When the newest lineup of "Dancing With the Stars" was announced last week, it featured the show's trademark lineup of reality stars, athletes and C-listers, from Rob Kardashian to David Arquette to Kristin Cavallari. But for the first time, the show announced its "most unexpected" choice: the transgendered Chaz Bono, who will be partnered with professional dancer and full-time female Lacey Schwimmer.

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1.) Bacon cologne and perfume: Hey, that's a thing now! Really great to use if you like being chased down the street by dogs.

2.) Ben Affleck may be playing the brutish Tom Buchanan in Baz Luhrmann's "The Great Gatsby" remake: Fine. He might actually rock that. But does it still have to be in 3D?

3.) The video preview for the Beastie Boys' eighth album, "Hot Sauce Committee, Part Two."

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Although I am utterly flattered, my initial thought was to decline, as 2 year old nephew has more rhythm than me, and my two left feet!!

However Eileen thinks i should do it.

What do you think?

Oh come on, Christine, we know you want to. In the off-chance she declines, though, we've thought of five more political figures who might take her place:

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Do you remember that David Hasselhoff was a contestant this season? And that we all thought he might actually win the whole thing because he was the biggest train wreck of the bunch, and therefore the most fun to watch? God, I've missed him.

We should have known that David's demise right out of the gate signaled unusual things to come -- but the next set of dismissals seemed to proceed as predicted. Who can forget Michael Bolton's junkyard dog routine? Or Margaret Cho's exuberant yet fatally flawed psychedelic gay bird number? You could argue that The Situation should have fallen before Margaret (considering he had trouble walking gracefully, let alone doing anything that could seriously be characterized as "dancing") but there was no outrage with that decision. After The Situation floundered, Florence Henderson was the next logical one to go, having used every "naughty granny meets Doris Day" strategy in her diabolical arsenal to keep us from noticing that her partner Corky was basically carrying her around like a Muppet had been sewn onto his front.

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Steven Cowan, 67, of the town of Vermont, about 15 miles west of Madison, then pointed the gun at his wife, 66-year-old Janice Cowan, who escaped and called police, authorities said. A SWAT team surrounded the couple's farmhouse, and officers were able to talk Cowan out Tuesday morning after an all-night standoff.

Cowan had been drinking before he sat down to watch "Dancing with the Stars" and suffers from bipolar disorder, his wife told officers. He was charged Tuesday with second-degree reckless endangerment, and could be sentenced to up to 10 years in prison if convicted.

Bail was set at $1,500 for Cowan at his initial court appearance Wednesday in Madison. State Public Defender Jonas Bednarek, who represented Cowan, declined to comment. Cowan's preliminary hearing was set for Dec. 6.

Dane County Sheriff's Department spokeswoman Elise Schaffer said Cowan works as a landlord, but that she didn't know where he owned property. He has a clean criminal record, she said.

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I can only surmise that the promise of Obama, too clever for its own good while it was being sold to us, never effectively communicated the "personal sacrifice" and "patience" aspect of the inspirational message during all that "Yes We Can" business. So, the "American People" have grown impatient and embraced Palin -- the anti-Obama -- an embodiment of style over substance, charm over talent, anger over reason, simplicity over sophistication, opinion over fact, beauty over intelligence and fear over courage.

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Kimmel was referring, of course, to the juggernaut known as Miss Bristol Palin, America's unlikeliest dancing queen. And while his paranoia-stoking remarks drew laughs, they weren't far from the truth. Palin, the rhythm-challenged, occasionally gorilla-suited "teen advocate" has arrived dead last on "DWTS" the past two weeks, yet keeps coming back for more like Freddy Krueger in cha-cha heels. How can she keep bombing out and still remain to samba another day? Because the judges' scores only count for part of the story. The viewer votes constitute the other part, and it's the couple with the lowest combined score that gets the neatly choreographed boot.

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Bristol Palin, who despite painfully flubbing her way through waltzes and cha-chas, has miraculously secured a spot in the final five of the weekly competition. She has consistantly gotten the lowest scores from the "DWTS" judges, yet "America" keeps her chugging along and booting off more, uh, talented contestants like Audrina Patridge. Thank God "The Situation" is still around.

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Apparently I'm out of touch with the "American People" -- which probably is not that surprising since my composite of the "American People" is a doughy, white, Latino-hating, gay weary, Whopper eating, "Teen Mom" watching, Bible spitting, tea-party yelling mob from some buck-toothed state in the middle of the country who are constantly whining about how the rest of us -- the "non-American People" -- are ruining "their" country.

And how Obama spends his days kneeling on his Muslim prayer rug chanting for more dead babies, a Federal Government takeover and an arugula salad in every bowl. Because he's a hippie, elitist, commie terrorist. And a Nigerian citizen. And a black Panther who hates small business owners, wants to shackle the family doctor to an assembly line, rape Suburban mothers and take their husband's money -- before catching a quick pick-up basketball game with LeBron James, Lil Wayne and the rest of the black mafia -- while racking up taxpayer bills for his uppity wife's fancy Spanish wardrobe on the blood, sweat and tears of the hardworking, Coors swilling, Joe six packs who built this country, dammit.

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"Audrina is going to [expletive] rise. She's got class," said the elder Patridge, "You know why? She's a Polish, Catholic, [expletive] full-on Italian."

At this point, reports claim she took a dainty sip from her club soda and lemon before continuing.

"I've had it. I've been a celebrity mom eight years through this Hills bullshit, but Audrina's going to the next level, baby. [Expletive] "Hills" girls -- "Hills" tramps! My baby's a star!"

Clearly moved, the reporters -- in a rare act of respect and deference -- placed their cameras on the ground and gave Lynn a round of applause that escalated to a crescendo as she closed out her remarks by graciously acknowledging her daughter's co-stars.

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I'm not going to say that America rejected Florence because of that unfortunate "finger-lick/cougar scowl/breast fondle" move, but when Bristol Palin wanders around a dance floor aimlessly in a monkey suit and still gets more viewer votes, we have to assume something didn't quite click.  

Tonight, the remaining seven couples performed two dances for "Rock Week" -- including a marathon session where couples were picked off one by one -- worst to best -- and rewarded accordingly.

Audrina Patridge

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"I, uh, you know -- don't think of it as getting eliminated if you will -- per se."

No?

"Some people may call it 'an elimination'-- but that's just a fallacy that goes back to prehistoric kindergarten."

Uh huh

 "…I'm the freakin' grandpappy pimp in the MIA, yo…"

 OK

 "…with the GTL to stay FTD…"

Right

"The Situation moves ON. Finds a chick who's DTF –- no grenades or landmines…

No what?

"Grenades or landmines. Grenade's a big ugly chick and a landmine's a thinner ugly chick…"

Oh

"…gotta get my SMASH on."

I see

"And not with that broad Angelina. She's like the Staten Island ferry -- it's free, and everyone gets a ride."

Alright

"'Dancing with the Stars' has been ah-ight, but there's no dancing on that show – not really"

You don't think so? 

"They should call it 'hopping to trumpety crap while they talk smack about your feet.'  That's not dancing."

It's not?

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And I guess they did. She wasn't the strongest dancer on the show by a long shot, but she certainly wasn't the weakest. I think her biggest challenge was that America doesn't stomach complexity on these shows; we don't want to wrestle with layers of personality or reward messy crises of confidence. We want our Situation's simple, our Palin's innocent, our Brandy's sweet and our Grey's black and white. And Margaret was never a single note gal.

Kurt Warner

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Somewhere in all of the D-list rump shaking, the sparkliest series outside of "RuPaul's Drag Race" has become strangely meaningful. The show, which has showcased such unlikely hoofers as Tom DeLay and Kate Gosselin in its five years on the air, took a statement-laden turn right from its first week of this season, when Bristol Palin shimmied out of a gray suit to the strains of "Mama Told Me Not to Come." Adolescent desire. Parental restriction. Metaphor! Then last week, as Bristol boogied  to -- continued metaphor alert! -- "You Can't Hurry Love," Mama herself showed up. And when the former governor of Alaska's appearance seemed to coincide with the audience's vocal disapproval of Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough's scores from the judges, the press had a field day reporting that Sarah Palin had been jeered by a throng of politically outraged ballroom dance aficionados. But it was this week's "storytelling" episode, rife with sequins and The Situation as it was, that sealed the show's status as the embodiment of everything America cares about and stands for, circa late 2010.

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Yeah, I worked really hard on my karaoke rendition of "Making Love Out of Nothing at All" at the pirate-themed "Purple Parrot" lesbian bar in Rehoboth Beach this summer, but you don't see me sending a video audition to Royal Caribbean. 

Michael was fatally out of his element -- like Meg Whitman at a working class neighborhood pancake breakfast -- and no amount of hard work was ever going to save him.

So, it's on with the show for Story Night!

Jennifer Grey

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 Girl, PLEASE. 

You and I both know we don't want to be sitting here weeks from now reading about how beautiful Jennifer Grey's dress was and how an endlessly perky Kyle has mastered the Fox Trot. So, let's get our priorities straight, people. 

Rick Fox

My first reaction to Rick Fox is to be put off by the movie star smile. I instantly picture him in a champagne room somewhere with Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan doing blow off a Laker cheerleader and I'm annoyed. But I've got to hand it to him -- tonight he took that 6'7" frame of his and bounced around the stage like a Mormon missionary in an "Up with People" revue. 

Score: 21

Florence Henderson

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Audrina Patridge

"I'm so excited we're doing the cha cha," says Audrina Patridge of "The Hills", clearly SO excited. These types of girls are always pretty excited though -- in that "I just need to white knuckle it until Paris shows up with another 8-ball of blow" kind of way. Audrina has the timeless innocence of a newborn, and the brainpower to match. "Whose floor is this?" her partner Tony asks to get her psyched up for her performance, as she looks at him blankly wondering if it's a trick question. "The gym's," she thinks to herself, "isn't it?"

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Tom Bergeron and Brooke Burke, hosts of the ABC ballroom competition, announced the cast Monday.

"The Brady Bunch" matriarch Florence Henderson, retired Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner, "Jersey Shore" co-star Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino and Bristol Palin are among the 12 celebrities who will be paired with professional dance partners and train before their prime-time premiere Sept. 20. How does Palin's mother feel about her dancing gig?

"She's excited for me," said Bristol. "She knows that this is going to be hard work, but she's excited."

Also competing for the mirrorball trophy will be: "When a Man Loves a Woman" singer Michael Bolton, comedian-actress Margaret Cho, former Los Angeles Lakers forward Rick Fox, "Dirty Dancing" actress Jennifer Grey, "Baywatch" actor David Hasselhoff, Disney Channel star Kyle Massey, singer-actress Brandy Norwood and "The Hills" co-star Audrina Patridge.

"I'm happy to be here," said Hasselhoff. "My two daughters love this show, and they convinced me."

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