Pretty much anything passes for higher education these days. Enterprising institutions routinely offer programs in cosmetology, astrology, thimble repair, linen folding and bikini waxing. But hey, if it’s at a university, it must be rigorous, right? And these academic pursuits, let’s not forget, do lead to jobs.

Coming out of high school, I was in search of a career that would make my family proud and let me show off my true talents. So naturally I applied to clown college. Like any institution of higher learning, this meant extensive research: talking with guidance counselors, reading the viewbooks and underground accounts of campus life, consulting the U.S. News rankings and other magazines touting the “best values” in clown education, visiting campuses and chatting with current students (not the mimes, of course).

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