Salon.com > monogamy

Of conscience and creativity

Thu, 09 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Cary,

I've followed you for what feels like 10 years, as I've traversed the quarter-life crisis and crises of creativity that speak powerfully to the blood that has always run through my veins.

So now I come to you with a more commonplace problem in some ways, but still so connected to the vein of creativity that you speak so well to.

There is a man. Isn't there always? An older man, and one I work with. So banal, I know. But we've been as you might call it, "good," or as good as one can be as two married people. We've admitted our attraction to each other, but agreed it would be reckless, careless and selfish to take it any further. I am not under any illusion that I love him, but I do enjoy his company. And that's my dilemma. After traveling with him for work this week, staying up just talking until the sun came up, I suddenly feel a wave of creativity rushing my every sense. It's like being a teenager again, but one who's actually read ee cummings, Whitman and Milton. I find myself scooping up old poetry books, reading Shakespeare and even writing down the colors of this strange, yet I imagine so universal, blend of emotions. It's addicting in the way that any other vice might be, but I'm still young (so they tell me, at 28), so still learning the ways of this strange and wonderful world.

He called me a slut but I want him

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Hey Cary,

I am 20, for the past year I have been in an on-again, off-again sexual relationship with a grad student at my university who is six years my senior; let's call him X. Most recently, X and I have been on-again, and he is going to graduate from his program in a few weeks. X told me he didn't want anything exclusive, so I have been with several other guys at the same time I have been with him. The problem is, X doesn't want to have sex again. The last time we did it, it frankly sucked; neither of us was properly aroused, and the next day I texted him to say that it would be better the next time, and he replied that he was sure it would be. There hasn't been a next time, and it is really bothering me because X has been willing to run errands for me and even hang out with me and my best friend, but he has spurned all my advances, saying things like, "You don't even need me, you get so many guys." I resent that, Cary; I especially resent it because he most recently told me that I was "by far the sluttiest" out of the 13 women he has been with in his life. I don't understand why he suddenly lost interest in me sexually, yet is still willing to do me favors and text me every day. I asked him point-blank, "Are you sick of me?" and he told me he was. He says it isn't because I have been with other guys besides him, but I don't see what else it could be. It's incredibly frustrating because I can have sex with other guys, but I want him one more time. Do you have any ideas why somebody would just lose sexual interest all of a sudden? Do you think he could be insecure because I am so openly sexual and the women in his past were not?

Coming out to my wife

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 01:00:00 +0000

After 15 years of marriage, I drove my wife up to a local mountain, parked on the side of the road, and came clean: I'd been fooling around with men behind her back, and after a lifetime of grappling with my sexuality, had come to accept the fact that I am bisexual.

"Our marriage is over,” I told her. “At the very least it's over in the way it used to be – which is a good thing, because I'm not very happy, and I don't think you are either."

The experimentation had gone on for a couple of years. I’d had relations with half a dozen or so guys (always safe). I had quickly discovered the lively, burgeoning world of secretly bisexual married men – most of whom are in their 40s when they get enough courage to step out. My gay father had always told me how many married guys he'd meet at the bars – and now, I was one of them. When I made the decision to sleep with a guy behind my wife's back, I also decided I’d never tell a living soul about it. Ever. Of this I was certain.

But there I was, spilling everything to her. I thought it would be the end of us. Instead, it was a whole new beginning.

Sexual adventures in therapy

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 01:00:00 +0000

I tried so many times to learn to ride a bike. When I was an 8-year-old, my dad ran beside me. I remember screaming when he would let go, fear clutching my small body in a King Kong grip. The ground seemed sinister, and balancing on tiny wheels felt impossible. Watching other kids whiz around didn’t make me believe it was possible; it was clear to me that I was just not the type of person who could ride a bike.

I’m a married psychotherapist now, living in a city of hills and bicyclists. Often my clients bike to my office. They walk in wearing one pants leg rolled up and put their helmets next to them on the sofa/couch. Each time I feel a wave of admiration.

This morning a very bright, sexually adventurous 28-year-old woman came for her weekly consultation with me. She has a strikingly pretty face, no makeup, a shaved head and a mischievous boyishness. Her bike helmet has stickers that declare “Question Gender” and “Geeks Do It Better.” She works in tech. Last week, she moved in with her new partner, whom I’ll call Aaron, a very bright and sexually adventurous 28-year-old man who also works in tech. They spent the last six months falling deeply in love. Their compatibility is obvious to everyone. She came to therapy because she wanted greater emotional intimacy -- and she is in the process of building that -- but she is still afraid that she doesn’t know how, afraid that not knowing how means that she is incapable of greater intimacy, that she isn’t the type of person who has a stable long-term relationship. Perhaps she had been damaged?

Study: Non-monogamous couples are as happy as other couples

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 21:15:00 +0000

Conventional wisdom holds that monogamy makes people happier. But according to a recent study in the Personality and Social Psychology Review, that might not be the case.

Researchers looked at consensual non-monogamy -- relationships in which both adults agree to have multiple sexual or romantic partners -- among gay couples and found nearly identical levels of satisfaction as those in monogamous partnerships.

Men reported that their open relationships accommodated their intimacy needs as well as their desires for sexual diversity. Moreover, the men in these partnerships often felt more intimate with their partner when they agreed to be non-monogamous. Just as monogamy can provide a sense of support and protection, consensual non-monogamy can provide the emotional support of a primary partnership while also allowing exploration of other sexual relationships.

Surprisingly, jealousy was also less prevalent in non-monogamous relationships because it is "more manageable ... and is experienced less noxiously.” Because both partners established the boundaries of their partnership in advance, there was less reason to feel threatened by other men.