One night, while sipping wine in my apartment, we started adding items to the list of lascivious things we wanted to do together:

A shopping spree at a sex shop.
A threesome with another woman.
Sex clubs.
Light S&M.
Role playing.
Orgasm control.

I didn’t even know what “orgasm control” was. It sounded frightening.

“Anything else?” I asked.

There was one other thing Sophia wanted on our compendium of carnal delights: an open relationship. Sophia, who was openly bisexual, was convinced monogamy wasn’t for her, even though she’d never tried polyamory herself.

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I live in a medium-size metropolitan area and sometimes use dating sites and Craigslist to meet men for casual dating/hookups. Several years ago I was duped by a man who misrepresented himself by using 20-year-old photos. Which I discovered by meeting him in public.

Fast-forward a year or so and I again went to meet someone I had met online and lo and behold, he was in the establishment, which he quickly exited. Of course, no one matched the photo of the person I thought I was meeting. He followed me to my destination and then continued to send me messages, which I ignored. There was another incident as well, where he was in the same establishment as I was and again, he sent me messages. Fast-forward again until present day ... every site I go on, he contacts me, always using fake photos and different email addresses. I know this because I use Google image search and the photos always end up matching a scam artist or various profiles that contain a certain phrase or names the predator has used in the past. I experience a lot of anxiety now, while attempting to meet men online, always wondering if it is the wolf in disguise, yet again.

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Since the beginning of our relationship, of one year, my boyfriend always criticizes everything. He had a hard time when his father died because of alcohol, when he was about 12 or 13, and he considers himself to be very  mature because of that. I never had such a thing going on in my family. He is socially awkward, and just because the world isn't made for him, and how he wants the world to be, he just stays inside, since then, playing video games all day. He has a very sharp mind, he got into the university to study maths. But he left it. I'm always trying to remind him how smart he is and that he shouldn't leave it behind. He always says, "And what do you know?"

All I know is that I love him and I don't want him to be sad. And he calls me immature. When we are hanging with his friends I almost don't talk in order to avoid his criticism of me later when heading home. When we started dating he said that one of the reasons that he's dating me was that I was very mature. And now he takes it back.

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I'm serious about having the punk conversation, and have received some interesting mail already. I'm answering a "regular" letter today but will be turning to the above topic intermittently in the coming weeks. -- ct

Dear Cary,

So many people in the dating world talk about "deal breakers," their list of no-no's that immediately ousts a potential partner and ranges from "no drug-addictions" to "no socks with sandals." I have trouble making ultimatums, life just seems too complicated. It makes sense to have some boundaries, but this is love, not border patrol.

On the top of this list are always: no cheating, no abuse, no dishonesty.

Cheating and abuse I can draw a red line at. But never telling your spouse that no, their nose hairs aren't too noticeable? I find this idea to be completely unrealistic and wonder if smug couples who claim to be always 100-percent honest with each other are in fact lying to themselves.

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I am 20, for the past year I have been in an on-again, off-again sexual relationship with a grad student at my university who is six years my senior; let's call him X. Most recently, X and I have been on-again, and he is going to graduate from his program in a few weeks. X told me he didn't want anything exclusive, so I have been with several other guys at the same time I have been with him. The problem is, X doesn't want to have sex again. The last time we did it, it frankly sucked; neither of us was properly aroused, and the next day I texted him to say that it would be better the next time, and he replied that he was sure it would be. There hasn't been a next time, and it is really bothering me because X has been willing to run errands for me and even hang out with me and my best friend, but he has spurned all my advances, saying things like, "You don't even need me, you get so many guys." I resent that, Cary; I especially resent it because he most recently told me that I was "by far the sluttiest" out of the 13 women he has been with in his life. I don't understand why he suddenly lost interest in me sexually, yet is still willing to do me favors and text me every day. I asked him point-blank, "Are you sick of me?" and he told me he was. He says it isn't because I have been with other guys besides him, but I don't see what else it could be. It's incredibly frustrating because I can have sex with other guys, but I want him one more time. Do you have any ideas why somebody would just lose sexual interest all of a sudden? Do you think he could be insecure because I am so openly sexual and the women in his past were not?

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Regarding my last two columns, this one and this one, I seem to have made an error that was offensive to many people who identify as bisexual, and I apologize. I do. I really do. I can really fall in love with my own nonsense sometimes. And to those who have written agreeing with me, I appreciate it, but I think I was wrong.

Here is the flaw in my thinking, courtesy of a kindly scholar of argument:

"Logically, your position relies on a fallacy of amphiboly that confuses two different uses of the term 'two.'  Being attracted to 'two' sexes is not the same thing as wanting 'two' partners. Could a bisexual person be polyamorous?  Sure. But so could a heterosexual person. You say that being lesbian means one wants to be partners with women (etc).  Does that mean that being a lesbian means that one wants to be partners with ALL women?  More than one woman? By extension, does being heterosexual (man wants to be partners with women) mean that a man wants to be partners with ALL women? More than one? Besides, being bisexual doesn't mean that one has 'two' attractions.  It means that one’s preferences don’t necessarily depend on sex.  It’s not that you want to have sex with 'both' men and women.  It’s just as easily that you want to have sex with either a man or a woman."

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I am a single parent looking to get back into dating, and perhaps even to meet someone that I fall madly in love with. As I have not had much luck out there in the real world I have decided to try out online dating websites.

I have an ethical dilemma. My child has a mild intellectual disability. Obviously there are men out there who would be willing to date a woman who already has a child, but when should I mention that my child is not what they may expect (in many wonderful ways, I think). If I mention this upfront, I doubt anyone will ever want to get to know me at all, but if I don't mention it up front I feel like I am being misleading.

Thank you for any insight you may offer,

Single For Nine Years and Counting

Dear Single,

I don't think you are being misleading if, in talking with someone you have just met, you don't immediately mention that your child has a mild intellectual disability.

When should you mention it? You should mention it when you know someone well enough that you feel comfortable mentioning it. As to how to present yourself in this online dating forum, I would avoid wherever possible the tendency to list your attributes and deficiencies, as though you could be reduced to  a checklist.

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Me? I may have done the most heroic thing of all. I went on Match.com for a year.

The thing was, I had just done something brave, which was to write a memoir with my son, tour the East Coast together, and appear on stages before hundreds of people at a time. But one dream coming true doesn't mean you give up on other lifelong dreams. You're not dream-greedy to want, say, a cool career and a mate. And having realized this one long-shot dream with my grown child gave me the confidence to try something even harder: to date.

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My most recent ex-boyfriend, after our breakup, told me that I was one of the "few" people he knew who never flirted — and he said he appreciated that, because he never had to worry or feel jealous. More recently, a close male friend made a similar point, saying that not flirting and not having any romantic or sexual undertones in my relationships with male friends was characteristic of me but not necessarily of other women he knew.

I'm not sure why I'm like this, and I don't know whether it's a product of my disposition or of poor socialization (really). I guess my take on flirting is, why do it if you don't mean it? I've had a few male friends confess that they were attracted to me, and that was awkward enough — I think if I'd ever flirted with them, even in a non-serious, friendly context, they would've been more likely to believe that the feeling was mutual (as it was, they seemed like they were rightly anticipating a "thanks, but no thanks"). When guys flirt with me, all I can usually manage is to laugh it off uncomfortably, and the guys I've dated have generally been like me, addressing men and women in the same straightforward and friendly-but-totally-unflirtatious way.

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According to an analysis of "missed connections" on Craigslist, lots of singles are experiencing love at first sight at Wal-Mart -- not for the latest entertainment center on sale, but for fellow discount shoppers. It was the most popular "missed connections" location in 15 states. I guess it's time to add low prices and the homogenization of culture to the list of the world's proven aphrodisiacs.

Dorothy Gambrell, a cartoonist and graphic designer, put together an infographic for Psychology Today based on the last 100 "missed connections" ads in each state. The result is an orgy of stereotypes: Californians fell for strangers at 24 Hour Fitness; whereas Kansas favored McDonald's (there's nothing like the smell of a deep fryer to get you in the mood). Of course, New Yorkers spotted fantasy mates all romantic-comedy-like on the subway and Nevadans at the casino. Curiously, most "missed connections" in Indiana happened "at home." (I'm trying to imagine what those ads are like: "Looking for mysterious stranger caught peeking in my window"? "Saw you on TV giving bunny ears to the local newscaster"? )

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I had come to New York from Los Angeles to collect the engagement ring I’d commissioned for the girl I wasn’t certain I wanted to marry. Five months earlier I had moved to Los Angeles to pursue a job in “the industry,” and I found everything about “the industry” industrially inauthentic. That May, New York represented everything I worried I might never have.

Couples streamed into Central Park, enjoying the late light. Pinstriped professionals knocked off early from work to catch the first evening of the summer, strolling with their elegant wives on the side streets off of Park Avenue. They seemed, all of them, on their way to riches and happiness.

I’d had the ring designed by James de Givenchy, formerly of Christie’s, now an independent designer of jewelry for, I imagined, the rich and happy. James was no doubt slumming it with me and my six-carat pin-cushion sapphire, with its barely perceptible hairline fracture that made it affordable to me, and I was grateful for his attention. He was glamorous in an easy, aristo-French, signet ring way. Unlike the rest of the sloppily preppy Upper East Siders I knew, James was always beautifully turned out; bespoke Charvet shirts and well-cut jackets, jeans always dark and new. I wanted him to be my friend.

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Her solution? Invite the Internet along and crowdsource your smalltalk. It's Cyrano de Bergerac for the Twitter age, and it's called Social Turkers.

Here's how it works: McCarthy sets her iPhone on the table and hits record. Instantly, she is broadcasting a video and audio stream of the date in real time. The video stream is then viewed by Amazon's Mechanical Turk users, a crowdsourcing service that allows you to post small tasks that people anywhere in the world can complete.

And as reported by Anya Kamenetz at Fast Company, during the date the "social Turkers" answer polls, write reviews of what they are seeing unfold and send text messages to McCarthy's iPhone suggesting what to say or do next.

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I'm not really sure how to parse the stream of thoughts that got me to "I can't turn off my thoughts" ... that's probably because they're anxious thoughts, and they're running around all over the place. I guess I'll start by saying that I recently started online dating.

I don't think that I'm a good "dater." I'd much rather skip ahead and either be branded girlfriend or left alone. The in-between is not fun for me. I get anxious, paranoid and insecure. I've had a lot of false starts lately, so online dating seemed more deliberate -- a better way to get to the point. And in fact, I've met someone I like. We've been seeing each other for over a month now. My problem is that I can't let go from there.

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Two quick notes. One, I'll be leading a Sunday afternoon writing mini-retreat in Mill Valley, Calif., Jan. 27 from 1 to 6 p.m. for the writing group Write On Mamas. They're a great bunch of people and it's a good way to experience the Amherst Writers and Artists method. Two, for folks in the Gainesville, Fla., area, or who would like to travel there, I'm putting together a creative retreat in the beautiful little town of Melrose, on Lake Santa Fe, the week of April 5 through 12. The main event will happen over the weekend of Friday through Monday, April 5-8. There also may be workshops on the 9th through the 11th. Please email info@carytennis.com if you are interested! And I hope you are! I love Melrose! I've got lots of friends there!

Dear Cary,

I want something different but I'm not sure how to move forward. I'm hoping a little of your insight can help me get motivated in this new year, full of new opportunity.

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If you're lucky, Facebook spits back a few profile pics at you, and you're suddenly ready to buy someone a drink who is already pre-approved for your personal checklist. You're a happy participant in the future of search, Facebook-style.

The scenario is just one of countless permutations conceivably made possible by Facebook's newest next big thing, Graph Search, unveiled Tuesday morning to the accompaniment of a zillion simultaneous tweets and live blogs. Graph Search, despite its stolid name, looks like a big deal, a way for Facebook to exploit everything it knows about you and your network of friends to deliver customized search results that Google can't touch. Depending on which analyst you care to believe, Graph Search could savage not just Google's stranglehold on search, but also the existing business models for online dating, job search services, Yelp, Craigslist and who knows what else.

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I'm writing to you with hopes of salvaging a friendship that seems all but lost.

I remained close with my friend Tommy after graduating college in 2008. About a year ago, he reconnected with an old high school friend named Laura, whom he had messaged out of the blue on Facebook after seeing that she had become single. He asked if she wanted to hang out, and she suggested they go to a hockey game that she already had tickets for. For Tommy, getting dates was a rare occurrence, and he was excited for what he considered to be a date with a very pretty girl.

But for Laura, the night out was no date, just a fun hockey game with an old friend. Here's where I come in. After the game, Tommy and Laura swung by a restaurant where I was having dinner with a friend. The four of us talked only for a brief time, but I had a feeling Laura was flirting with me. I didn't think anything of it, though, and Tommy and Laura left to get drinks at an upscale bar where Tommy had made reservations and footed the bill.

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The Atlantic recently published an excerpt from journalist Dan Slater's upcoming book. The piece was headlined, "A Million First Dates: How Online Romance Is Threatening Monogamy," and was accompanied by a series of illustrations showing a scruffy young guy who is more riveted by his online dating service than the women in his real life (surely you can picture the artwork without even seeing it; just imagine any illustration that has ever accompanied an article about video games or porn). It centered around some compelling questions: "What if online dating makes it too easy to meet someone new?" and "What if the prospect of finding an ever-more-compatible mate with the click of a mouse means a future of relationship instability, in which we keep chasing the elusive rabbit around the dating track?"

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Just ... not originally.

The shots are found on the Instagram account Antidates, which carries the explanatory tag line, "actual responses to dating ads. they never had a chance." It's one of several sites that have popped up with the express purpose of making fun of tactless online daters -- and the vast majority happen to be men attempting to court women. (This is no doubt in large part because men are more often the initiators on online dating sites, and there is something inherently awkward about initiating contact with a person you've only met virtually.) It isn't just absurd self-portraits -- most of the sites focus on outrageous come-ons, off-putting self-descriptions and horrific misspellings.

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