Dick Cheney
Dick Cheney’s secret resignation letter
We got our hands on it, or a reasonable facsimile
Dick Cheney Former Vice President Dick Cheney reveals in his new memoir that in March of 2001, he wrote a secret letter of resignation, to be used in the event that he was unable to fulfill his duties. He wrote the letter, he tells NBC, because “there is no mechanism for getting rid of a vice president who can’t function,” and Cheney had a history of heart attacks. He locked the letter in a safe, and told only the president and one trusted aide about its existence. No one has ever seen the letter — until now.
Salon.com’s War Room Secret Vice Presidential Correspondence Recovery Team tracked down the letter by following an elaborate series of clues Cheney placed around Washington, D.C. We reveal the contents of Cheney’s secret letter of resignation below:
The Office of the Vice President
March 15, 2001
Dear Mr. President:
If you’re reading this, it means one of the following things has happened:
- I’ve had a debilitating heart attack and am unable to function.
- I’m on the lam, likely somewhere in South America, because they finally found out about the incident in 1973.
- I became irradiated at a secret energy task force meeting and have grown to 10 times my original size, losing, in the process, my very humanity.
- I went to Mexico with Lynne and “pulled a William S. Burroughs.”
- I’m locked in my man-size safe.
And so I voluntarily and of my own accord hereby tender my resignation from the Office of the Vice President of the United States, effective immediately … on the following conditions:
- Check the man-size safe.
- Don’t you dare replace me with that sonuvabitch Hagel.
- In fact, just replace me with David Addington.
There’s nothing I regret more than leaving you, Mr. President, without the sage counsel of your trusted vice president, besides the 1973 thing, but America must move forward in what I am assuming is a time of great national grief at my untimely departure from office. I know you’ll do fine in my absence, but there are some things you should know.
The key to the Resolute Desk’s top-right drawer is in the kitchen behind Barney’s food. Torture is legal. If America is attacked by terrorists, Saddam Hussein is responsible. Pat Leahy can go fuck himself. Colin Powell is wrong about whatever he just advised you to do. So is Condi, probably. And Ashcroft, unless he was talking about porn or something. There’s nothing the American government can do that the private sector — specifically the Halliburton portion of the private sector — can’t do better and more efficiently. If you really really want to wiretap someone you probably don’t need a warrant. If you ever get stuck writing a state of the union, just say something about a manned mission to Mars. Make sure the Justice Department is only hiring and retaining good conservative U.S. attorneys. Don’t try to use the coffee machine in the Cabinet Room. It doesn’t work right and also you’re the president, you shouldn’t be making your own coffee.
I think that about sums up all the possible advice I would’ve given you had I remained capable of fulfilling my duties for the entirety of your time in office. (Did I mention that torture is legal?)
One last, personal note: There’s no doubt in my mind that you’ll be remembered as one of the best, most effective presidents America’s ever known, but just in case it looks like there is some doubt of that, try to make sure everything is as fucked up as possible on your way out of office. The American people, in their infinite wisdom, will pretty much forget it was your fault within six months of the next poor bastard taking over.
Sincerely,
Richard Cheney
P.S. If you find the time, have someone shoot Harry Whittington in the face. He knows what he did.
Alex Pareene writes about politics for Salon and is the author of "The Rude Guide to Mitt." Email him at apareene@salon.com and follow him on Twitter @pareene More Alex Pareene.
Why people become chickenhawks
A new study sheds light on why non-veterans like Cheney and Limbaugh are such avid militarists
Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney Since at least the Iraq War if not earlier, chickenhawkery has been a hallmark of American politics. From the 101st Fighting Keyboarders to the professional Draft-Dodging Neoconservatives to the Self-Labeled “Liberal Hawks” who disproportionately populate Washington green rooms, our nation’s scowling legion of chickenhawks has sculpted a new archetype — that of the chest-thumping pundit/politician who aggressively demands others fight and die in wars, but who himself either refuses to enlist or fled the battlefield when his country called.
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David Sirota is a best-selling author of the new book "Back to Our Future: How the 1980s Explain the World We Live In Now." He hosts the morning show on AM760 in Colorado. E-mail him at ds@davidsirota.com, follow him on Twitter @davidsirota or visit his website at www.davidsirota.com. More David Sirota.
Dick Cheney’s big fracking mess
How not to protect our drinking water: Prohibit the EPA from regulating new mining technologies
A worker at EnCana's Frenchie Draw gas-drilling rig in central Wyoming guides sections of steel pipe into an 11,000-foot well on September 19, 2009. People living near gas drilling facilities in states including Pennsylvania, Colorado, New Mexico and Wyoming have complained that their water has turned cloudy, foul-smelling, or even black as a result of chemicals used in a drilling technique called hydraulic fracturing, or "fracking." To match feature ENERGY/FRACKING-WATER REUTERS/Jon Hurdle (UNITED STATES SCI TECH ENVIRONMENT)(Credit: Reuters) “Hydrofracked: One man’s quest for answers about natural gas drilling,” by ProPublica reporter Abrahm Lustgarten, is the best story I have seen so far about the potential environmental dangers posed by “fracking” — the relatively new practice in which huge quantities of water and chemicals are pumped underground to mine for natural gas. After reading Lustgarten’s fair and thorough reporting, it’s pretty clear that fracking technology is much more of a threat to drinking water supplies than the industry would like us to believe.
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Andrew Leonard is a staff writer at Salon. On Twitter, @koxinga21. More Andrew Leonard.
Dick Cheney “worships” Paul Ryan
The man who famously said that deficits don't matter fawns over the GOP's new face of harsh budget cuts
Cong. Paul Ryan (R-Janesville) arrives for his town hall meeting about his Federal budget plan,Thursday April 28, 2011 at the Waterford Village Hall. in "Waterford, Wis. (AP Photo/The Journal Times, Mark Hertzberg)(Credit: AP) During a rare public appearance in Houston Wednesday, Dick Cheney expressed his feelings about Paul Ryan, the House Budget Committee chairman whose budget blueprint — which calls for turning Medicare into a voucher program — has become a lightning rod for controversy.
“I worship the ground the Paul Ryan walks on,” said the former vice president, Politico noted via the Houston Chronicle.
Continue Reading CloseNatasha Lennard covers the Occupy movement for Salon. A British-born, Brooklyn-based journalist, she has been covering Occupy Wall Street since before the first sleeping bag was unrolled in Zuccotti Park. One of the first journalists arrested at an Occupy action, she has managed to enrage Andrew Breitbart, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck. You can follow her on Twitter (@natashalennard), and email her any Occupy updates/videos/ideas to natasha.lennard@gmail.com More Natasha Lennard.
Fox News congratulates Bush for bin Laden
Plus, Fox affiliates and other networks confuse "Osama" with "Obama"
Screenshot from Fox News website Update (14:45): Even the BBC committed the dreaded faux pas.
Update (13:44): Yet another typo to report on, this time from CNN. Wonkette noted that CNN.com reported there was “no indication Obama tried to surrender.”
Natasha Lennard covers the Occupy movement for Salon. A British-born, Brooklyn-based journalist, she has been covering Occupy Wall Street since before the first sleeping bag was unrolled in Zuccotti Park. One of the first journalists arrested at an Occupy action, she has managed to enrage Andrew Breitbart, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck. You can follow her on Twitter (@natashalennard), and email her any Occupy updates/videos/ideas to natasha.lennard@gmail.com More Natasha Lennard.
Observations from a day of watching CPAC on TV
How Newt Gingrich balanced the budget, Reagan worship, Rick Santorum's odd music choice
Newt Gingrich(Credit: AP) Unlike Justin Elliott, I am not at CPAC. But I am watching it on C-Span.
Mitch McConnell, this morning: Opposing campaign finance reform was “like trying to get a deaf dog off a meat truck.”
David Bossie: “There’s only one man who can claim to have balanced the federal budget, and that’s Newt Gingrich.”
Newt Gingrich entered to “Eye of the Tiger.” (I think he does this all the time, actually.) Then he compared the supposedly anti-job Obama administration unfavorably to … the German government. You know, the one with the VAT and the high personal income taxes and the mass unionization. Gingrich then suggested replacing the EPA with the “Environmental Solutions Agency.” (Maybe he thinks the “P” stands for “problems”?)
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Alex Pareene writes about politics for Salon and is the author of "The Rude Guide to Mitt." Email him at apareene@salon.com and follow him on Twitter @pareene More Alex Pareene.
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