So, that answers the underlying question of whether the desire is abnormal, but you’re interested in the “why” of this kink. The most popularly cited explanation is sperm competition. The idea is that the sight of one’s wife with another man serves as an unconscious biological trigger that creates a sense of sexual urgency, results in more passionate, longer-lasting sex and causes the cheated-upon spouse to produce more sperm – all evolved responses that up his odds of impregnating her. A related theory is that the penis functions as a plunger, displacing rival sperm. As such, this line of thinking goes, it would be beneficial in evolutionary terms for a man to become aroused by his partner’s infidelity. As a review of a relevant text in the journal Evolutionary Psychology puts it, “intra-vaginal battles demand men to become aroused to situations that are actually unpleasant for them, for instance the suspicion of their partner’s infidelity.” In other words, men “may become very sexually aroused at the idea of their partner having sex with someone else, even though they would strongly avoid such a situation.”

There are likely other things at play here too, like eroticized fear. Dan Savage has speculated that “cucks” are merely sexualizing their fear of infidelity in the same way that a gay man might fantasize about sex with a homophobe. In a column on the topic, he wrote, “While most of us learn to live with and occasionally conquer our fears without eroticizing them, a number of us respond to sexual fears or traumas by incorporating them into our erotic imaginations.” Speaking of sexually charged fear, many “cucks” fixate on “bulls” that are bigger, stronger and more well-endowed. This in part explains the popularity of profoundly politically incorrect – even for porn! – cuckoldery featuring African-American “bulls,” given racial stereotyping of black men’s sexual prowess. As Savage writes, “Whitey fears big black dick, rampaging Mandingos, white women coming down with jungle fever and getting their chifforobes busted up.”

David Ley, author of “Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them,” lists a number of other potential factors, like voyeurism, taboo, bisexuality, masochism and misogyny. At my request, he offered up a gem of wisdom from his extensive digging: “Ultimately, I believe that the wife-sharing fantasy is powerful and prevalent because it taps into and triggers many basic components of male sexuality, and reveals many powerful dynamics of male-female relationships and sexuality.”

Ley does offer a few words of caution, though, about turning the fantasy into reality. “This is such a challenging, taboo and complex sexual lifestyle that I caution men who have this fantasy that it is often far more difficult than they can imagine,” he wrote to me by email. “Most wives simply will not go along with it, in part due to their fears of being labeled a slut, or losing their marriage, or their concerns over what these fantasies reveal about their husband’s view of them.” Interestingly, he notes, “I’ve also seen couples explore aspects of this, without actually engaging in sex with other men. Some couples go to bars, separately, and the husband watches other men try to pick up his wife, until finally, the husband sweeps her away.” Not that this would be relevant information to you, dear reader. I merely offer it up to “some people.”

I am currently in a new relationship with a person who I have a great deal in common with. He is definitely not Asperger’s. He seems insightful, caring, giving, intelligent, funny and thoughtful. However, it seems we have a lot of disagreements.

So, to give you some history about me, my family of origin was pretty violent and angry and abusive.

I try to avoid disagreements and arguments at all cost.

I have been known to dissociate when someone is yelling.

We have disagreements about my ex being my best friend. I get that this would make my boyfriend uneasy but I don’t have a history of cheating AT ALL!

We also seem to have a hard time communicating. We get defensive with each other. I think he uses things I’ve told him against me and he says I do the same things. I think I’m more open about constructive criticism and have admitted wrongdoing and apologized. When this happens with him, I don’t think he apologizes and it seems he just defends himself. I often find myself being lost in the arguments — like he is running circles around me and I get confused. “How did we end up HERE?” is a frequent thought of mine. I think he has a pretty strong ego yet he can talk the talk about letting go of ego. He seems to play the role of devil’s advocate a great deal. I also feel like he argues semantics a lot.

In so many ways, he’s terrific. How do I know what things to accept and what things to bail on? I really want him to be “the one.” But wanting it doesn’t make it happen.

I guess I thought that true love would be easy, that it wouldn’t be hard, tedious work every single day. I’m getting tired and don’t want to imagine my life in the future to be filled with arguments and disagreements. Ugh! So, as you guessed, we’re three months into our relationship and I’m starting to wonder if this is my lifelong true love or another three-month relationship. We insist that we want to stay friends if things don’t go well with us romantically but sometimes I find that I don’t really like him (when we’re arguing) and can’t imagine that any breakup with him would go smoothly enough to maintain a friendship after. So, Cary, do you have any advice for me?

Thank you,

Scared of the Three-Month Curse

Dear Scared,

I’ll bet if you can adopt certain ground rules for communication together, that will help.

You’re still getting to know each other. I think you need some rules of engagement before anything else. You have habits of communication that seem to be setting off hot button issues. So take a look at these sites and see if you can find something helpful to share with your new friend.

Here are the kinds of things I’m thinking of, like this article from TwoOfUs.org, and these Fair Fighting Rules for Couples, and also look at this: Couples Communication: The Rules.

Sure, there are a lot of reasons this is happening. But I suggest right now you try to stabilize your communication routine so that you can relax a little bit and not be blowing up all the time.

In the process, you will learn some things about each other. It will happen slowly. You come into this relationship with admirable self-knowledge and an understanding of your own tendencies and habits. Try to learn what his history is and what his habits are.

Changing our habits is hard without an outside observer to give you a sort of freeze-frame of what’s happening and suggest adjustments, like a couples coach or therapist. You need new skills for interacting.

But having a set of ground rules for communication is a nice place to start. In the process of learning to communcate, listen to his history. Find out where he has been and what has shaped him. Look for patterns. Try to understand what he is afraid of and why he reacts the way he does. Don’t psychoanalyze him. Just take note of what seems to set him off.

You’ve been through a lot. You know yourself well. You don’t know this guy nearly as well as you know yourself. You don’t know him well enough to trust him with your fragile self, nor does he know you very well. So take it slow. Don’t expect too much. Show a lot of respect. Be cautious and careful with each other’s feelings.

If he wants to stick it out for the long haul, then maybe there is a future. The big question would be, Is he willing to change? And are you willing to change? I mean, when we’re being defensive and argumentative, it’s often because we’re angry or hurt or frightened and we’re not so eager to admit that. We have to be willing to show some stuff we’re not too comfortable with. We’ll keep arguing until we’re willing to admit why we’re doing it.

So if I were you, if I were trying to decide whether it’s worth it, I would adopt some communcations rules, and ask him what he’s willing to do to keep the relationship going. If he’s willing to do practically anything, then go ahead and try to follow some rules of communication and start looking for some kind of couples therapist who has useful, practical behavioral tools you can begin using right away.

I wouldn’t necessarily start by going deep into past trauma and all that. You need practical communication tools, ways to stop these patterns while they’re happening.

Later, for sure, I’ll bet you could benefit immensely from meditation and a deeper examination of your life patterns. Who couldn’t benefit from that? The path of wisdom is for everyone. But right now, find a way to set some rules about how to interact, and find somebody who can help you in these early days of the relationship.

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The next day, I happened to be on the second floor of my building to sign up for Lunchtime Toning and Stretching. I had been spending too much time writing about the world’s latest earthquake at the relief organization where I worked, and I was ready to get back on an exercise regimen. I also knew it was the floor that Dag worked on, so I poked my head into his office to say hello. (Dag is not his name, by the way. I changed his name, along with others, to protect his identity.) I’d met Dag a few weeks before, when our sons had a play date at my house, and we discovered we worked in the same Upper West Side office building. Not long after, he’d called me and we’d lunched in the cafeteria together.

“Oh, this is a pleasant and welcome surprise,” he said when he saw me. He leaned on his R’s, kind of like Sean Connery, although he wasn’t Scottish or Welsh. He was some non-English speaking European, Swiss or Dutch. Not French, I thought.

He leaned back in his chair with his arms folded behind his head. A very inviting and open posture. He was clean-cut, boyishly good-looking in a Tim Robbins kind of way.

“I just had to sign up for exercise,” I said. “I thought I’d stop in and say hi.” I tried to look relaxed as I took a seat. I realized my hands were cold, so I sat on them. “I didn’t know if you’d be in your office. You travel, right?”

“Oh, I go to Mystic one day a week. I told you that, right?”

And that was it. My mind was already off and running: Why does he keep telling me about Mystic? Is that where he wants to have our liaison? Mystic sounds very romantic. Did he mention it for some reason? Mystic, Mystic: Is it code for something? I could get away one day a week, couldn’t I?

“Do you have to spend the night away?” I asked.

“No, I go back and forth by train,” he said.

I was deflated. How silly of me. There was no deeper meaning to Mystic. I wasn’t going to have an affair on the commuter train. I wished Gina had never opened her mouth last night.

“Your office seems kinda empty,” I said. His son’s artwork hung up on the wall — a rainbow.

“We’ve just moved in. And we’re moving the rest of the staff here. From Mystic.” He leaned forward and looked into my eyes when he said it.

There it was again. That same sly, flirty tone. Oh, all right already. Mystic, it is!

I mean, Dag and I should be friends at least. We had a lot in common. We both had wild 7-year-old sons. We both worked for Christian relief organizations in the same building. We were both totally burned out and sick of our work.

We had bonded on that point for the whole 45 minutes at the cafeteria. That day, Dag was talking so close to me that my friends looked over quizzically from a nearby table, as if to ask, “Who are you talking to? And why are you talking so close?”

“We should have another play date soon,” Dag said, walking me to the door. He totally leaned in to me. I could feel his breath on my upper lip. It was minty. I felt flushed. And for a minute, I just stood close to him like that — looking up at his face. I was inches away.

Then I stepped back. “Yes, the boys should get together. Maybe this weekend. I’ll call you.”

That night when my husband rolled over to kiss me, I closed my eyes and imagined kissing Dag. In my mind, I went to Mystic. And I liked it there.

But I didn’t have the nerve to actually call him. Weeks passed, and I met Gina again for another glass of wine. I blamed the whole Dag/Mystic fantasy on her. She just shrugged and said, “I’ve been to Mystic. It’s reeeeeeeally nice.”

Not long after, I bumped into Dag on the street outside our office building.

“I was just thinking of you,” he said. “Do you want to have lunch?”

“But you brought your lunch.” I pointed to the paper bag in his hand.

“It’s nothing,” he said.

“I want to,” I said. “But I have exercise class at lunchtime.”

“I may not be working here much longer,” he said.

“Mystic?” I asked hopefully.

“Jersey City,” he said. There was no twinkle in his eye this time.

For a while, I didn’t see him around the building. Then, one night, after the kids had gone to sleep, Dag called me. Hearing his voice — the way he leaned on his R’s — I felt a thrill.

“Would you do me a favor?” he asked.

My mind floated away: A pensione in Mystic. An afternoon tryst.

“I’ve been fired. If I drop off my laptop with you, can you return it to the office for me?” he asked.

I tried to be casual about my disappointment. “Yes,” I said. I met him at my front door. I didn’t let him in. I just took the laptop.

I said, “I’m sorry about your job.”

“It happens. You know, I kind of was over that job,” he said.

“I know.” I smiled. I know.

That’s how our non-affair ended — with a laptop drop-off. Somewhat shameful, really.

The next morning I walked to the office where he worked and gave his laptop to a woman who looked like a nun. I high-tailed it out of there, feeling her disapproval and my guilt. Yes, I felt guilt for having a fantasy and talking too close. Guilt for surprising myself with excitement and the possibility of a mutual attraction.

It was good that I still worked at a relief agency, I told myself as I rode the elevator back to my office. Because I still looked for relief. I thought, briefly, I had found it in Dag. But relief does not come easily. The non-affair had stirred up complicated feelings — of longing, loneliness and a desire to be understood. I could not explore these feelings or act on them.

When I got back to my desk, there was another hurricane headed for another coast. It was hurricane season. Everyone knew there’d be another. And so I went back to my job, back to my husband and back to the thankless task of arranging play dates for my son.

Later, I found out through a mutual friend that Dag was seeking help for a drinking problem I never knew he had. And one more thing.

“He’s separating from his wife,” my friend said, arching an eyebrow.

I shrugged; it didn’t matter. It was over. There was no Mystic.

My best friend has liberal social views but leads a strictly traditional life. She married her high school sweetheart, never gave anyone a blow job, etc. After I broke up with my fiancé I used tell her about some of my “love affairs” but soon stopped, because I felt she really couldn’t relate. I did tell her that I had a lot of sex and that sometimes I think I may have gone overboard.

One of those times was when I got invited to her birthday party and, since it’s far from where I live, I was also spending the night. I had a great time, got pretty smashed and had a lot of, at first, “innocent” fun, like dancing and “roughhousing” with my friend’s husband and his brother (let’s call him Matt), who was also spending the night. Anyway, after my friend and her husband went upstairs to sleep, I was left with Matt downstairs. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex all night long. Nothing wrong with it, except this guy is married with two kids. In the morning, after having hid any potential giveaways and/or evidence, we agreed not to tell anyone. I don’t think my friend or her husband suspected anything took place.

Well, once my “party euphoria” washed away the next day, I immediately started regretting sleeping with him. I was a single woman and all, but this guy had/has a family and I actually know his wife. To make matters worse, being close as I am with my friend I realized I was bound to run into them at some extended family event sooner or later.

More than a year has passed since this took place and I think my secret is safe so far. I’ve only seen him once (having avoided another event out of fear of running into him and his wife).

Anyway, sometimes I get scared that maybe he will tell and that he will blame it on me, saying I seduced him or something. His brother and he are very traditional and patriarchal, just short of sexist. I’m sure that if he did tell his brother (my best friend’s husband), they would make me out to be the “whore” and tell my best friend, who would feel hurt and betrayed that I never told her about it. I think it’s likely I’d lose her friendship and I really, REALLY don’t want to — we’ve known each other since we were kids, she’s come through for me many times, when other people have not. We lead different lifestyles now, but on some level I believe we are still close and I’d like to be friends with her forever.

My question is, should I tell her about it now before it gets out? Should I admit that it is making me uncomfortable inside, that I regret having done it and that I didn’t want to screw up his family life and that’s why I withheld it from her? Or should I just keep quiet, hoping it’s never gonna get out?

Don’t Want to Lose My Best Friend

Dear Don’t Want to Lose My Best Friend,

What I keep coming back to as I write and think is the fact that you have a secret that’s causing you pain. That’s the main issue for me: You are in psychic pain. You want to relieve yourself of the pain. You are in pain because you did something you have to keep secret.

So I thought, well, what you really need to do is unburden yourself of this secret, but only to someone like a priest, rabbi, minister or therapist who is discreet. Because you want to minimize the harm to others.

But then, when I kept thinking about the pain you’re in, some inner voice began speaking to me that delights in teasing out the intricacies of motive and unconscious desire. I became interested in the potential symmetry, beauty and drama of the tale, viewed in light of your emotional intent.

You say this period of sowing wild oats began after a breakup with your “former fiancé-to-be.” That leaps out at me, like something that’s unresolved, or something that you still have strong feelings about. Maybe feelings about that breakup are at work in your life today, pushing you to take certain actions that later you regret.

For instance, maybe you wanted to get married more than you admitted. Maybe that breakup left you feeling kind of screwed over. If you are an adventurous person, marriage probably represented a conflict; on the one hand, it would be nice, but on the other hand, it would mean giving up a certain lifestyle that was very erotic and free. So you returned to a life of erotic freedom with a vengeance, without ever mourning what you were losing — the opportunity for a safe and settled life with a loved one. It’s possible you lost your moorings a bit, driven by feelings that never surfaced.

And it led to this sticky situation.

Why did you choose to sleep with your best friend’s husband’s brother?

Let’s think about how the unconscious mind works. The unconscious mind, like the dreaming mind, makes symbolic equivalencies; it allows us to replace one object for another as a way of reconciling unacceptable urges. So say you were angry at your friend and wanted to get back at her; say you found yourself unconsciously wanting to sleep with her husband, but that would be unacceptable, so you slept with her husband’s brother.

Might that be the real reason you feel guilty — not because he’s married with children, but because he’s a substitute for your best friend’s husband?

How do you feel about your friend? Are you happy that she’s in a stable marriage? Do you wish she could be more free to go out with you and have adventures? Maybe unconsciously you’d like to mess her life up a little — for her own good, of course, because she’s so stable and conservative. At the same time, you may long for her life and wish it was your life — it may represent the life that you lost when you had your breakup. So there could be some powerful conflicts at work that, being unresolved consciously, get resolved unconsciously through symbolic action.

And how do you feel about your ex? Are you still angry at your ex? This sowing of wild oats that came fairly late in life, after your breakup, had an angry, destructive side to it. Sure, it was lots of fun, but it was also dangerous. Perhaps you had thoughts such as, I’ll show him.  I’ll show him how attractive I am to other men. I’ll show him how he hurt me. Maybe I’ll get hurt, or dismembered, and then he’ll be sorry. I’ll sleep around and something bad will happen to me and it’ll be his fault and then he’ll see.

Being hurt by someone else sometimes leads us to hurt ourselves. It’s weird, but it happens.

I wonder if you ever had any thoughts like that. Drinking a lot allows us to act out in these ways without really admitting what’s going on emotionally, underneath. So it’s possible that all these things could be going on, driving you to do some things that are leaving you confused and anxious.

As to what to do about your secret, well, let’s kill two birds with one stone. Let’s try to get you some relief, and also protect the other people in your life from information that will cause them pain and worry. You need to unburden yourself in a safe way.

I’d recommend you take your secret to a therapist, minister or some kind of counselor. You’ll find a good deal of relief by being able to say to someone what you really think and feel. It will be an ethical solution to the problem of how to minimize damage to others. And if you feel comfortable in that setting, it might be a chance to talk about larger questions as well, such as what you’d like to do with the rest of your life.