OK, it's not quite that simple. In surprising-to-no-one news this week, a new study from as reliable source as the Girl Scout Research Institute found plenty to confirm all your worst fears about girls who define themselves as "regular" reality watchers. After surveying 1,100 girls aged between 11 and 17 nationwide, the Girl Scouts found that compared with their non-reality TV watching peers, reality fans are likelier to agree that gossiping is a normal part of girls' relationships (78 percent vs. 54 percent), that girls are naturally "catty" with each other (68 percent vs. 50 percent) and that it's "hard to trust" girls (63 percent vs. 50 percent).

Regular reality-TV viewers also report spending a significantly larger amount of time on their appearance and are far likelier to agree with statements like "Being mean earns you more respect than being nice." Apparently, reality fans don't join the Girl Scouts to make friends; they join to win.

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Matt: Okay, Drew, I'm a relative newbie -- watched a few episodes from other seasons and about about half of the last one -- so I need to be brought up to speed. What's the history between Deena and Pauly? The producers lingered over that final kiss on the dance floor like they were deconstructing the head shot in the Zapruder film.

Drew: I took a screenshot of that. There was something almost David Lynch-ian in their faces. And the tongues...

But their deal? They don't really have one. Deena is a relative newcomer to the show. She appeared last season to take the place of Angelina, who was on the first season and the second, but left both times because she was by far the worst of the bunch. Deena has wanted to feel included by the group since last season, and her first episode involved her pulling down her underwear and showing The Situation her vagina. It was very classy. So I think for her, hooking up with the guys is a way to cement her standing in the house.

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Though the sheer fact that Tom Green started the planking thing would be further evidence of its not being cool, right?

2. Planking to the oldies

Though if Richard Simmons is participating, it actually makes the whole thing seem way more legit.

3. Kathy Lee and Hoda on "Pooper Snoopers"

"Today" show red alert: Big brother is watching your dog poop, via doggy DNA.

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While MTV is busy filming a fifth season of the "Shore" (since these kids age pretty terribly with all the fake tanning, you have to keep them churning out drama before they end up looking like dried fruit), Vinny Guadagnino, or "the smart one" has apparently walked off the set. Sources claim he was burnt out, and who wouldn't be? Luckily for the show, Vinny's role has always been the eye-roller, which isn't really necessary for the usual plotlines of sex and violence. But now Us Weekly is reporting that Michael Sorrentino, a.k.a. "The Situation," has also walked out.

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2. Sorkin snub of the day: Chris Matthews won't be appearing on Aaron Sorkin's new show, "More as This Story Develops," about a news reporter based on Keith Olbermann. A "close source" says that it's because of the way the program skewers the left-leaning MSNBC, but it's hard to take the gossip seriously when it kind of looks like the leak could be anyone from Andrew Breitbart to Sorkin himself.

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I guess that Italy really did put a curse on the cast of "Jersey Shore." Not only have more than half the self-proclaimed Guidos been injured during the filming abroad, but now MTV is putting the kibosh on the kids after they finish up shooting the fifth season back in New Jersey.

To the rest of us, this tragicomic experiment has already gone on too long. Why do these poster children for bad ideas need another 13 episodes back on the shore once they've returned from their failed European vacation? Although the jury is still out on whether car accidents, fistfights and carpal tunnel syndrome count in the "con" column to MTV producers, the fact is that any real dramatic tension on the show is usually leaked months ahead of time by the paparazzi, and Italy has been relatively quiet on that front. Not a good sign about the narrative arc this season.

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Despite orders from the mayor that the MTV crew could not film these walking ethnic stereotypes drinking, partying or visiting famous sights while in the Italian city, it only took the cast members one weekend before they started getting wasted and hooking up with the locals. And exactly one week after the debauchery, the problems started, with the Situation getting his face beat in by a 'roided-up Ronnie. Technically, those bloody knuckles he got while destroying his costar count as a blow for Ronnie, since the Situation is made of very dense, wet cement and is therefore hard to injure.

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According to the New York Post:

Permits to film at some of Florence's best-known landmarks, including the Palazzo Vecchio and the Uffizi Gallery, were revoked, disrupting plans for the latest installment of the popular MTV series, which was previously filmed in New Jersey.

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In Florence, for example, mayor Matteo Renzi has delivered an ultimatum that is a little reminiscent of last week's "30 Rock" episode, "I Love Connecticut":

-- The cast will not be filmed in bars and clubs that serve alcohol.

-- The cast will not be filmed drinking in public.

-- The show will not be filmed to promote Florence as a drinking town.

-- The show should be filmed in a manner to promote Italy (not Americans visiting Italy) and feature it’s culture and good food.

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He is so mad! And legitimately so, at least about the Rutgers University thing. But while Anderson claims to only be ridiculing the people who pay Snooki, he takes a bunch of pot-shots at the pint-size pickle herself, which seems kind of…I don't know, unfair? Like what is the purpose of comparing her book to Toni Morrison's? Just to prove how trite Snooki's ghostwriter was? Way to shoot that fish in the barrel there, Anderson.

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I'm talking, of course, about the nonexistence of a show called "K-Town." K-town stands for Koreatown, a part of L.A. that has some producers trying to market it as the next "Jersey Shore." Except with Asian people! Because, hey, why should faux-Italians get to make money off of horribly racist stereotypes when there are eager 20-somethings of all different races who can  prove to the world that no matter what your skin color, everybody in America has an equal right to be the worst.

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What I found seductive about the show (whose third season finale airs tonight on MTV) was the unadulterated innocence and willingness of its personalities to expose themselves. Do I dare admit that I admired their candor? While I often hide behind social convention and politeness in the public realm, these personalities unapologetically spoke their minds, either unaware or unconcerned with the consequences. The entertainment was so pure because they were being themselves in what seemed like a truly authentic way.

But then fame happened. Their understanding of their popularity transformed what was once an untainted exposé into a self-conscious portrayal of characters. It was as if each person became a gimmick of his or her former self. Their innocence stripped, what was left behind seemed a pale version of what had made them so endearing; the people of Jersey Shore became shadow archetypes that we can relate to, but never want to embody.

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An example of one of The Situation's jokes? According to the Times piece, "He told Snoop Dogg that he and Trump had a lot in common because Trump owned a lot of property and Snoop's ancestors were property." He also told comedian Whitney Cummings that she wasn't actually a grenade because she wasn't blowing up (actually, that one is decently funny). The booing got so loud that eventually Jeffrey Ross had to go in and save the self-proclaimed guido.

When asked why he did so poorly (almost as bad as his performance on "Dancing with the Stars" one could say), Mike blamed Snoop Dogg.

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For those of you not acquainted with the trials and tribulations of Ronnie and Sammi Sweetheart, it suffices to say that stuff got ugly. The "Jersey Shore" couple broke up (again), which on its own wouldn't exactly be notable. It was the shrieking, flailing and mattress-flinging that struck a nerve.

Enter "Jimmy Kimmel Live." Somehow, transporting the histrionic dialogue out of the realm of Ed Hardy, duck phones and bronzer and into Charles Schulz's imagined world makes it a little less cringe-worthy. And as an added bonus, we took the liberty of culling some other great Kimmel mashups below.

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When the reality series that made fist pumping a national pastime debuted on MTV in 2009, perhaps the best thing it had going for it was that it was a self-contained train wreck. Its stereotype-perpetuating dramas were tailor-made for next-day water cooler small talk and easy spray-tanned Halloween costumes. But aside from the cast doing self-mocking bits on "Leno" and the like, there wasn't the constant danger of "Jersey Shore"-related ephemera lurking around every corner. Now, that menace is real. Hide your wife, hide your kids, and ask Kirk Cameron for his opinion on the rapture. Snooki's a novelist.

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10. Nicole Richie, "The Truth About Diamonds" (2005)

If any corner of American culture needed an exposé less than Hollywood nightlife, we couldn't think of it. Still, the celebutante's 2005 novel was called "shockingly entertaining" by the New York Post. And why not with prose such as, "The nightclubs of L.A. are like soap operas, except they're not Days of Our Lives; they're more like Passions -- crazy stuff happens, and no one bats a fake eyelash."

9. Oliver North, "Mission Compromised" (2002)

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Tom Bergeron and Brooke Burke, hosts of the ABC ballroom competition, announced the cast Monday.

"The Brady Bunch" matriarch Florence Henderson, retired Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner, "Jersey Shore" co-star Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino and Bristol Palin are among the 12 celebrities who will be paired with professional dance partners and train before their prime-time premiere Sept. 20. How does Palin's mother feel about her dancing gig?

"She's excited for me," said Bristol. "She knows that this is going to be hard work, but she's excited."

Also competing for the mirrorball trophy will be: "When a Man Loves a Woman" singer Michael Bolton, comedian-actress Margaret Cho, former Los Angeles Lakers forward Rick Fox, "Dirty Dancing" actress Jennifer Grey, "Baywatch" actor David Hasselhoff, Disney Channel star Kyle Massey, singer-actress Brandy Norwood and "The Hills" co-star Audrina Patridge.

"I'm happy to be here," said Hasselhoff. "My two daughters love this show, and they convinced me."

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Now, our Alex Pareene caught the president in the lie on Thursday – it turns out that at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, the president promised to exempt four people from the tanning-bed tax: "Snooki, J-WOWW, the Situation and House Minority Leader John Boehner."

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