In case she wants to workshop it for a future article, I’ve printed her facts, along with some notes.

1. I love scrapbooking and creating albums as gifts for my friends and family.

More pictures of you and your friends hanging out isn’t a “gift,” it’s a “tabloid.”

2. I was born in NYC and grew up in a hotel.

I think you mean “as a hotel.”

3. I’m an amazing cook. I’m really great at making big breakfasts, but my specialty is lasagna.

Oh, it’s one of these things. “How much do you love eating, Paris?” “So much!”

4. I’ve played piano since I was 5.

So why didn’t you make a tape of that to get famous?

5. I have naturally curly hair.

Where?

6. Katy Perry’s music always puts me in a good mood and makes me want to dance.

This is just a declarative sentence.

7. I have pet rats.

8. I love applesauce.

I think it’s time for a parent-teacher conference with the Hiltons again.

9. My most prized possessions are the dresses my grandmother left me.

This is fine.

10. When I was little, my mom would punish me by unplugging my private phone.

I didn’t know that! That sounds terrible! What was it like growing up with Joan Crawford as a mom?

11. I’ve seen There’s Something About Mary countless times.

I believe it. But I also believe you don’t know what numbers mean. “I’ve seen ‘There’s Something About Mary’ BFFteen-times!”

12. My aunts [Kim and Kyle Richards] are on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and it’s one of my favorite shows!

Everyone knows this. That’s why they got on the show.

13. I was a high school cheerleader.

Didn’t know Paris went to high school, so this may be one of the only legitimate items on the list.

14. I own my own motorcycle team, and they just won their first race in France this week!

F*ck you.

15. I love Forever 21.

Me too! Ugh, but those lines for checkout take forever (21)! It’s like, why don’t they hire FEWER people to walk around aimlessly and add more people working at the fitting rooms and cashiers? Am I right, Paris? You get it.

16. I’m really good at skiing.

You’re rich and good at downhill sports? No. No way.

17. I was vegan for two years.

Fun fact: Cocaine is vegan.

18. I like to go fishing.

Was this during your vegan period?

19. Elizabeth Taylor was my great aunt.

Actually didn’t know this, so I’ll pass.

20. I have a race car license.

Are those not subject to the same DUI laws as regular licenses?

21. I love to draw. I’m always sketching designs for my handbag and footwear lines.

Seriously? You mean you just drew a picture of this and then someone made it? That’s insane.

22. I can play the violin.

See: piano.

23. I love to play practical jokes on people.

You should hang out with Brad Pitt and George Clooney.

24. I speak French but want to learn more languages.

If you speak French anything like you speak English, it’s not really an accomplishment.

25. I’m a daredevil and love to skydive!

I did not know that. This is very interesting and I feel like I know you much better now, like you are a very good friend or maybe even a BFF. Hey, since we’re BFFriends, do you mind if I borrow some countless dollars? I need it to go buy some rats for a practical race car joke. You get it.

Hilton’s decision to do this piece may have been somewhat predicated on another interview, one recently unearthed by author Neil Strauss in his book “Everyone Loves You When You’re Dead.” During her time with Strauss back in 1999, Paris allegedly said, “I can’t stand black guys. I would never touch one,” moments after making out with Vin Diesel, who is half-black. (Paris’ people are now looking into suing Strauss.) And that’s not the first time these allegations have surfaced: in 2009, Darnell Riley “Six Degrees of Paris Hilton” also painted a pretty unflattering picture when he chronicled the socialite saying the N-word on camera.

Paris must have learned her lesson, because she is like, super nice to “Wayne,” despite apparently not knowing that much about him. Below, the five most surreal parts of this hard-hitting interview:

On nightlife

HILTON: What’s your favorite club in Miami?

WAYNE: My favorite club in Miami is a club called LIV. It’s in the Fontainebleau Hotel.

HILTON: Oh, I love that club.

WAYNE: Mm-hmm.

—-

On prison

HILTON: I had to do 24 nights in solitary. [Hilton was held in a separate cell as a safety precaution.]

WAYNE: Oh, so you know how it is.

HILTON: Yeah, I know how it is.

—-

More on prison

HILTON: How happy are you to have your freedom now?

WAYNE: Words cannot explain.

HILTON: Yeah, I know how you feel. [laughs] It’s the best feeling in the world when you come out.

—-

On dreams and Amsterdam

HILTON: I love Amsterdam! It’s so dope there. You can just ride a bike around. Do you ever dream? What are your dreams about?

WAYNE: I don’t dream a lot. But whenever I dream, I just dream about the day I just had or something like that. Mostly that’s what I dream about. I dream about that current day. Other than that, I don’t dream a lot.

—-

Pets! Twitter!

HILTON: Do you have any pets?

WAYNE: I like animals, but I only have a few pets. I have a bunch of fish, and I have two sharks. Those are my dudes.

HILTON: Wow. Sharks? Nice.

(DIMITRI) EHRLICH: How big are the sharks?

WAYNE: One is a little baby, so he’s about a foot or two, or something like that. Then the other one is a good two, two and a half feet, or almost three feet.

EHRLICH: So do you have a huge pool for them? Or do they stay in a tank?

WAYNE: They live in a crib. I have this little water thing. It’s like a little pond under the stairwell in my house. So they swim under there.

HILTON: That’s dope … Do you go on Twitter?

I make for the front door as Kev makes for the valet. I summon some gumption and begin to walk purposefully back into the party.

I brush shoulders with the guy who resembles the head of security.

“Hey man,” I say to him with an air of I-know-what-I’m-doing. “The cake is in that room, right?”

“Yes, sir,” he acknowledges with a slight bow toward the rear of the house.

I take my cue and make a bullet for cake city.

In one fluid motion, I sidestep a confused waiter, seize the prize, and about face to the door.

I pass the security chief again on the way out.

I nod purposefully… he nods in return.

40 seconds later I’m in the front seat of a Nissan Maxima with 70 lbs. of awesome in my lap.

After news of the theft (apparently Paris didn’t notice or care enough to make noise about it that night or this morning) President and CEO Jared Gurfein of Viridian Spirits (and the guys behind the cake) sent out an “OFFICIAL STATEMENT REGARDING THE THEFT OF PARIS HILTON BIRTHDAY CAKE VALUED AT $3,200″:

“It is very unfortunate that someone stole the cake from Paris’s birthday party. We had the cake designed especially for Paris with Lucid in the batter and a beautiful representation of Lucid’s artwork on it, which she had requested to meet the Moulin Rouge theme of the party. We’re happy that Paris and her guests were able to enjoy a night of Lucid cocktails, including the Paris Lemonade / Paris frozen Lucid Sorbet – and only wish that the guests could have tried her delicious cake. As for Paz, feel free to connect with us on the Lucid Absinthe Facebook page, where we would love to hear your side of the story and thoughts on the cake!”

So that was basically an email just to clarify that the cake was more expensive than originally stated. And to pat on the back the guy who stole it! We bet if it had been Lindsay Lohan who had taken the cake, she’d be back in court right now.

The program will include her mother, Kathy Hilton, and Charlie Sheen’s estranged wife Brooke Mueller. More attention on Hilton’s private life with friends and family seems odd for someone who filed a lawsuit against the greeting card company Hallmark for invading her privacy with a likeness of her image and pleaded guilty recently to drug use. But the show is aimed at revealing Hilton’s more serious side while also providing a voyeuristic glimpse into her real life. And we thought the sex tape was voyeuristic enough!

Hallmark messed with the wrong coke-carrying reality star when the trademark phrase — no, seriously, Hilton has trademarked the phrase — was the subject of a 2007 greeting card that cast “The Simple Life” star as a waitress informing a diner of the temperature of his victuals. Hot! Get it? Why anybody who actually cared enough to send the very best would waste a stamp on this sad excuse for a card is an enigma. What occasion in life would call for a Paris Hilton as a food server greeting? The late 2000s were a very different time, but I don’t remember Hilton’s existence becoming a greeting giving opportunity.

Hilton upon learning of the existence of said abominable sentiment was not content to merely pout, shake her long golden extensions, and declare, “Buh?” Instead, she slapped Hallmark with a $500,000 lawsuit, claiming the company was “willful, malicious and oppressive” and “invaded [her] right to privacy.”

One could argue that if you let one major greeting card company use your likeness, the integrity of your whole public image is compromised. One could also argue such a thing doesn’t really seem to be a hazard for someone who serves as the spokesperson for canned wine. Nor does the use of Hilton’s face itself truly seem to be the issue: While she sued over the waitress card, she apparently took no umbrage over one that portrayed her behind bars savoring the “really, really, really, really simple life.”

Just because you’re one of the most intentionally overexposed individuals on the planet doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to privacy. And just because you’re Hallmark doesn’t mean you get to appropriate every self-aggrandizing T-shirt mogul who comes down the pike for your own purposes. And it’s fair to say that anyone of sound mind who found his or her image on a card as lame as that Hallmark greeting would no doubt want the perpetrators punished to the full extent of the law.

But, Paris, can’t you take a joke, however poorly executed it may be? Are you going to sue Opi for its “That’s Hot Pink” shade of nail polish? Should the City of Light be worried that it shares your name? Emeril Lagasse, outdoing you for trademarked brevity, may own “BAM!” but the Brooklyn Academy of Music has so far been spared his wrath. Even Michael Jackson, who was notoriously territorial about the whole “King of Pop” thing, didn’t get litigious every time somebody somewhere let out a “sha-mon!”  And while Disney has a long history of going for the throats of anybody who crosses its heavily branded path, you, Miss, are not the mouse. So perhaps the next time some hapless greeting card writer deigns to make a dumb joke at your expense, you can ask yourself if that’s worth picking a fight over. Because the answer is — that’s not.