I'm a college graduate in my late 20s.  I graduated a few years ago but I did not find a "good" job after college.  I'm still in the process of making a career change.  I went back to school a few years ago for a certification and I'm currently working as an intern.  I work another part-time job just so I can pay bills.  It may take me a few years to reach solid ground.  For now, I absolutely hate how broke I am and I hate living at home.

Last night, I got in a huge fight with my mother over something others may perceive as trivial.  Basically, she threw away some possessions of mine that I had no intention of throwing away.  It enraged me more than it would have enraged a logical, levelheaded person.  Today, I've been thinking about my life and I realize why I went crazy.  I hate that at my age, I still have to fight with my mom about respecting my things.  I hate that I am furious, but I feel I have no right to be since I still live at home.  

Continue Reading...

My fiancé and I are a pair of deeply-in-love 20-somethings who, like any young couple, have had our share of rough financial patches. We're both very hardworking people and have always managed to stay afloat without any handouts. I recently lost my job during the holidays and am scrambling to find work while saving for our rent next month. I told my fiancé that if we were still short on cash I could borrow a hundred bucks from my father for a bit just to tide us over.

During the conversation he casually said that his parents told him as soon as he turned 18 and moved out that they would never help him financially again, as he is now an adult and therefore must be completely independent. That seemed reasonable enough, but upon inquiry he went on to say that even if he were in dire monetary straits and facing eviction that they would still refuse to lend him even a hundred dollars.

Continue Reading...

I have a problem with my family, friends and co-workers. They all believe that I am a lesbian. I do wear my hair short and on many days, I can look softly butch. I'll admit that I do not date nor do I allow anyone to set me up. I do socialize mostly with women.

But I am uncomfortable when people try to bait me, such as admiring a woman and asking my opinion about her. My relatives preach to me about the sins of being gay but no one believes that I am not gay. My co-workers encourage me to come out of the closet. How do I change this perception of myself short of dating or other extreme actions?

Just Wanna Enjoy My Solitude

Dear Just Wanna Enjoy My Solitude,

Social progress often brings novel forms of rudeness.

We Americans want everyone to be a lesbian and we want it now.

Can you blame us for erring on the side of zealotry in our support of personal liberation? We have had in our history far too many closets, too many whipping posts and slave holds, too many hanging trees and burnings.

Continue Reading...

Well, heck. It's not like I'm cynical. I'm not. It's just that the following letter is the letter for today, which means the one for the Thanksgiving holiday, where families typically get together and feast, is a letter about a pretty jerky and self-involved dad.

So I'm not trying to indicate that all families are bad. Lots of people have wonderful families. I love my family. But for all those out there whose families are a source of pain and embarrassment and fear, I'd just like to remind everybody that a lot of us have to make our own families, and we do, and that's what we're doing in all our online communities and at work and with our friends and all that. We're making our own families. And some are big and transcend boundaries and some are small and congregate on street corners, but there's something great about just being with people, so I will just say it, because I am not really cynical: We are family.

Have a good holiday.
Best,
Cary T.

Oh, P.S., I almost didn't run this letter because it had all lowercase and I had to put in all the uppercase, All by Myself. Poor me. Come on, people, there's a shift key.

Continue Reading...

When my mom first was showing signs of dementia I was adamant that "something must be done" as I got married, started a new career, and quickly had two small children. Naturally, what I did was try to convince my mother to move into town, stop driving her car, and consider visiting a neurologist. My older brother, who lived much closer than my 1,500 plus miles, shrugged like it was no big deal. I should mention that both of us were still in our 30s, one of us (ahem, me) quite at the low end.

Fast-forward almost seven years and now my mother had moved in with my brother, only to move out and into assisted living in the same city where he resides. Not even in the same state where she lived prior to this upheaval, but very close and much more similar culturally, weather-wise, and a million other ways than my own state of California. Much. As my older brother goes through a divorce (no children) and continues on his path of creating, working, and great success, he has grown incredibly frustrated with the burden of caring for a parent with a very rare form of Alzheimer's. While her facility does do a lot, she has always felt that family should do most of the caretaking and is constantly reaching out to my brother for help. For my part, I visit four times a year to help relieve the burden, and call often. In fact, my brother will tell me when he has a weekend he needs to focus and I'll check in multiple times to make sure she does not disturb him. Still, it's not even close to the job my brother has taken on at an early age.

Continue Reading...

Prosecutors in the central Yaroslavl region said the unidentified woman, described as a devout Pentecostal Christian with a psychiatric record, was so distraught when her husband died of natural causes in 2009 that she believed he "was bound to resurrect."

An investigation was opened after the body was found in a dumpster in a plastic bag in July.

The prosecutors' office said Monday that the woman kept the cadaver in a bed in a room of her apartment and asked her children to talk to it and feed it.

The office says two children decided to dispose of the body when the family moved to another apartment.

Continue Reading...

My best friend's sister has been diagnosed with cancer. She is getting treatment in another city 1,500 miles away. Her doctor has assured her that he has a 97-percent cure rate with this cancer and we are all thrilled at that news.

Their mom had heart surgery last year and has recovered at about the pace expected for her age (70). For weeks, my bestie and her siblings did not tell their mother about their sister's cancer because they didn't want to upset her. They finally had to tell Mom and she is worried (of course) and furious because she wasn't told immediately.

For the last year all I have heard is, Mom can't do this, can't be told this, can't be upset, can't cook, garden, clean like she used to and so on. Well, Mom is still able to drive and hit the bingo parlors three times a week and get her shopping and hair done, so I think Mom is doing pretty well and is no more fragile today than she was before the surgery.

Continue Reading...

He wasn’t talking about me leaving to go back home. I was home. Or rather, I was in their home, having moved back into my parents’ house about a year before. He was really asking when I planned on getting my life together. And it’s not that I didn’t agree with him, it’s just that I didn’t feel quite ready to give up my life of leisure, at least not yet.

It’s not like I didn’t watch my high school and college friends fall into line, one by one. As they became more stable, settling into lives that seemed plucked from the pages of an Ikea catalog, I strangely found myself regressing, exploring things that most people got out of their system when they graduated high school. As my friends hung works of art in their freshly painted foyers, I tacked up Michael J. Fox posters on my bedroom wall. As they set up savings accounts and monthly budgets in Excel spreadsheets, I dipped into my paltry funds for beer money. We looked at each other like we were different species and in a way we were: They were Homo sapiens maturus and I was Homo sapiens immaturus. If we mated, we’d probably start a whole new breed of human being.

Continue Reading...

I am writing to ask your advice on how to proceed with my father. Five years ago this month my mother got her diagnosis of liver cancer, the day of her 60th birthday. Her initial diagnosis was six to 12 months, and she passed after four years of treatment, so technically she "beat the odds." She and my father saved scrupulously during their 40-year marriage -- he working sometimes seven days a week, 12 hours a day as a union boilermaker (pressure-vessel welder) and she handling every other aspect of our lives. All he had to do was work, and she took care of the rest. We lived comfortably, and they were able to take four big vacations a year once retired.

He led a rough life before meeting my mother. His childhood ended at 14 when his father left his mother with four kids, and he had to work after school to feed the family, eventually going to vocational school instead of following his dream of being a doctor. He was in the Air Force in Vietnam as an engine mechanic and generally led a wild and carousing-oriented life until Mom came along and "tamed" him. Mom was one of those people who saw the best person you could be when she looked at you, and behaved accordingly, expecting you to do the same.

Continue Reading...

What is my role, or rather what should my role be, in an ongoing conflict between my 15-year-old daughter and her father?

Many years ago, I began to notice that my husband had begun ignoring our eldest daughter. I became very concerned and eventually suggested that he needs to spend more time with her and show interest in her experiences and passions. My "parenting advice" fell on deaf ears and he continued to basically give her very little attention. I began to suspect that the more I vocalized my concern the more he pulled away from her so I decided to keep my mouth shut.  We have two other younger children, a son and a daughter. They are both soft-spoken, easygoing, and are interested in similar things that my husband is interested in so he finds more common ground with them.  My husband is also extremely solicitous toward my son.  Toward our youngest daughter he shows some affection and attention but it is nothing like the doting relationship he has with our son.

Continue Reading...

If parents in Norway, a country with a robust public infrastructure to support families, aren't happy, one shudders to think what American moms and dads are up against. Researchers at Texas A&M University found that 90 percent of new parents reported a sudden deterioration in relationship and sexual functioning after having a baby, sudden -- but enduring. A majority of parents reported a persistent degree of unhappiness throughout the eight-year study, released in 2010.

Continue Reading...

At 20 years old, I suddenly find myself fatherless, and as the oldest child, the person my mother is leaning on.

My father had dwarfism, with severe respiratory problems and chronic pains that plagued him especially during the last five years of his life. Recently, my mother and he were in Spain on a trip. The universe is unsympathetic, and my mother ended up bringing his urn back home in her backpack. It was a huge shock to all of us, though after talking about his health lately among ourselves we have concluded it shouldn't have been; he was living on borrowed time. The doctors told him years ago that a reasonable life expectancy in his condition was 35 to 40 years old, and he was 54 when he died, and his breathing had gotten worse with every passing week. We also suspect he knew the end was near, though he never said anything or complained of more pain than usual.

Continue Reading...

When I was 18, I found out that my brother (I'll call him "T") had been sexually abused for years by a family friend. This friend had been one of our dad's drinking buddies. He would come over and they would get so sloshed together that this friend would end up spending the night. When it started, "T" was about 8.

It was found out by my mother (divorced from my father) who walked in on two of my other brothers engaged in fellatio. This was when I was 18, the other two brothers were 10 and 12 at the time. My mother called my father ... she had somehow connected all the dots already. The police came. "T," then 16, was questioned. "T" told everyone about how this family friend had been "raping" him for years. The family friend was indicted by a grand jury, and then a few days later shot himself before standing trial. My brother, a minor himself, went into counseling.

Continue Reading...

“It’s an advantage to have two parents," Romney said at NBC News' Education Nation Summit, "but to have one parent to stay closely connected and at home during those early years of education can be very, very important.”

Important? Maybe. Feasible for the vast majority of American families, be they two-parent or another configuration? Ha, ha, ha, as Romney himself might put it. As the National Organization for Women's Erin Matson tweeted with some understatement, "This is not a gender-neutral statement." Romney's rhetoric, if not his policy prescriptions, was getting at something fundamental, something that even in the mostly substance-free fracas over whether Ann Romney staying at home was "work," hasn't been part of the national discussion.

Continue Reading...

As those of us amateur IT experts who have been slogging through crawlspaces and tweaking network preferences well know, this is a dirty, tedious and complex job - but alas, in every Internet-embracing house, someone has to do it. Indeed, if someone doesn't do it, you not only lose out on some of the key benefits of the information age, but your family's increasingly computer-dependent life can quickly become a nightmare of indecipherable error messages and blue screens of death. Even in your home is ensconced in the seemingly safe and simplified Apple bubble, without a network expert, the bubble will inevitably be popped by ever-spinning rainbow pinwheels.

Continue Reading...

I read your column religiously. Now I am going to tell you my problem.

I am a mom of three teenagers, and divorced. I never even wanted to be a mom, but my ex had wanted kids. He was addicted to alcohol and cocaine, and although heartbroken that I left him, he is not at all a parent.

So, for the last few years, I have been single parenting, and finishing my degree. Here is the problem. At school, I get straight A's. But my first work experiences have not gone well. I think I have ADD -- inattentive. I am sure I have something -- maybe SCT -- sluggish cognitive tempo.

I am so aware of my deficiencies -- my tiredness, my slowness in understanding what is going on.

Half a year ago, my son had an accident. He is not quite the same since. He "hates" me. He is verbally abusive and is sometimes physically threatening. I lose my temper and threaten him that he can live with his dad. He doesn't want to, although he thinks his dad is a "good" parent. His dad does not want him, actually.

Continue Reading...

It's my turn. I need advice.

I opened my mail earlier this week and found a wedding announcement -- from my son. My son, whom I raised alone since he was 3 (he's 30 now).  My son, whose selfish temper tantrums through high school stopped me from dating women (and therefore, anybody) for years. Whose tour of duty in Iraq I gritted my teeth and “supported” him through despite my soul-level objection to his joining the Army.
The same son who, after he got his head right, volunteered -- practically begged -- to officiate at my wedding last year to a very sweet woman who rode out his homophobia until it was gone.

The son (my only child) about whom friends marvel, “You guys are SO close! It's heartwarming.”
He married his girlfriend of five years, which is whom he SHOULD marry -- and I've encouraged that for a long time. But eloping with no discussion with anyone (family, anyway) is disappointing, to say the least. There were no family issues going on about them; everyone on both sides was hoping for and expecting them to marry sometime soon. I'm sad that they've just taken a little jaunt downtown and gotten married in secret, taking away from everyone the opportunity to participate and celebrate. Certainly they have the RIGHT to elope -- but everything legal is not also a good idea.

Continue Reading...

Here's the situation: I've been married to my husband for 13 years. All but the first year have been miserable. He never adjusted to being a father -- never understood that his needs came second. He's terrible with money (mine, his and ours) and has plunged us into debt while I was in a coma by using my credit cards and borrowing money from my elderly father, which he spent on no one knows what. He refuses to take responsibility for any of his actions (it's always "that asshole"). He won't do anything fun with our kids (two girls -- ages 9 and 12) -- he'd rather sleep on the weekends. He has serious stress/anger management issues for which he refuses to seek help; he throws things, calls us names, punches walls and we never know what will set him off. He parents sporadically if at all -- since he "doesn't understand girls." He loses his temper and verbally abuses them. "Stupid cow" and "lazy bitch" are some of the things that spring to mind.

He took a pay cut when I returned to work so he didn't have to commute -- a cut of about one-third. Despite the fact that we can barely cover our debts. In short, he acts like a 3-year-old, and adds little if anything to our lives.

Continue Reading...

If you are in the San Francisco Bay Area on Monday, Aug. 27 (which may be either today or tomorrow depending on when you're reading this), please feel free to come to The Marsh on Valencia Street between 21st and 22nd Streets to see the premiere of my first-ever solo performance, "Rainbow Drive," about my weird hippie teenage years in suburban Hollywood, Fla.

Lots of 7's: It's at 7:30, it costs $7, and it's one of seven performances in the evening. The other six are intriguing, too. If you could make it, that would be cool. -ct

Dear Cary,

One of my close friends is a 20-year-old girl whom we'll call Kirsten. We've become friends over the past year, and I've realized that she has some very serious issues that need to be addressed.

One is her parents. She has an 8-year-old brother, and it appears as if her parents froze time when he was born. From what I've heard, they treat him like a baby and treat her like she's 12. It wouldn't even be that much of a problem if she didn't still live with them. She just graduated college (yes, young) and has no idea what she's going to do with her life, but she also has no plans to move out and wants to go to a local grad school. She doesn't seem to realize that her parents are the source of most of her troubles, but either way, the relationship is very strained, and they recently "grounded" her for getting into a car accident. It's absurd.

Continue Reading...

My daughter, age 16, lives with her mother and stepfather in the Bay Area, and is beginning her sophomore year of high school. My daughter and I have a warm relationship and she clearly depends on me in many ways, and I enjoy our frequent weekend visits and school holidays.   I have an older child, a son who is a fully launched adult.  I'm very proud of both my kids.

I've been offered a job in the Northwest and a chance to live with my sweetheart, whom I plan to marry.  I've been seeing a therapist about my inner conflict: pursuing a life beyond the Bay Area makes me feel guilty about leaving my daughter behind.  My therapist says I may be projecting my own childhood trauma on the current situation.  My parents divorced when I was 6, and my father died when I was 11.  I worry that I would be inflicting an injury on my daughter and perpetuating the pain of abandonment that I suffered as a child.  My therapist says I need to look at things clearly in the moment and take this individual decision on its own terms.

Continue Reading...