With your last-ever campaign behind you, and faced with the task of rallying an American community that has nearly had the unity beaten out of it by a politics that has often forgotten its purpose, I believe that now is the time for you to reveal your truth. For it can be a healing truth, and we are ready to hear it.

It is time to admit that you are a Jedi.

How else to explain your ability to cause adversaries to crumble in confusion, losing their direction and chasing imaginary sights and sounds? Jedi mind tricks. How else to explain the uncanny precision with which your campaign was able to target voters and model outcomes? Organizing? "Math"? Rather, a deep knowledge of the Force. And I hardly need mention the on-air meltdown of the Sith Lord Karl Rove, or the Twitter implosion of his apprentice Donald Trump.

We first saw you use these powers when you were a mere Padawan, running for Senate in 2004. Faced with a formidable Republican nominee, and still early in your training, you had not yet achieved the finesse of a true master. To be sure, using the Force to replace your opponent with the feckless intergalactic mercenary Alan Keyes was effective. But it lacked refinement.

Continue Reading...