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He called me a slut but I want him

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Hey Cary,

I am 20, for the past year I have been in an on-again, off-again sexual relationship with a grad student at my university who is six years my senior; let's call him X. Most recently, X and I have been on-again, and he is going to graduate from his program in a few weeks. X told me he didn't want anything exclusive, so I have been with several other guys at the same time I have been with him. The problem is, X doesn't want to have sex again. The last time we did it, it frankly sucked; neither of us was properly aroused, and the next day I texted him to say that it would be better the next time, and he replied that he was sure it would be. There hasn't been a next time, and it is really bothering me because X has been willing to run errands for me and even hang out with me and my best friend, but he has spurned all my advances, saying things like, "You don't even need me, you get so many guys." I resent that, Cary; I especially resent it because he most recently told me that I was "by far the sluttiest" out of the 13 women he has been with in his life. I don't understand why he suddenly lost interest in me sexually, yet is still willing to do me favors and text me every day. I asked him point-blank, "Are you sick of me?" and he told me he was. He says it isn't because I have been with other guys besides him, but I don't see what else it could be. It's incredibly frustrating because I can have sex with other guys, but I want him one more time. Do you have any ideas why somebody would just lose sexual interest all of a sudden? Do you think he could be insecure because I am so openly sexual and the women in his past were not?

I’m at a quarter-life crisis!

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Mr. Tennis,

Do you believe there is such a thing as a "quarter-life crisis"? I'm turning 25 next week, but I am so sick of waiting for my life to begin.

OK, background story: I decided very early in high school I wanted to be a nurse. I loved the idea of traveling and thought that nursing could translate across borders. So the life plan was simple: graduate from nursing school with a BSN, work two years as a staff nurse on a general medicine floor to get experience, then work abroad for Doctors Without Borders, return home and go to graduate school for my nurse practitioner degree, get married ... (you get the trend).

Well, Phases 1 and 2 have been accomplished. I'm currently working as a staff nurse at a busy city hospital and in September 2013 I'll have been working there for exactly two years. So September is the big month, time for me to move on, do something or go somewhere new.

From grad school to social work

Mon, 11 Feb 2013 01:00:00 +0000

Dear Reader,

Having trouble finding my column on Salon? Bookmark http://www.salon.com/topic/since_you_asked/and click on that every day. You could also subscribe to the Salon email newsletter and see how that works for you.

Another thing: Please write me more letters on problems of creativity! It makes me think!

Dear Cary,

I recently quit a Ph.D. program in sociology. When I started it, I was full of enthusiasm and desire to learn about the human experience. As I progressed through it, I found myself wishing to be a participant in society rather than an observer. I care very much for social problems and wish to fix them, and you compromise your academic integrity -- or the perception of it -- when you engage in social activism. Beyond that, I was very tired of working to someone else's expectations for no money. The things I enjoyed writing were more creative nonfiction, and I knew my career would not survive that.

So I left. I now work helping disabled homeless people find housing. The day of my job interview, I found out that I am pregnant. Now I am six months into the pregnancy.

I came home to a sleeping country

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 01:00:00 +0000

Dear Cary,

After graduating from college, I joined the Peace Corps. This whole growing up thing has been great, by the way! There are more interesting things to learn about and more important things to care about every day. And the older I get, the more I can do.

I was very close to my host family in my country of service. For two years, I lived in a hut in their compound. They were work partners, friends and parents to me. They introduced me to their culture, taught me the local language and showed me more about the meaning of family and community than I could ever hope to communicate with my words or works. As proud as I am of the work that I did there, my relationship with that family and the whole village community is what I'll carry in my heart for the rest of my life.

The work was good, too. When it went well, anyway. Our projects were complicated sometimes, and they were always being carried out in low-resource settings. It could be frustrating. But seeing a village pull together, as I got to over and over again, was a delight. I could go to bed at night, dehydrated and exhausted, truly emptied out, and feel so much joy. I intend to chase that feeling for the rest of my life, and I will follow it anywhere.

Grad student living in terror

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 01:00:00 +0000

Dear Cary,

I'm a grad student living in Philadelphia. I graduated from undergrad a year ago and went straight into grad school because it felt right. Nothing is wrong whatsoever with my pick of grad schools. I love the program, the professors are excellent, and the facilities charming and well kept.

Thing is, I'm not used to being alone like this all the time.

In undergrad I had tons of classmates. I had a few friends. There was always someone around to talk to. I was even in a long-distance, long-term relationship all the way through up until my senior year of college. We lived together for a while until we mutually agreed that things weren't working out. After undergrad I moved in with my family short-term before I moved and attended grad school. There were always my siblings, parents and local friends to lean on when I felt crummy.

I don't even remember being the slightest bit afraid of anything.

Now it's completely different. I can't stop thinking about everyone in my life and wishing they were near. When I have others around me I'm fine, but who am I when they leave? Even if I feel like I know who I am, what is this new reality of being by myself? What does it really mean to be "alone"?

23 and still at home: Should I bust out?

Thu, 27 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Cary,

I recently earned my master's from a prestigious university. My field of study was arguably less prestigious, but since I am helplessly right-brained and law schools are overflowing, it seemed a safe bet.

I turned 23 last month. I work on contract for a Fortune 500 company as a copywriter making $40K and I live at home with my mom and younger brother in NYC. The last person to hold my job stayed two years and left to go to grad school.

Do you think I should move out or keep looking for a permanent job with benefits? I feel stifled and stunted and all the things I'm not supposed to feel at 23. This is not how the kids in "Reality Bites" felt, and they were actually struggling. I don't want to look back on this period of my life and hate myself for avoiding risk.

I grew up more sheltered than most of my peers. The fact that I'm still here is kind of my worst nightmare, except that, y'know, the living is easy. I had Lean Cuisine for dinner.

WWWD (What Would Winona Do)

Dear WWWD,

We have to fix our friend!

Mon, 27 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Reader,

If you are in the San Francisco Bay Area on Monday, Aug. 27 (which may be either today or tomorrow depending on when you're reading this), please feel free to come to The Marsh on Valencia Street between 21st and 22nd Streets to see the premiere of my first-ever solo performance, "Rainbow Drive," about my weird hippie teenage years in suburban Hollywood, Fla.

Lots of 7's: It's at 7:30, it costs $7, and it's one of seven performances in the evening. The other six are intriguing, too. If you could make it, that would be cool. -ct

Dear Cary,

One of my close friends is a 20-year-old girl whom we'll call Kirsten. We've become friends over the past year, and I've realized that she has some very serious issues that need to be addressed.

One is her parents. She has an 8-year-old brother, and it appears as if her parents froze time when he was born. From what I've heard, they treat him like a baby and treat her like she's 12. It wouldn't even be that much of a problem if she didn't still live with them. She just graduated college (yes, young) and has no idea what she's going to do with her life, but she also has no plans to move out and wants to go to a local grad school. She doesn't seem to realize that her parents are the source of most of her troubles, but either way, the relationship is very strained, and they recently "grounded" her for getting into a car accident. It's absurd.

Have I asked for too much?

Tue, 17 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Cary,

I hope you don't reprove me too harshly in your response, because I'm already acutely aware of my tacky behavior. But for a chance at your advice, I'll gladly take whatever you shoot my way.

I've received a lot of help from my undergrad advisor over the years -- several years after I graduated from college, she wrote me recommendations for grad school applications and gave me invaluable advice about the process; she proceeded to publish my work, was a member of my thesis committee, etc., etc.

Horrifyingly, I have never sent her a gift or a formal thank-you note for any of this -- for ALL of this. I have written her grateful emails and have followed up with her to give her news of my progress and ask after her, and I have put my heart into wording my emails so that she understands my sincere gratitude and respect and admiration. When I ask her for help, I always couch it in a way that (probably over-) states my understanding of how busy she is, and my sincere desire for her to say no to my request if she doesn't have time or inclination. She consistently says yes and then some. To disclose further, or maybe just to rationalize, it's true that in her busy-ness she never responded to a few of my friendly emails and was on my committee only in signing her name to a form (literally).