Gwyneth Paltrow

“Clarke, then a 24-year-old account manager at Baseline Financial Services, was on her way to work shortly before 9 a.m. and about to jaywalk across the street to catch the 1/9 train in Tribeca when the Oscar winner abruptly cut her off in her silver Mercedes.”

Oh wait, so Paltrow almost ran over a woman, inadvertently making her late for work at the World Trade Center? Man, and here the firefighters got to take all the credit. 

4. Narrowly averted train wreck of the day: Disney has split with Jerry Bruckheimer on “The Lone Ranger” movie, apparently because the director’s insistence on adding werewolves and “Indian spirits like Obi-Wan Kenobi” to the plot was getting too expensive.

5. Must read of the day: Roger Ebert’s new memoir, of which he’s posted the first several pages on his blog. It begins, “I was born inside the movie of my life,” which might be the best opening line since that Dickens book people are always quoting when they want to reference a good opening line.

Although hey, maybe it’s not as healthy living as she’d like America to believe. “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can,” said the mother of two, before admitting that she “drinks constantly” while cooking. While it’s probably equally difficult to find canned Kraft and cocaine rocks anywhere in a 40-mile radius of the Paltrow-Martin estate, I can’t help but worry a little bit for young Moses and Apple. Undoubtedly she was being more facetious than factual, but what kind of example is mom setting when she talks about the evil of trans fats while guzzling Romane Conti straight from the bottle every time she puts on an apron?

“We were taping a Chelsea special,” Mathews, 31, tells PEOPLE, “and she pointed at my tummy and said, ‘What’s going on here? I love you. Get it together.’”

And instead of telling her to shove her GOOP where the sun don’t shine, Ross took Gwyneth’s comments as a sign that he actually should lose weight! And he did, starting on his Jenny Craig regimen to win Gwyneth’s affection back. So did it work?

“I saw her when she was promoting her cookbook recently,” says Mathews. “She was so excited. She said, ‘You look good!’”

Well, thank God this story has a happy ending. Gwyneth Paltrow … weight-loss savior?

This concept, while foreign to me, is interesting, as it used to justify so much judgement and separation in our society. When my daughter came home from school one day saying that a classmate had two mommies, my response was, “Two mommies? How lucky is she?!” What does it actually say in the bible that will cause some people to be upset by my line of thinking?

It might have made for an interesting read, especially considering that Gwyneth’s mommy-blogger fan base comes from all walks of life and could have provided her with some responses that actually come from outside her own worldview. Instead, she picks three spiritual leaders whose ideas very clearly match how she thinks the Bible should be interpreted, and one guy whose fundamental belief that homosexuality is wrong comes with an asterisked caveat:

*Note: We wanted to include as many perspectives as possible on this issue and so we are also including a more conservative voice here below.

The problem is that aside from the conservative perspective (from the book “Issues Facing Christians Today” by British Rector Emeritus Dr. John Stott), nobody answers her question with any specific passages from the Holy Scripture. That’s what she was asking for, right? Not for people to excuse what is said in the books, or to say that their church doesn’t believe in condemning people, but actually where in the Bible it says homosexuality is wrong.

Instead, Gwyneth got an Episcopal priest saying the Old Testament shouldn’t be taken literally, a Kabbala scholar quoting a story from Kabbalist teachings about the Bible (“Love your neighbor as yourself. Everything else is commentary”) and a priest from the Episcopal Church saying that a lot has changed over the years and his flock now accepts everyone.

And while that’s all good stuff, not one of them answers the question Gwyneth poses. They just make excuses for it. You have to wonder whom that’s actually helping, when the one guy who is actually able to cite Levitical texts and the part of Corinthians where homosexuals are listed as a type of sinner is the same guy who is preaching against homosexuality.

So did she pre-film this, and then wait for the perfect chance to unleash it on the world, or totally overdress to walk around scaffolding?

And not to be too nitpicky about the continuity errors, but when Gwyneth says she’s just looking for a cab — like any mom who lives a hectic life in the 21st century and doesn’t have a limousine filled with rosé and $80 pajama pants ready to take her back to a chateau filled with flaming ducks being thrown into pools — I think you can see the reflection of said limousine behind those Porta-Potties she walks by.

Think about it: This is a lady who once gave her newsletter subscribers the advice to “police your thoughts.” Her carefully constructed mirage of white pantsuits and “regular person” hair isn’t going to fool anyone with the illusion of normality and intimacy. Though to be fair, most celebrities use Twitter like a bullhorn instead of a telephone, so the possibility that these tweets are as manufactured as her singing shouldn’t make you feel tricked. Just think of it as micro-Gooping.