school tactics like that. I’m usually pretty laid-back, but I’m starting to freak out about this a little bit. I can’t talk about it with my friends here because most people just assume I’m more experienced than I am and I’m too embarrassed to tell the truth. This embarrassment is new to me but the label “19-and-never-been-kissed” seems so awful.

I worry that it will never happen. I worry that my shyness is more off-putting than I realize, and that I don’t know how to get over my introversion. I worry that I come across as too old-fashioned and formal: I wear mainly vintage dresses and I love domestic things. I worry that I come across as prudish because I don’t swear or take part in the college party scene. I worry because having a family one day is incredibly important to me, and falling in love is part of that. I worry because this is not under my control. I can’t make it happen, and yet lately I can’t seem to let it go. It’s more than embarrassment, it’s sadness. Love and lust and all related things seem like such an integral part of the human experience, but I have no personal understanding of them yet. How can I grow up if I’ve never kissed a boy or been in love? How do these things start happening? Should I be worried? Should I keep waiting for somebody important or should I just go for guys to get past this awkwardness?

I feel like I have to put in the obligatory disclaimer here that I’m a feminist and I have big goals for myself, academically and career-wise, but this is an area I need help in.

Thanks!

19

Dear 19,

I can imagine you as part of my crowd at the age of 19, quiet but brilliant, quirky but strong, evoking protective feelings even as you intimidated us. Not to our credit, many of us young men gravitated toward other women who were less of a challenge, much to your amusement and your disdain.

You waited your turn to be admired according to your lights. Which in some cases never happened, because some of us never awoke from our obsessions to seek out an actual woman and an actual relationship. Meanwhile there were young women like you all around us — beautiful, proud, smart, sensitive, aching for affection.

We were such idiots.

Perhaps because you shine with such a fierce light of self, the East Coast college boys are a little frightened of you. They may act confident but rest assured they are frightened. All young men are frightened. It is the most frightening thing in the world to be strong physically yet emotionally lost, carrying the weight of the world on unsteady shoulders, mystified as to what comes next yet feeling you must act as if you know every step of the way.

Believe me, no young man knows every step of the way; many are just waiting for someone to tell them what to do.

One of the most memorable things a young woman has ever said to me is, “Do you mind if I take off my clothes?”

Of course, asking to take off your clothes might be asking for more than you’re asking for. You just want to be kissed. Something equally bold but more to your purpose might do the trick — for instance, “If you don’t mind, I’m going to kiss you now.”

Pick a guy. Give it a try. See where it leads.