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“Damages” finale: Career woman bad!

Tue, 20 Apr 2010 13:21:00 +0000

(Spoiler Alert! This review includes dozens of spoilers for Monday night's finale of "Damages." If you haven't watched the finale yet and plan to do so, don't read this review.)

"You've accomplished everything you set out to do. Is it worth it?" – Ellen Parsons to Patty Hewes

Bad parents sacrifice their kids for their careers. Good parents sacrifice their careers (and themselves) for their kids. That was the moral of the third season finale of "Damages," from the revelation that Louis Tobin's entire Ponzi scheme was set up to save his son Joe's career (He wasn't evil after all! He was just a really good dad… who defrauded people to help his son out of a jam!) to the discovery that Patty essentially killed her own unborn child (by going on a long, ill-advised walk in the country) so that motherhood wouldn't prevent her from leaving her small home town to go to law school.

“Damages”: Clash of the she-lawyers

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 16:15:00 +0000

The perverse appeal of the catfight, from the spectator's perspective, lies in watching two women reduced to their basest, least restrained selves, usually over some man whose worth is questionable at best. Catfights (or, more typically, one-upmanship that's cast as a catfight simply because two women are involved) make both women look powerless, frantic, hysterical -- traits that have been used to marginalize women since Sigmund Freud was diagnosing the insanity-inducing traits of the uterus, Salvador Dali and Phillipe Halsman were throwing water, naked women and cats into the air, and the Romans were tweeting repetitively about Bacchanalian cults (#BacchanaliaWTF?).

Perhaps it's this historical depiction of females as unable to confront each other without jumping into the nearest swimming pool and ripping each other's blouses off that makes the growing love/hate chess match between Ellen and Patty on FX's "Damages" so compelling. Having indoctrinated Ellen (Rose Byrne) into the cutthroat world of high-priced lawyers by baptizing her in her fiancé's blood, Patty (Glenn Close) still refuses to acknowledge any animosity between the two of them. Instead, she gives Ellen expensive gifts, sends Ellen's "replacement," Alex (Tara Summers), to Ellen for advice, or calls Ellen at 4 a.m. to invite her over for dinner, purposefully telling her the wrong night so that she'll show up and find Alex and Patty working closely together over a bottle of red wine.

“The Ricky Gervais Show”: Here’s to the soft, the dumb, the lazy

Sun, 21 Feb 2010 02:01:00 +0000

I'm enjoying the festivities in Vancouver as much as the next person, but aren't the Olympic athletes being a little bit insensitive to the rest of us?

First of all, I have a serious problem with Shaun White. He flies through the air like a superhero on my TV screen, then when he's done, he's all funny and charming and sweet in interviews. As if that weren't enough, the announcers go on to tell us all about how he has tons of money and his very own halfpipe in Colorado plus he's friends with Tony Hawk and his life is totally awesome. Does NBC really want to send the message that likable athletes who are pioneers in their sport are better than those of us who haven't done shit with our lives? I doubt it.

I also have a major beef with Lindsey Vonn, who insisted on making a huge spectacle of how fast she was going down that steep hill on her skis without falling once. How ridiculously insensitive was that to the woman who had a terrible wipeout on that exact same hill just minutes later?

“Damages”: Return of the dragon lady

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 02:01:00 +0000

The third season of FX's "Damages" opens like a love story: Here's Patty Hewes (Glenn Close), smiling and laughing and charming a table full of people at a fancy restaurant as swooning, romantic music plays. Finally Patty gets up, and a strange man approaches her.

"I've been sitting at that table all night hoping to get you alone," the man says to Patty.

Patty assumes that they've met before and she's forgotten his name. ("Oh, of course! Julian. And remind me what you do?") Julian quickly hints that they haven't met, but his intentions still aren't clear. "Must be exhausting, wearing that mask," he says, "always having to play the role of Patty Hewes."

"It's not a mask, what you see is what you get," Patty says lightly.

Julian isn't convinced, but we still don't understand what he wants from her. What is he trying to pull, anyway? Why is he acting like he has her number?

What’s your damage?

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 11:16:00 +0000

"You have to be careful, Ellen. Everyone is looking to play an angle." -- Patty Hewes (Glenn Close) of FX's "Damages"

Truer words have never been spoken -- at least when it comes to FX's nefarious-lawyer saga, "Damages." If you think you understand a character's motivations or values on this show, think again. If a character seems vaguely principled, he's probably bad news. If a character seems to have pure intentions, she's probably a narc or a spy or a vengeful former lover. If a character's actions seem spontaneous, he's probably been planning this move for years. In the topsy-turvy, deeply corrupt universe of "Damages," everyone is calculating and everyone is dangerous.

The show's sophomore season (premieres at 10 p.m. Wednesday, Jan. 7) once again adds up to a delicious maze of interrelated schemes, cross-purposes and ulterior motives. This is "24" with lawyers, a densely plotted roller-coaster ride of betrayals, yet somehow these master schemes feel far more compelling than the most elaborate terrorist plot to cross Jack Bauer's path in years.

I Like to Watch

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 12:00:00 +0000

In the old days, TV writers used to give their characters lovable traits: He has a soft spot for the downtrodden! She's self-involved but ultimately principled! He sings in the shower! She makes great banana bread, and sneezes cutely around cats!

These days, crazy is the new lovable. All you need to get viewers hooked on a character is a succulent psychological disorder or two: Awww, he's so obsessive-compulsive! Look, an alcoholic with violent mood swings! How cute! Her sense of self is so malleable. Oh, I love it when she gets all socially withdrawn and displays flattened affect like that!

Lead characters still have back stories, but they're usually accompanied by a psychiatric interpretation that justifies a whole host of dangerous quirks, from grandiosity to paranoia to sociopathic tendencies. Robert McKee's screenwriting bible "Story" has been replaced by the DSM-IV: Writers simply close their eyes and point to a page, then delight in the possibilities presented by long lists of lively maladies and disturbing behavioral tics.

Japanese court throws book at foot cult

Tue, 09 May 2000 16:00:00 +0000

Pull those socks off. According to Japanese cult Ho-no-hana Sampogyo, if you have short toes, you have a short temper, too. Fat toes? Your life will be filled with good fortune.

Sounds innocent enough, but Japanese cult leader Hogen Fukunaga also told his followers that they could die if they did not have the soles of their feet inspected, according to the Associated Press. Of course, this foot inspection did not come free -- some believers paid Fukunaga up to U.S.$935,000 in order to ensure their health.

There's nothing like getting ripped off to make you come to your senses. Four years ago, some of Fukunaga's followers began to defect, and 1,000 of them eventually filed lawsuits. Fukuoka District Court Judge Motoaki Kimura recently proclaimed the cult legally responsible for defrauding its followers, and ordered it to pay U.S.$2.12 million to 27 former members.

Judge Kimura explained to the Kyodo News Agency that the cult "significantly deviated from the range of what is permissible in the name of religious training."

The X-rated Little Mermaid

Mon, 31 Jan 2000 17:00:00 +0000

Jan. 31, 2000

She's naked, but she isn't nasty. The bare-torsoed "Little Mermaid" statue that coyly reclines in Copenhagen's harbor is a fairy tale innocent, not an erotic nymph. Her nudity is chaste and virginal. And don't you dare indulge in any perverted fantasies about her!

This prissy point of view is being put forth by the dim descendants of the celebrated mermaid's creator, Danish sculptor Edvard Eriksen. The huffy heirs are suing pornographer Barny Nygaard, who smeared lurid images of the sea siren on the cover of his adult videotape, "Love in Copenhagen," reports Agence France-Presse.

Although Nygaard has already removed the precious fish-maid's photo from his video and offered to pay 7,000 kronor (U.S. $926) in damages, the flustered family wants more. They're demanding 83,000 kronor (U.S. $10,981) because they believe the filmmaker "sullied the image, the reputation and the memory" of their artistic ancestor.

Naked World says: Get a life, you wretched parasites! The Little Mermaid already garners far more fame and respect than she deserves. An estimated 1 million tourists ferry out annually to gaze at this diminutive disappointment that is fawningly adored as the saccharine symbol of Copenhagen.